Firework

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag drifting through the wind, wanting to start again?

Yeah, me too.

When the song Firework first came out, I remember driving my daughter and her friends to dance and they couldn’t stop laughing and making fun of that line. Fourteen year old girls didn’t quite understand the meaning behind it. But I did. I still listen to this song and think about these lyrics. I know there is more to me. I just have to find that spark.

I have made a huge life change this year, though. That has definitely helped me tread the ocean water a bit easier. But I’m not there yet.  I can see the shoreline, I just need to reach it. I just need a little help getting there.

It is happening though. As slow as the swim is, I am getting there. Although I am tired and achy, I am getting a little stronger with each stroke.

Ride

You know what is truly never-ending? Thoughts?

Really. You are always thinking. Sometimes they’re good and happy and sometimes they’re sad or scared or worried, but they are always there. Even if you are told to clear your mind, there’s still something brewing in there.

I spend so much of my time in my own head it’s scary. I’m always around other people, we’re just always doing our own thing. And I get lost in my thoughts. A lot.

That’s not necessarily a bad thing. But most of the time my mind is definitely a fantasy.  I come up with lots of great ideas and have some wonderfully uplifting pep-talks with myself. Most of these thoughts, unfortunately, I never act on and the pep-talks are for naught.

I could spend hours gearing myself up for something. Usually, though, I never do whatever it was I was gearing up for! I get myself all hot and bothered for no reason whatsoever. I just waste my time and energy. All because thoughts are unstoppable. They just keep coming, one after another.

Confident

So lately I’ve been writing all about my own life and what seems (to me, anyway) to be the end of life as I know it. Sure, shit that I’m going through is tough and could potentially be devastating to me and my family, but it is no way the end of the world. I’m not in crisis mode or anything like that.

In fact, things are quite calm at the moment. I’m living with (dealing with?) an alternate way of life, I guess you could say.

I’ve stopped paying attention. I wait until he comes to me-for anything and everything. I don’t even text to see how his day is going anymore. It was hard at first, but I think it’s doing us both good. We’ve been together for more than half our lives so we have always done everything and gone everywhere together. I’m starting to do A LOT more on my own, and I think, I don’t know. But things are changing a little bit. I’m only going out with girlfriends, not doing anything that girls would do to get their boyfriends jealous, but I think it is getting to him a little. Not quite sure what it is, to be honest.

When we first started dating, I was very confident and self-assured. Somewhere along the way I lost my confidence. Although I didn’t need to, I always asked if it was alright with him when I made plans or bought lunch or what-have-you. I don’t do that anymore. I am not sure what the shift is, but I’m finding my confidence again.

I started practicing yoga a few weeks ago. Last week the instructor told a story about being married to an alcoholic and after she started practicing yoga regularly her confidence went up and she was able to leave her husband. Now she owns three yoga studios. That story got me thinking and made me wonder if the yoga has anything to do with my new confidence. Everyone says yoga has huge benefits both physical and mental, but you don’t always notice them right away.

Hmm, I wonder.

Wouldn’t It Be Nice

I woke up heartbroken this morning.

I was talking to an old friend. We had a long, great conversation. It has been years since we really talked so we talked about everything and anything. We reminisced, we laughed, we got real serious and real honest.

Then we cried. He told me that he was getting divorced. My heart sank. He always seemed so happy, they always seemed so perfect. He was always smiling; his smile was something that I always loved about him. We had to end our conversation then and he promised to call me the next day. Even after hours of fun, happy conversation all I could think of was the last few minutes. He sounded so sad, so disappointed, so discouraged. Then I thought about his two kids. They’re so young. I can’t imagine how confused and heartbroken they will be. I can’t imagine having to tell them and trying to explain everything.

I wanted nothing more in that moment to be able to take him and hug him and make him feel better.

He was my first love. They say you never forget your first love, and I believe that is true. I just want him to continue being happy and carefree.

Then I woke up with a heavy heart. As far as I know he is still happy and carefree. Even though we do still talk once in a while, our conversations are nothing like the one I dreamt.

I’m beginning to wonder what these dreams are trying to tell me. I keep having dreams similar to this one. Is my subconscious just trying to confirm how I already feel? True love or the perfect life is just too elusive?

I don’t want to believe that. I want to believe in fairy tale happy endings.

This Is The Time

So I wonder, are there really only 2 types of personalities? One type who can’t sit and relax for longer than 15 minutes and the other type who only wants to sit and do nothing?

I think not. I think there has to be an in-between because I don’t fit into either of those two categories.

Don’t get me wrong, there are days when I could sit and watch a movie or TV show marathon all day long, but I definitely do not feel guilty for doing so. That’s not to say that I would do that every day if given the chance. It would get boring pretty quickly.

I am definitely not a workaholic either. I am not lazy about doing things, but I don’t look for things to clean or fix just because all my regular household chores are done.  I won’t sacrifice time with my kids to do some meaningless task that can wait for tomorrow.

I shouldn’t have to weather a storm to decide to play with my kids or mop the kitchen floor. I’d love to not have to go to work every day so I could be home with them more, but these days that just isn’t possible. And I do like going on vacations with them and taking them out to eat once in a while. I would definitely rather hang with my family than mow the lawn or vacuum the pool, but those things need to be done. Sometimes they can be put off for a couple hours, sometimes I need to do it right away. But I just can’t put off my kids.

My family is all I have, they come first. Every time. Because you just don’t know how long you’ll have with them. I hope to have as few regrets as possible when I die.

Road To Nowhere

I know life is supposed to be a journey and we’re all just along for the ride, but where’s the destination? I feel like I’m just strapped into a car on a roller coaster. There’s a lot of ups and downs and I’m even thrown upside down once in a while.

Lately I get off of it with a headache.

I’m going through so many ups and downs.

Takabisha_roller_coaster

Work is finally on an upswing. It also helps that it’s a new job and I’ve finally been able to put my old job behind me. It was a good job but it was filled with such negative, hateful, mean people. Thankfully, I don’t have to worry about any of that now.

Home is where I can’t tell if I’m going up a hill or on the way down. Maybe I’m on a flat piece of track right now. Actually, I think I’m in a tunnel, unable to see where I’m headed. It’s a little scary.

I guess I’m alright not knowing where I’m supposed to be headed.I know wherever I end up will be great. I’ll just try to enjoy the ride a little more.

Journey

Stone Cold

OK, I should apologize. I have been a bit of a negative Nelly lately.

Alright, I’ve been really negative and down. I didn’t realize how much so until I got a message from a friend that she was a tad concerned after reading some of these blog posts.

I’m not meaning to cause any concern. I’m only trying to set some of my many thoughts loose so that they aren’t harboring inside my mind driving me crazy anymore. It’s easier to write about my feelings than to talk about them. Then nobody has to see me ugly cry if it happens.

So after realizing just how sad and depressed I sound to people, I decided to just veg out over the weekend. I read a lot, watched the kids ninja warrior class, went to my Saturday morning yoga class and baked. A lot of baking. I kept to myself much of the time. Although I spent a lot of time with my family, I didn’t do much speaking — to anyone. I stayed inside myself. I may have thought a lot, I really can’t remember, but I think I mostly just blanked. I was there physically, but mentally I was far away.

I think I’ve decided (for now anyway) that I am not going to beg for anything. If he wants to talk to me, he can text me first. He can say hello first and goodnight first. I am not coming to him anymore. I am not going to be the initiator for anyone or anything. I’m tired of it.

Despite feeling so unsure of myself lately, I slept very soundly last night. I was in the middle of a dream when my alarm went off. That makes it so much more difficult to wake up.  I was sitting on his lap and his arms were around me, just how I remember when he used to do that. He reached up and moved my hair from my face. Then I woke up. Happy at first, then reality hit me. I sighed and got out of bed.

If you want me, you know where to find me. In the meantime, I’ll keep myself positive. I won’t worry about anyone else at all (except my kids, of course). I will do whatever I need to do for me. I’ll take care of my own needs. I have no problem with that at all.

 

Cowardice