Stone Cold

OK, I should apologize. I have been a bit of a negative Nelly lately.

Alright, I’ve been really negative and down. I didn’t realize how much so until I got a message from a friend that she was a tad concerned after reading some of these blog posts.

I’m not meaning to cause any concern. I’m only trying to set some of my many thoughts loose so that they aren’t harboring inside my mind driving me crazy anymore. It’s easier to write about my feelings than to talk about them. Then nobody has to see me ugly cry if it happens.

So after realizing just how sad and depressed I sound to people, I decided to just veg out over the weekend. I read a lot, watched the kids ninja warrior class, went to my Saturday morning yoga class and baked. A lot of baking. I kept to myself much of the time. Although I spent a lot of time with my family, I didn’t do much speaking — to anyone. I stayed inside myself. I may have thought a lot, I really can’t remember, but I think I mostly just blanked. I was there physically, but mentally I was far away.

I think I’ve decided (for now anyway) that I am not going to beg for anything. If he wants to talk to me, he can text me first. He can say hello first and goodnight first. I am not coming to him anymore. I am not going to be the initiator for anyone or anything. I’m tired of it.

Despite feeling so unsure of myself lately, I slept very soundly last night. I was in the middle of a dream when my alarm went off. That makes it so much more difficult to wake up.  I was sitting on his lap and his arms were around me, just how I remember when he used to do that. He reached up and moved my hair from my face. Then I woke up. Happy at first, then reality hit me. I sighed and got out of bed.

If you want me, you know where to find me. In the meantime, I’ll keep myself positive. I won’t worry about anyone else at all (except my kids, of course). I will do whatever I need to do for me. I’ll take care of my own needs. I have no problem with that at all.

 

Cowardice

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