Grade 9

Today is the first day of the new semester. Well, actually it was Tuesday but I only have classes on Thursdays.

I have to say, I am truly terrified of this semester. I’m finally taking a class that I’ve been trying to get into for a few semesters but it scares the crap out of me. It scares me because I know I am going into this class completely clueless — not an idea of what I’m doing, a complete blank slate. But I know that other folks will be going in with prior knowledge of what is going on.

I’ve been in this situation before. I went in to a beginner Photoshop class thinking everyone would be on the same level but clearly I was the only beginner. It just added a little more stress, not because it was harder than I expected, but because it created a scenario in my head that I needed to be on par with these kids.

The first day of the semester is always terrifying for me, but I feel like I am walking into that scenario again. Yes, if in fact everyone knows how to do most of these things that I am hoping to learn, I can ask them for help. But, it’s always so awkward for me. I mean, I am 10 + years older than most of these kids. It just feels weird for me.

Oh well, wah, wah, wah, right? If all goes as planned, this will be the first day of my last semester. Ever.

Here’s hoping.

Everybody Hurts

It seems like that most of my writing originates from times I’m depressed. Probably because I use this blog as my therapy. It was my intention to write out what I can’t talk to or don’t want to talk to anyone about. I use this to get things off my chest, to try to give myself some relief. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn’t.

That is why I am writing tonight. I’ve been in a funk for a few days. I’m one of those people who seem to depend on the moods of people around me to set my own mood. I don’t want to be like this. I try to tell myself that I am in charge of my own feelings. But it’s hard. There are times I feel like I’m surrounded by negative feelings. It’s really hard to keep that from influencing me at all.

Usually all the negativity comes from work. Unfortunately this time it’s all at home. My significant other’s mood can change faster than a pregnant woman’s! The worst part is I have absolutely no idea when this shift in momentum is going to happen or why. All of a sudden anything I say is wrong, if I ask a question or try to make casual conversation I’m yelled at for being too nosey or having an attitude myself. If I even look in that general direction I’m met with, “What is the problem?” If we go anywhere together as soon as we reach our destination I’m suddenly standing solo.

Now, there’s been some snippiness for the past couple weeks but I’ve put up with it, chalking it up to stress with the holidays and with his parents health issues. But lately it’s just too much. I’m rarely alone but I’m lonely. There’s very little conversation between us and his demeanor changes completely from when he is talking to me and when he talks to anyone else, including the kids. Sometimes I feel like he’s “extra” nice to them in front of me, just to prove that nothing is bothering him.

This happens with us maybe once a year. Sometimes it only lasts a few days, last year this went on for over a month. I go on in silence, wondering what sparked this coldness. I wonder why he’s still here when it’s obvious he doesn’t want to be. On one hand I feel like I should just make him happy and let him off the hook, on the other hand I can’t stop crying because I love him.

Ah well, we’ll see how it goes I guess.

Until tomorrow…