Place In This World

Just a short year and a half ago my life was so full. I worked full-time while going to school and raising four kids. When I say my life was full, I don’t necessarily mean in a spiritual way, I mean completely filled without a second to spare. Worked all day, went to classes a couple of days a week, drove kids to hockey, dance, religion classes, soccer, worked on my own homework as well as try to help kids with theirs. I kept time for family things so that no one felt neglected at all. Trying to schedule doctor appointments and haircuts was next to impossible.  Friends would get mad that I couldn’t go out after work and I’ve lost a couple along the way.

But I did it. I did it with a smile. That was my life.

Fast forward to now.

I’ve graduated. One less thing off my plate.

My oldest son had to give up hockey due to injury. That freed up some of my time as well.

My daughter’s dance schedule has changed so she will dance fewer days each week next season (just had the end of year recital so we’re off for the summer).

All the kids’ soccer games are on Wednesdays and Fridays.

Right now, there are only 2 days each week that I have to be out running around after work. As much as I love having this extra time, I kind of hate it.

I feel like I’ve lost purpose in my life.  I feel like there’s a hole somewhere.

I tried getting back into running–I was always good at it. But it’s been years since I’ve been really good and now knee issues have me taking a slow and steady path. I know that’s nothing to be ashamed of, but it feels like failing.

Most of my friends are more into hanging at a bar than doing anything remotely physical, which I don’t mind once in a while, I just don’t want beer to be the only reason we go out. The other half of my friends all have small kids, and they basically don’t want to leave their kids, even for a short while.

I am lost right now. I need to find myself again. I love my family more than anything else, but I need my own identity. I don’t want to just be known as so-and-so’s mom.  I want to be me.

But who am I?

 

Eleanor Rigby

It’s another one of those days. There’s been a couple of them lately. Little things setting me off. People telling me what to do, how to be. And they don’t understand when I try explaining my feelings about that. They can’t see that it’s not necessarily the words they use but how they use them.

It’s frustrating. I’m frustrated. I know there are things that I can’t do, and yes, I’m having a hard time accepting that. But let me come to terms with it on my own. Don’t TELL me something that I already know. It doesn’t help. In fact, it makes matters worse. When you say it, it makes me feel like a failure, like I’m incomplete, empty. When you say it, it feels like an “I told you so.”  That’s not what I need.

I need support. I need a sounding board. I need a shoulder to cry on. I need a friend. I need a partner.

A friend and a partner.

That’s what I need the most. That is what I’m lacking. That is why I feel I’ll be buried in a church with only my name. With no one there.

Because no one is there.

 

Empty

True Colors

Everyone has struggles in life. Everyone faces challenges. Some people face things that are monumental and some people face things that only feel monumental.

I go through my bouts of feeling sad and wonder if I made the right decisions in life. I fight with my husband at times and wonder why we are still married. These times are not an everyday occurrence, by any means. In fact, it has been a few years since the last big blowout fight we’ve had.  This is a good thing.

My problem is I am too emotional. I think with my heart. My feelings get hurt too easily. We are comfortable with each other. We just live the status quo of life. Day after day is all the same. Wake up, go to work, come home, eat, take kids to dance or soccer or hockey or wherever, watch some TV and go to bed. Every. Single. Day. Nothing really varies except the activity in which we are driving the kids to.  I’m getting bored with this and I take it personally when I try to plan a date night in which he has no desire to go on. The kids are his life, the center of his universe. I feel like I’m just along for the ride.

So why don’t I say anything to him about how I feel? Because I don’t necessarily want to disrupt the status quo, either. I have a good life–a job, a house, my family, my dogs, food to eat, etc. I don’t need to cause waves when there is no storm. Just because I’m bored and feeling like a third wheel in my family doesn’t mean I should disrupt everyone else’s life.

 

 

Struggle

Just Kiss Me

I am a hopeless romantic. I love all the chick flicks and I cry uncontrollably. Sometimes I cry because the story touches my heart, other times I cry because I want that kind of love.

I watch those movies and I watch how the characters kiss. I want that. I want a good old-fashioned make out session. I want his arms around me, his hands in my hair, his lips pressed against mine so I can hardly breathe. I want to feel wanted and desired.

I’m tired of the lame, limp peck on the cheek when I go in for a kiss. Show me you love me. Show me you need me. Show me you want me. I want to know what you’re feeling just by the look in your eyes. Kiss me in a way to make other people blush and have to turn away. Give me goosebumps. Kiss me so hard that you leave me breathless and wet at the same time. Leave me shaking in anticipation for the next one. Kiss me so that I cannot wait to be alone with you.

Kiss me with passion, like you can’t get enough of me, the way you did when I knew you were in love with me.

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via GIPHY

I’ll Be There For You

I don’t know. I just don’t know where or how to begin on this one.

There’s so much that goes on in life. In my life, in my friends’ lives. So much is happening that I want to help but I feel that I am helpless to do anything but stand aside and watch life happen.

Fifty people were shot and killed over the weekend, and more than fifty more were injured. A hateful, senseless crime. I know none of the victims or their families personally and I live nowhere near them. I know that there is nothing I can do to help besides pray for the victims and their families and teach my kids to love and accept people and not to hate what they do not understand.

Closer to home I have friends who are going through situations of their own. Nothing as serious as life or death but definitely life altering situations nonetheless.

Again, I feel helpless. My heart hurts for my friends. I would love nothing more than to be able to make things right for them, do anything I can to make it easier for them. Yet there is nothing for me to do besides be their friend. Be the sounding board they need at the times they need it; when they feel like they have nothing left or no one to talk to. Offer my advice when it is asked for and hold my tongue when it is not. That last part is kind of hard for me to do, though.

I’ve been in their situations before. I do know exactly what each of them are feeling. I know how hard it is to make the decisions that they need to make. I understand how they feel and the thoughts that are going through their heads. I want to tell them exactly what to do, because it seems so clear to me looking at it from the outside. Part of me just wants to tell them “Been there, done that. This situation is only going to get worse for you if you don’t change it now.” But I can’t. I can’t because it isn’t my decision to make this time. And I can’t because that means opening myself up and fully disclosing my past mistakes. And, you know, admitting you are wrong is hard shit. And completely embarrassing.

I am good at reading people and situations. And so far I’ve been able to predict, with pretty astonishingly good accuracy, the twists and turns and consequences that arise in these situations. At this point I could totally say I told you so and shake them furiously until they listen to me. But I won’t. I’ll be strong and keep my thoughts to myself. I’ll sit by and offer advice when asked for it and try not to push too much.

The most important thing I think I can do for my friends is to say, I’ll be there for you.