Beautiful

Isn’t it funny how you go your whole life thinking about yourself one way, just because that’s all you’ve ever known? You only ever hear yourself described in a certain way and you just never bother to think about it. It just is. You are just you. 

What happens when someone says something different? How do you respond? Do you even respond? 

Just one simple word can have you reeling with such confusion. It probably shouldn’t. The intention is good. But you can’t help from wondering if there’s a hidden meaning. Does this person want something from me? Does this person even know what he/she is talking about? Is there an alternative meaning that I don’t know about? You start to feel nuts because something that should just be taken as a compliment has turned you paranoid. 

Eventually you start to calm down and realize maybe, just maybe, that description is accurate. At least it is to one person. And maybe one day you will start to see it too. 

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Everything Old is New Again

There’s nothing like a tragedy to bring forth someone’s underlying feelings. OK, maybe it wasn’t exactly tragedy, but it was a sure blow to my economic well being, thus creating a huge amount of stress and generally bummed feelings. And since a major source of fighting between couples is finances, I expected the worse. 
To my complete surprise, the harsh words and inevitable fighting and arguing never commenced. Instead there were words of encouragement, understanding, and even flowers. 
It’s kind of hard to really describe what I’ve been truly feeling the past two weeks. There’s definitely been anger, sadness, depression, etc. but there’s also been feelings of guilt, annoyance, and yes–appreciation. 
Appreciation that although it sucked, it was just the motivation I needed to get my ass moving just a little bit harder. Appreciation for my husband who proved that actions do speak louder than words sometimes. He’s been extremely supportive and understanding. Two words that I don’t always associate with him. He even went so far as to say “I love you” last night. Not only did he say it, but he said it first! HE said it. NOT in response to me, but just to say it. I’m not sure of when the last time that happened. He still won’t cuddle–I’ve been trying. But I still have hope. 
Could this be the start of something old turning new again? Or is it going to be short lived? I guess only time will tell. 

Que Sera Sera

I’m not sure how many different emotions a girl can go through without cracking up altogether.

In the past 10 days I have started out humiliated and then moved on to scared, depressed, angry, infuriated and hopeless. Once I finally started to accept the situation I became a little more at peace with things. Then I started feeling a little more content. Everything happens for a reason. It is what it is.

But really, in all honesty, nothing is really making me feel any better. Yes, I’ve had a few moments of distraction and I’ve felt really good. The majority of the time though, well, I’ve just plain felt like shit. My mind is racing and it’s so hard to concentrate. I forget to do the simplest tasks, which makes me feel even more useless.

I know this won’t last forever. I know I’ll move on. I just hope I don’t crack before then.