Only the Lonely

I often wonder how it’s possible to feel lonely when you are always surrounded by people. It’s perplexing to say the least. However, I know it’s a possibility because I do feel that way sometimes. I’m very rarely ever alone yet at the same time I feel like there’s no one around.
Perhaps it’s not loneliness I feel but more of an emptiness. I don’t even know if that is the right word for it. I think the word I’m looking for is longing. I am always longing for something. A better job, a better relationship, appreciation. I blame movies and books for my feeling of lowness. I am always wishing for that fairy take relationship (my husband obviously hasn’t watched the same movies I have). I want to know that he head over heals in love with me, that when I die he’ll actually be heartbroken and miss me. I’d like him to feel lucky to have me in his life and that our marriage isn’t just an obligation. Though I think sometimes thats how he thinks of it. We have kids, a house, dogs. I think sometimes he comes home because he feels he has to, not because he wants to.
Yes that makes me sad but it’s only sometimes. Most of the time I am happy with where I am and I realize after 15 years of marriage some of the excitement will be worn off. But is it too much to ask for a little fawning every once in a while??

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I can’t drive 55

I don’t love driving. I feel like I spend too much time in my car driving back & forth to work, dance, hockey, soccer, religion, kids school and my own classes. I have so many other better things that I could be doing.
Although I really despise driving one of my favorite times of the day is my commute to and from work (mostly home). It’s my alone time, my time that I can just think about whatever I want to. It’s my time when I can blast my radio and sing at the top of my lungs.
The singing is my favorite part. I can listen to any music I want to and sound as hideous as I can and there’s no one around to judge me or make me feel small or change the song. I can sing along to a boy band, a broadway musical, heavy metal or country-whatever tickles my fancy. I could have the crappiest day ever until I start rocking out on my drive home and all my stress flies out the window.
Until I arrive at my destination. Once my 20-30 minute commute is over, I’m back to the real world. Back to reality.

Working For The Weekend

They say if you do what you love then you’ll never work a day in your life. I really wish it was that easy.
I suppose I should consider myself lucky that I have a job. I should feel lucky that I work for a great company and we do great things. Literally life and death work. Not me personally but the doctors, surgeons and nurses. I work in a foundation office; we raise money for cancer research, patient care and programs. I love where I work. I even like my job. Unfortunate I find it very difficult to work with a select group of people. There is constant belittlement, undermining, sneaking and backstabbing. This all contributes to the sense of dread I feel when I wake up every morning. It makes me sad because if not for these attitudes and actions I would love waking up to go to work each day.
I suppose I should just let go of much of what is said to me or even what I hear people saying around me. But it’s hard. Instead of working as a team towards one goal, everyone is out for him or herself. It’s so frustrating and it’s a downer.
I truly believe that this is the reason I cannot sleep at night. I would love to have it all–a job that I love to do at a company that is great to work for and for colleagues who build you up instead of tear you down. I guess I can’t have it all though.

How much is that doggy in the window?

Life is busy. Life with kids is even busier. Life lately has been just constant forward motion, no time to sit and think. The kids dance recital was last weekend. I used to be able to sit and just watch kids dance for 3 hours, but I can’t even do that anymore. Now I work backstage. More endless running, although it does help the night go faster. 

As if last week wasn’t busy enough with mini dress rehearsals in the studio, the final dress rehearsal on stage and then finally the recital, we decided to adopt a dog from the City of Buffalo Animal Shelter.  Knowing how busy we were during the week, we arranged for Koda’s neutering to be done on Friday and to pick him up Saturday morning. Friday afternoon when I called the vet to find out how Koda was feeling after his surgery the vet comes on the phone. He couldn’t do the surgery because Koda had a high fever, he would have to be on antibiotics and I have to reschedule surgery. Why does he have a high fever?  Oh, because of the Kennel Cough. Thanks CBAS, for letting me know ahead of time that I’d be bringing a highly contagious sick dog home, especially since you knew I already have a dog at home. But wait, there’s more. He has a condition called Entropion, where the lower lid rolls in and the lashes rub against the cornea. So now I get to pay for another surgery on top of the neutering. Again, thanks for sharing this information with me CBAS! 

Life since Saturday has been a juggling act of trying to keep the two dogs separated and spending enough time with each of them so neither of them feels neglected. We’ve been living with gates blocking all major hallways and doorways in our house. It’s an inconvenience, yes, but Koda is such a sweet dog.  He’s so good, cuddly, and happy and we love him so much already. 

We can definitely put up with an inconvenience for a couple weeks, but I do have a lot of negative feelings towards the CBAS right now. I felt rushed to adopt Koda and I definitely feel that information was withheld from me. I’m not sure whether it was done purposely or in their rush to get him adopted they just forgot to mention everything. I’m just not sure I would recommend this group to anyone looking to adopt. I would definitely share my experience with the CBAS with anyone that I know is thinking of going there, just so they can at least be prepared and know to question everything.