It seems like that most of my writing originates from times I’m depressed. Probably because I use this blog as my therapy. It was my intention to write out what I can’t talk to or don’t want to talk to anyone about. I use this to get things off my chest, to try to give myself some relief. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn’t.
That is why I am writing tonight. I’ve been in a funk for a few days. I’m one of those people who seem to depend on the moods of people around me to set my own mood. I don’t want to be like this. I try to tell myself that I am in charge of my own feelings. But it’s hard. There are times I feel like I’m surrounded by negative feelings. It’s really hard to keep that from influencing me at all.
Usually all the negativity comes from work. Unfortunately this time it’s all at home. My significant other’s mood can change faster than a pregnant woman’s! The worst part is I have absolutely no idea when this shift in momentum is going to happen or why. All of a sudden anything I say is wrong, if I ask a question or try to make casual conversation I’m yelled at for being too nosey or having an attitude myself. If I even look in that general direction I’m met with, “What is the problem?” If we go anywhere together as soon as we reach our destination I’m suddenly standing solo.
Now, there’s been some snippiness for the past couple weeks but I’ve put up with it, chalking it up to stress with the holidays and with his parents health issues. But lately it’s just too much. I’m rarely alone but I’m lonely. There’s very little conversation between us and his demeanor changes completely from when he is talking to me and when he talks to anyone else, including the kids. Sometimes I feel like he’s “extra” nice to them in front of me, just to prove that nothing is bothering him.
This happens with us maybe once a year. Sometimes it only lasts a few days, last year this went on for over a month. I go on in silence, wondering what sparked this coldness. I wonder why he’s still here when it’s obvious he doesn’t want to be. On one hand I feel like I should just make him happy and let him off the hook, on the other hand I can’t stop crying because I love him.
Ah well, we’ll see how it goes I guess.