I don’t even know how I would describe this past weekend to anyone. It wasn’t bad, but at the same time it wasn’t good.
Maybe it was good, it just wasn’t great. It was a typical roller coaster ride of emotions.
I had a dull migraine all weekend, too. I am sure that played a part in my emotional well-being.
It started out on such a high. I had nothing big happening all weekend, but I was looking forward to it. Then so many little things just picked away at me. I small remark here, a little bit of attitude there. Unnecessary pokes at me that only reinforce my low self-esteem. Like when people make jokes at your expense, thinking that they’re being funny. They really have no idea what’s going on inside my head, all while I laugh at their “joke”. I refuse to show people how they make me feel. I spent all weekend in hiding just to do that.
I’ve become an expert at hiding.
I hide my feelings. I hide my opinions. I will physically hide in another room to avoid conflict with someone.
So when friends stiff me and back out of plans we’ve had for months, I just say, “Hey, no big deal.” I’m not going to tell her how pissed I was because this get together was all her idea. I’m not going to let her know how much time it took to clean, shop, and prepare food. I’m also not going to tell her that it was also somewhat relieving that she didn’t come because everyone is sick of her whining about the same thing day after day.
I’ll also not “start a fight” with my husband by mentioning that I was a tad disappointed when I suggested going out without the kids Saturday night for a bit and instead we took the kids out to dinner. By this point I do realize that we’ve been married so long because we have kids, but is it really that painful to spend some time just the two of us? Is it that hard to think of something to talk about?
Ugh. I just feel like I’m over and done with people in general lately. I don’t want to have to beg anyone for attention. If there’s no interest, there’s no interest. I don’t need messages, texts, emails, calls. I don’t need to be looked at or listened to. Would I like it? Yes. Do I need it? No.
Oh well, whatever. Nevermind.