Better Than Revenge

I wouldn’t exactly describe myself as overly aggressive. I am not a fanatic, about anything really. But I can be fierce if needed.

For instance if someone messes with my family in any way, well, let’s just say that is a bad choice. I’m a very laid back person but I will take you down if I need to.

I’m also a pretty jealous person. I have no problem admitting this. In fact, I can’t deny it, I have a hard time not showing my emotions in my face.

But in recent years I have started to become better at learning to walk away. I’ve learned not to react right away. I can take a step back and before I fight for something I can breathe and weigh my options so-to-speak.  Is this something even worth fighting over? If I lose this battle, what else will I lose with it? What are the consequences if I win? Does someone else want this more than I do? How many people are involved and what are the consequences for them?

I no longer instantly react. I may react in my head and rave and bitch at other people who may be an obstacle in my way, but I play it calm and cool on the outside. Maybe I’m finally maturing. Or maybe I just feel too old to fight for some things. Or perhaps I am just not supposed to fight for certain things.

Either way, I pick and choose my battles now. If I have no right to something, I’ll walk away, no matter how bad it hurts.

Although, I will be aggressive and fight for what is mine every time.

Every. Single. Time.

Feed My Frankenstein

If I am totally honest, I’d have to say that my vices are many. Ice cream for one. I can’t pass up ice cream. Especially chocolate. If you want to get to me, you do it through ice cream. But I think my biggest downfall is wanting what I can’t have.

I can go for years without wanting or needing. Then one day I’ll have a small taste of something that should be off-limits and BOOM. Suddenly it’s all I think about.

My mind, my thoughts, my dreams even seem to be consumed by this one thing.

It’s just out of reach, dangling in front of me, waiting for me to grab. I’m taunted by the very fact that it exists; by the possibilities of what I could do with it; by the joy and satisfaction it could bring to me.

It is hard to concentrate on anything else and I find myself daydreaming. A lot. I have such a lust for it that my body sometimes aches. I sometimes feel that I just need to grab it and do with it what I need, if only to break this spell that it has me under. So I can feel it, taste and taste it then move on.

But what if that doesn’t work? What if I want it more?

I guess we’ll just have to find out.

Smells Like Teen Spirit

I don’t even know how I would describe this past weekend to anyone. It wasn’t bad, but at the same time it wasn’t good.

Maybe it was good, it just wasn’t great. It was a typical roller coaster ride of emotions.

I had a dull migraine all weekend, too. I am sure that played a part in my emotional well-being.

It started out on such a high. I had nothing big happening all weekend, but I was looking forward to it. Then so many little things just picked away at me. I small remark here, a little bit of attitude there. Unnecessary pokes at me that only reinforce my low self-esteem.  Like when people make jokes at your expense, thinking that they’re being funny. They really have no idea what’s going on inside my head, all while I laugh at their “joke”. I refuse to show people how they make me feel. I spent all weekend in hiding just to do that.

I’ve become an expert at hiding.

I hide my feelings. I hide my opinions. I will physically hide in another room to avoid conflict with someone.

So when friends stiff me and back out of plans we’ve had for months, I just say, “Hey, no big deal.”  I’m not going to tell her how pissed I was because this get together was all her idea. I’m not going to let her know how much time it took to clean, shop, and prepare food. I’m also not going to tell her that it was also somewhat relieving that she didn’t come because everyone is sick of her whining about the same thing day after day.

I’ll also not “start a fight” with my husband by mentioning that I was a tad disappointed when I suggested going out without the kids Saturday night for a bit and instead we took the kids out to dinner. By this point I do realize that we’ve been married so long because we have kids, but is it really that painful to spend some time just the two of us? Is it that hard to think of something to talk about?

Ugh. I just feel like I’m over and done with people in general lately. I don’t want to have to beg anyone for attention. If there’s no interest, there’s no interest. I don’t need messages, texts, emails, calls. I don’t need to be looked at or listened to. Would I like it?  Yes. Do I need it? No.

Oh well, whatever. Nevermind.


You Really Got Me

I would love to be a fly on the wall. I would love to witness what really goes on with people. For so many people, I only see one side of them. I’d love to know their whole person.

I think that might be part of my problem lately. I want more. A lot more. I want to know more. I wan to see your whole picture.

I want to be able to do everything; to feel everything; to experience everything; to know everything; to learn everything. I want to be so much more.

I wonder if my opinions of you are accurate or not? I wonder what other people’s true impressions of me are, if they even have any?

I wonder, do you want to witness all of me as well?


I Hope

Took a much-needed relaxing vacation by the beach. Finally. I needed time to just chill and veg out.

It was wonderful. I was happy.

Been back home for 6 days now. Back to work. Back to the home renovations. Back to reality.

I was great until yesterday. Last night I started coming down off my high. Today so far I’m just sad. I don’t know why. I just am.

This whole bathroom makeover is taking a little longer than anticipated. One of my kitchen cabinet doors came off this morning. Email at work hasn’t sent any emails to anyone outside the company since last week.

All little things. Nothing major or life threatening. I don’t even know if any of these things are really what’s bothering me. I just feel…meh.

I’ve often wondered if I could be considered to have a form of depression. I have considered going to talk to someone, but then I chicken out. I try to talk at home, but he doesn’t talk. He doesn’t understand the need to talk. He lacks the basic skills of conversation. I end up feeling worse about myself for even trying to have a conversation.

I’ve also started wondering if I’m just having a miniature mid-life crisis. Getting sad over little things, always worrying about unimportant details, wishing some things were different.

Until I figure this out I guess I just keep on keeping on. Get through the day. Live my life.

Thanks for listening.

Too Little Too Late

I am definitely a prime example of a person who is completely not who she seems. I keep most of my thoughts and feelings inside, only showing you what I want you to see. Only a few select people really know who I am inside, not just what I show on the surface.

This blog was supposed to be a way for me to open up more. To let people see the real me (even if it is only strangers as I stay anonymous). But I still have trouble writing exactly what I want to say. I’m still afraid to really open up and let it all spill out.

I read other people’s blogs on here. I envy some of them because there are some that talk about exactly what I want to talk about. The same topics that I need to get off my chest. Some of them I am in complete agreement with, and others have a totally different opinion or a completely different point of view. I appreciate both views. I am comforted in the fact that there are other people who have made the same types of mistakes I’ve made and who have gone through similar circumstances. People who have felt the same emotions and who have put themselves through the wringer like I have. And I appreciate the people who express the other side of those situations and who share their side of the story. I need to know what it is those people felt and thought and how they reacted at the time. I need to be able to see and feel a situation from all sides, even though I know it won’t be easy.

I want to tell my story. Maybe someday I will. But for now, I can only show small pieces of me at a time. I know people judge pretty harshly, and given what most of my stories on here have been about lately, I can only guess that I’d be judged for past mistakes. I’ve been to the judge and jury already and it’s all in the distant past. I’m not totally ready to bring it to the surface again.

Maybe Katie

Isn’t it something how some people come in and out of your life (and sometimes back in) and some people just stay in it forever? And doesn’t it seem funny that the people who you think will be with you forever seem to be the ones who drop off when you least expect it?

I always took is so very personally if a friend drifted away. Like what did I do or say? But as I got older I realized it just sometimes happens. People become interested in different things, meet new people, move away or get married and have a different way of life. It happens all the time.

Sometimes it happens and then years later an old friend will all of a sudden pop back into your life. That happens all the time, too.

Maybe it’s a sign that they should’ve always been a part of your life. Or maybe after you get to know them again, you realize you were better off being apart. Maybe you needed that time away from each other in order to grow. Maybe you just needed that time to reflect on your life and really decide where to go with it.

But realize, too, that you have a choice. You don’t have to keep up a friendship just because there is a history there. You might find after a while that you and your friend are no longer as compatible as you once were. You could have different priorities or life goals.

It’s OK keep that friend in your life if you want, but don’t feel that the relationship has to mirror what it was before. Just accept it for what it is now. Make it brand new.



Missing You

Alright, so I’m coming to the conclusion that having real close friends you can count on in a pinch is a luxury.

I’m feeling pretty much on my own lately. I miss my girls I used to work with. I miss our inappropriate conversations at lunch, that would last throughout the rest of the day. I miss being inappropriate and dirty in general. We laughed so much. I miss laughing until I cry. We still get together about once a month but I feel somewhat of an outsider now. It’s different when you’re not part of the every day conversations anymore.

I also miss my long distance friends. The one I could turn to in any situation and knew I wouldn’t be judged. We talked every day without fail. We laughed at everything and everyone. But lately something has changed. Can’t put my finger on what it is, but it just feels different.  It seems harder to track him down and when we do talk, conversations seem…evasive.

I’ve never been one to really confront anyone. Not even good at opening up to my husband when it’s needed. So I haven’t really asked my friend what the deal is. I just talk when we can and when we can’t I just wonder.

I wonder and I sit and I miss him.

I Want You To Want Me

I know I am not by any means a person you would describe as gorgeous or even beautiful. I never have been. I am not tall and thin, with long blond hair and rock hard abs. I’m average, but I once have been described as attractive. I wouldn’t stand out in a crowd if I was wearing a bright neon yellow dress under black-lights.

I’m OK with this.

I know I’m a good, fun person and that is what attracts people to me and how I’m attracted to other people. So I find it frustrating to know that he isn’t attracted to me.

I am realizing more and more lately that he is about appearances. He worries about what other people think too much. He judges more and more lately. I don’t think this was always the case, but I see it happening now.

There is a lot of stress in this family right now. I know he’s under a lot of pressure. There is a ton of shit going on with his family. His parents are older, sickly, stubborn. They don’t take care of themselves, don’t take their prescriptions the way they are supposed to, addicted to pain pills. It’s a lot to handle and very frustrating, I get that. I am not making excuses for him. What’s happening with them should not affect how he feels toward me. But it does affect how he acts toward me at times. I know he takes out his frustration on me. I’ve let him do that for years, I’ve done the same to him. But that’s not what I’m here for. There should be a lot more to a relationship than using each other as dart boards. Yes, it comes with the territory, but it shouldn’t be the majority of the relationship.

It all comes back down to wanting to be wanted. Needing to feel that. Craving it. If you aren’t attracted to someone, how can you possibly want that person? You just don’t.