I’ve got so many sides to me, I don’t think there is even a word to describe it. I have a good side and a bad. I’m fun and I’m professional. I am shy and I am wild. I am depressed and I am happy. I can be flamboyant but I can also be reserved. I am simple, yet complicated.
I think, like most people, which side of me you get depends on the day and the environment. At work I’m my most prim and polished. I’m reserved and responsible at home. Get me out with my friends and I can be anyone I want to be–there’s no limit.
Who I am really you may ask?
I’m a little bit country and a little bit rock ‘n roll.
Why do you always want what you can’t have? It NEVER fails. As soon as you identify something as being off-limits, it’s really all you think about.
You try to do the right thing. You try to make the right choices. You try to be better but there is always that temptation. You pretend like all is fine and dandy and no one knows anything different. To everyone else you are strong and confident and in charge of your feelings.
You walk around like nothing bothers you, like nothing is playing on your mind. You have no distractions. No worries, no wants. But deep inside you are screaming. Deep inside you are a complete mess, ready to fall apart at any moment. Just unraveling.
Before you know it, you’re consumed with jealousy. Jealous over every little thing. You do all you can to not break down and cry.
You say to yourself, “If I could just have it, just this once, I’ll be so happy.”
My choices are wrong. My decisions are wrong. My opinions are wrong. My way of thinking is wrong. My emotions are wrong. Maybe the fact that I am here is just wrong.
I stopped to really take a good look at my life recently. You know what I noticed? I don’t do anything. I don’t make any decisions and when I do I second guess myself. Every. Single. Time. I don’t speak up at all because I always feel that my own point will be invalid. I am embarrassed to do any of the activities that I really love because people have judged me on them in the past.
I stopped paying bills because something else should’ve been paid first. I stopped doing the grocery shopping because something else was on sale or I bought the wrong brand. I will only make the same few meals for dinner because God forbid I try something new. I don’t try to suggest a different location or time of year to take a vacation because, why bother? It’s not going to be a good idea anyway.
I spend more time alone and in my own head than I care to really admit.
What I want, or need, isn’t important. There’s no need to be happy.
I know I sound like I’m being selfish or spoiled or whatever. But I need to be acknowledged from time to time. I am here, dammit.