Firework

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag drifting through the wind, wanting to start again?

Yeah, me too.

When the song Firework first came out, I remember driving my daughter and her friends to dance and they couldn’t stop laughing and making fun of that line. Fourteen year old girls didn’t quite understand the meaning behind it. But I did. I still listen to this song and think about these lyrics. I know there is more to me. I just have to find that spark.

I have made a huge life change this year, though. That has definitely helped me tread the ocean water a bit easier. But I’m not there yet.  I can see the shoreline, I just need to reach it. I just need a little help getting there.

It is happening though. As slow as the swim is, I am getting there. Although I am tired and achy, I am getting a little stronger with each stroke.

Ride

You know what is truly never-ending? Thoughts?

Really. You are always thinking. Sometimes they’re good and happy and sometimes they’re sad or scared or worried, but they are always there. Even if you are told to clear your mind, there’s still something brewing in there.

I spend so much of my time in my own head it’s scary. I’m always around other people, we’re just always doing our own thing. And I get lost in my thoughts. A lot.

That’s not necessarily a bad thing. But most of the time my mind is definitely a fantasy.  I come up with lots of great ideas and have some wonderfully uplifting pep-talks with myself. Most of these thoughts, unfortunately, I never act on and the pep-talks are for naught.

I could spend hours gearing myself up for something. Usually, though, I never do whatever it was I was gearing up for! I get myself all hot and bothered for no reason whatsoever. I just waste my time and energy. All because thoughts are unstoppable. They just keep coming, one after another.

Confident

So lately I’ve been writing all about my own life and what seems (to me, anyway) to be the end of life as I know it. Sure, shit that I’m going through is tough and could potentially be devastating to me and my family, but it is no way the end of the world. I’m not in crisis mode or anything like that.

In fact, things are quite calm at the moment. I’m living with (dealing with?) an alternate way of life, I guess you could say.

I’ve stopped paying attention. I wait until he comes to me-for anything and everything. I don’t even text to see how his day is going anymore. It was hard at first, but I think it’s doing us both good. We’ve been together for more than half our lives so we have always done everything and gone everywhere together. I’m starting to do A LOT more on my own, and I think, I don’t know. But things are changing a little bit. I’m only going out with girlfriends, not doing anything that girls would do to get their boyfriends jealous, but I think it is getting to him a little. Not quite sure what it is, to be honest.

When we first started dating, I was very confident and self-assured. Somewhere along the way I lost my confidence. Although I didn’t need to, I always asked if it was alright with him when I made plans or bought lunch or what-have-you. I don’t do that anymore. I am not sure what the shift is, but I’m finding my confidence again.

I started practicing yoga a few weeks ago. Last week the instructor told a story about being married to an alcoholic and after she started practicing yoga regularly her confidence went up and she was able to leave her husband. Now she owns three yoga studios. That story got me thinking and made me wonder if the yoga has anything to do with my new confidence. Everyone says yoga has huge benefits both physical and mental, but you don’t always notice them right away.

Hmm, I wonder.

Wouldn’t It Be Nice

I woke up heartbroken this morning.

I was talking to an old friend. We had a long, great conversation. It has been years since we really talked so we talked about everything and anything. We reminisced, we laughed, we got real serious and real honest.

Then we cried. He told me that he was getting divorced. My heart sank. He always seemed so happy, they always seemed so perfect. He was always smiling; his smile was something that I always loved about him. We had to end our conversation then and he promised to call me the next day. Even after hours of fun, happy conversation all I could think of was the last few minutes. He sounded so sad, so disappointed, so discouraged. Then I thought about his two kids. They’re so young. I can’t imagine how confused and heartbroken they will be. I can’t imagine having to tell them and trying to explain everything.

I wanted nothing more in that moment to be able to take him and hug him and make him feel better.

He was my first love. They say you never forget your first love, and I believe that is true. I just want him to continue being happy and carefree.

Then I woke up with a heavy heart. As far as I know he is still happy and carefree. Even though we do still talk once in a while, our conversations are nothing like the one I dreamt.

I’m beginning to wonder what these dreams are trying to tell me. I keep having dreams similar to this one. Is my subconscious just trying to confirm how I already feel? True love or the perfect life is just too elusive?

I don’t want to believe that. I want to believe in fairy tale happy endings.

This Is The Time

So I wonder, are there really only 2 types of personalities? One type who can’t sit and relax for longer than 15 minutes and the other type who only wants to sit and do nothing?

I think not. I think there has to be an in-between because I don’t fit into either of those two categories.

Don’t get me wrong, there are days when I could sit and watch a movie or TV show marathon all day long, but I definitely do not feel guilty for doing so. That’s not to say that I would do that every day if given the chance. It would get boring pretty quickly.

I am definitely not a workaholic either. I am not lazy about doing things, but I don’t look for things to clean or fix just because all my regular household chores are done.  I won’t sacrifice time with my kids to do some meaningless task that can wait for tomorrow.

I shouldn’t have to weather a storm to decide to play with my kids or mop the kitchen floor. I’d love to not have to go to work every day so I could be home with them more, but these days that just isn’t possible. And I do like going on vacations with them and taking them out to eat once in a while. I would definitely rather hang with my family than mow the lawn or vacuum the pool, but those things need to be done. Sometimes they can be put off for a couple hours, sometimes I need to do it right away. But I just can’t put off my kids.

My family is all I have, they come first. Every time. Because you just don’t know how long you’ll have with them. I hope to have as few regrets as possible when I die.

Road To Nowhere

I know life is supposed to be a journey and we’re all just along for the ride, but where’s the destination? I feel like I’m just strapped into a car on a roller coaster. There’s a lot of ups and downs and I’m even thrown upside down once in a while.

Lately I get off of it with a headache.

I’m going through so many ups and downs.

Takabisha_roller_coaster

Work is finally on an upswing. It also helps that it’s a new job and I’ve finally been able to put my old job behind me. It was a good job but it was filled with such negative, hateful, mean people. Thankfully, I don’t have to worry about any of that now.

Home is where I can’t tell if I’m going up a hill or on the way down. Maybe I’m on a flat piece of track right now. Actually, I think I’m in a tunnel, unable to see where I’m headed. It’s a little scary.

I guess I’m alright not knowing where I’m supposed to be headed.I know wherever I end up will be great. I’ll just try to enjoy the ride a little more.

Journey

Stone Cold

OK, I should apologize. I have been a bit of a negative Nelly lately.

Alright, I’ve been really negative and down. I didn’t realize how much so until I got a message from a friend that she was a tad concerned after reading some of these blog posts.

I’m not meaning to cause any concern. I’m only trying to set some of my many thoughts loose so that they aren’t harboring inside my mind driving me crazy anymore. It’s easier to write about my feelings than to talk about them. Then nobody has to see me ugly cry if it happens.

So after realizing just how sad and depressed I sound to people, I decided to just veg out over the weekend. I read a lot, watched the kids ninja warrior class, went to my Saturday morning yoga class and baked. A lot of baking. I kept to myself much of the time. Although I spent a lot of time with my family, I didn’t do much speaking — to anyone. I stayed inside myself. I may have thought a lot, I really can’t remember, but I think I mostly just blanked. I was there physically, but mentally I was far away.

I think I’ve decided (for now anyway) that I am not going to beg for anything. If he wants to talk to me, he can text me first. He can say hello first and goodnight first. I am not coming to him anymore. I am not going to be the initiator for anyone or anything. I’m tired of it.

Despite feeling so unsure of myself lately, I slept very soundly last night. I was in the middle of a dream when my alarm went off. That makes it so much more difficult to wake up.  I was sitting on his lap and his arms were around me, just how I remember when he used to do that. He reached up and moved my hair from my face. Then I woke up. Happy at first, then reality hit me. I sighed and got out of bed.

If you want me, you know where to find me. In the meantime, I’ll keep myself positive. I won’t worry about anyone else at all (except my kids, of course). I will do whatever I need to do for me. I’ll take care of my own needs. I have no problem with that at all.

 

Cowardice

I Know it’s Over

I am trying so hard to be upbeat and optimistic but I am failing miserably. I want so badly to be happy, but my mind keeps going to that place where I can’t get out of. I want to know how to not let my emotions get the best of me. I want to know how to go on in life without caring what someone else might think of me.

I have a hard time sleeping because it’s too quiet and I can do nothing to clear my mind of all “why’s and why not’s” that are running through it. I have a hard time during the day (especially when the office is empty) because I can’t focus on work. It takes all the energy I can muster sometimes to not sit and cry at my desk.  I have a hard time at home in the evenings because the tension is so thick lately.

Talking doesn’t work. Talking (trying to talk) is what led to this black hole that I’m in now. I’m starting to think that talking is overrated. Fuck, love is overrated.

A wise man once said “Do or do not, there is no try.” 😉

I finally realize the meaning in that. I have tried for so long, I think I finally realize that I have failed. It’s over

 

Darkness

Untouchable

Wow. Today’s Daily Prompt word is Forbidden.  That’s a pretty loaded word. I could write multiple posts on that word alone. Each one being something completely different from the last.

At the moment I feel like much of my life is forbidden.

I used to work with a bunch of girls who liked to have colorful conversations, they could even be described as somewhat flirtatious. I am missing those conversations where I work now.

I miss flirting. My husband doesn’t flirt. At all. He completely shuts me down. I tried sending flirty texts during the day. No response whatsoever. When I asked him about it, “What if someone looked at my phone?”  OH WELL! Then they would know you have a wife that’s interested in you. It’s not like I was sending boob pics, for crying out loud!

And at home it’s the same. The kids are around, or they have friends over or I’m watching the news or…

Again, I’m not giving him a lap dance in the middle of dinner.

There is such a lack of interest on his part and I’m craving just a little bit of flirting. Preferably with him. I married him. I love him. I want him.

That being said, I am not looking for a relationship. But I do miss the silly fun that comes with flirting with someone.  So when someone else flirts with me a little, I flirt right back.

I have made it clear that there is no chance at a relationship; I do not want one and nothing is going to happen. But I will fill that flirtatious void in my life with someone. Knowing that anything more is strictly off-limits, no matter if it is wanted down the road.

Forbidden

Freedom of Choice

I think most people have layers to them.

There is not one person on this earth who is all good or all bad. Some people may be so bad that they are plain evil, but I’m sure that they have good in them, too. Darth Vader was not completely evil. He was a good person, with good intentions until he couldn’t figure out how to overcome some of the events in his life. He didn’t know how to deal with his anger and it consumed him. It changed him.

Yes, I know I am talking about a fictional character in a fictional universe. But doesn’t it apply to us, too? Isn’t it just as easy for real people to become weak and give in to the circumstances surrounding them? I mean, if it wasn’t then everyone would have an education. Everyone would have a job. If everyone was strong then we would not be jealous of each other. We wouldn’t hate each other. We wouldn’t be so quick to judge each other.

But we do judge. Often times we judge someone on just one piece of information. Information that may have been heard second or third hand. Information that may not be correct. Information that may be correct but without knowing any facts.  There are so many circumstances that can cause a person to make any decision, whether wise or poor, and the truth is, only one person will only know all the facts surrounding it.

I will admit, I am definitely guilty. I am guilty of judging others and I am guilty of making poor choices myself. But knowing what brought about my circumstances and what helped shape my poor decisions, I try to give the benefit of the doubt before (and after) I judge anyone on their mistakes. I think most of the time we would find that a decision was not made on purpose, but because the person thought there was no other choice. Or the actions were based on emotions. Oftentimes if a person is depressed or have negative feelings about his or her life, he or she will do whatever it takes to be happy again. If this person is at a low enough point, he or she might even gravitate towards a person for happiness. I think sometimes it’s easier going to someone new or different for help instead of a spouse or mate.

That’s not to say that I think cheating on a spouse is right. But I see how it happens. I can see how a person who constantly feels alone or neglected or unloved even, would give in to the temptation of someone else who might fill that void. I think it would be easy to fall for someone new under those circumstances. Everyone wants to feel wanted and needed. If the one person who is supposed to make you feel that way for the rest of your life isn’t showing any interest in you, then it could be very hard to resist. It doesn’t matter if you are the most thoughtful and caring person in the world, you are still vulnerable.

I’m not saying to go looking to make poor decisions on purpose, or that emotions are reasons to make a bad choice and it’s OK. But I’m saying I understand the rationale behind it.

I don’t think making a poor choice makes someone a bad person.  I think it makes that person human. I think we all do things at times that we may regret down the line. Sometimes, we may make those poor choices and still not regret them later. And that doesn’t make us bad either.

It means we have many layers to us. It means we should not be defined by just one thing.