Just a short year and a half ago my life was so full. I worked full-time while going to school and raising four kids. When I say my life was full, I don’t necessarily mean in a spiritual way, I mean completely filled without a second to spare. Worked all day, went to classes a couple of days a week, drove kids to hockey, dance, religion classes, soccer, worked on my own homework as well as try to help kids with theirs. I kept time for family things so that no one felt neglected at all. Trying to schedule doctor appointments and haircuts was next to impossible. Friends would get mad that I couldn’t go out after work and I’ve lost a couple along the way.
But I did it. I did it with a smile. That was my life.
Fast forward to now.
I’ve graduated. One less thing off my plate.
My oldest son had to give up hockey due to injury. That freed up some of my time as well.
My daughter’s dance schedule has changed so she will dance fewer days each week next season (just had the end of year recital so we’re off for the summer).
All the kids’ soccer games are on Wednesdays and Fridays.
Right now, there are only 2 days each week that I have to be out running around after work. As much as I love having this extra time, I kind of hate it.
I feel like I’ve lost purpose in my life. I feel like there’s a hole somewhere.
I tried getting back into running–I was always good at it. But it’s been years since I’ve been really good and now knee issues have me taking a slow and steady path. I know that’s nothing to be ashamed of, but it feels like failing.
Most of my friends are more into hanging at a bar than doing anything remotely physical, which I don’t mind once in a while, I just don’t want beer to be the only reason we go out. The other half of my friends all have small kids, and they basically don’t want to leave their kids, even for a short while.
I am lost right now. I need to find myself again. I love my family more than anything else, but I need my own identity. I don’t want to just be known as so-and-so’s mom. I want to be me.
But who am I?