I know I am not by any means a person you would describe as gorgeous or even beautiful. I never have been. I am not tall and thin, with long blond hair and rock hard abs. I’m average, but I once have been described as attractive. I wouldn’t stand out in a crowd if I was wearing a bright neon yellow dress under black-lights.
I’m OK with this.
I know I’m a good, fun person and that is what attracts people to me and how I’m attracted to other people. So I find it frustrating to know that he isn’t attracted to me.
I am realizing more and more lately that he is about appearances. He worries about what other people think too much. He judges more and more lately. I don’t think this was always the case, but I see it happening now.
There is a lot of stress in this family right now. I know he’s under a lot of pressure. There is a ton of shit going on with his family. His parents are older, sickly, stubborn. They don’t take care of themselves, don’t take their prescriptions the way they are supposed to, addicted to pain pills. It’s a lot to handle and very frustrating, I get that. I am not making excuses for him. What’s happening with them should not affect how he feels toward me. But it does affect how he acts toward me at times. I know he takes out his frustration on me. I’ve let him do that for years, I’ve done the same to him. But that’s not what I’m here for. There should be a lot more to a relationship than using each other as dart boards. Yes, it comes with the territory, but it shouldn’t be the majority of the relationship.
It all comes back down to wanting to be wanted. Needing to feel that. Craving it. If you aren’t attracted to someone, how can you possibly want that person? You just don’t.