Take A Bow

If I thought my emotions were on a roller coaster ride before, it sure didn’t prepare me for what I went through the past 4 days or so.

I was completely numb at first. Or maybe I was in denial. I just pushed anything I was feeling away; swept it under the bed so I didn’t have to deal with it.

I had the rug pulled out from under me, the wool pulled over my eyes, completely hoodwinked and any other way you want to put it.

I have felt totally pissed, embarrassed, like a complete idiot, heartbroken, and then I stopped caring. But I never cried.  I knew I’d never see or hear from this person again so I decided to put it behind me.

Then Saturday I got the shock of my life. Turns out I wasn’t the only person fooled, this I knew, but I found out the circumstances surrounding this masquerade. Everything hit me in the gut all over again. I’ve been trying to put it all out of my mind, I’m trying hard, but I just can’t. This was part of my daily life for the better part of a year. There was a certain zing to my life.

I guess maybe I’m lucky, the only thing I lost in all this was a friend. But a friend who I talked to everyday. Or did I? I guess it wasn’t real so can I even say I lost anything? And now I have no one to talk to about this. I am totally on my own with this one. I don’t know if that’s good or bad. If I can’t talk to anyone then I don’t have to admit that this was anything more to me.

I almost cried last night thinking about that. Almost,  but I was able to hold it back. I’m doing my best to keep it that way.

I hope this is the last I write about this but there are so many thoughts and questions going through my head. I can’t make any promises, sorry.

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Say Goodbye

Sometimes I want to be the kind of girl who walks into a bar with her girlfriends and leaves with hot guy ready to fuck.

I know, not very classy, elegant or moral by any means. But God, I so need that kind of excitement right now. That kind of passion. I need to be sitting there and feel a strangers eyes on me. Lusting and wanting me. To know someone is showing an interest in me because he wants to, not because he has to. I don’t really think it’s a lot to ask.

I have everything I need at home. Except that.

I want to flirt with a stranger. I want to do more than flirt. I want to feel his fingers brush against my skin and his warm breath as he whispers in my ear. His soft lips on my lips.

I’m not looking for a relationship, just one night.

You know what, I probably wouldn’t even go home with anyone. I just want to know that it could happen. I want to pretend that it will happen.

 

Live To Tell

That dreaded moment when someone asks you a specific question and you freeze, trying to think of how to answer it. You realize that there is no right or wrong answer, but you need to be careful with how much you elaborate on your response. That’s where you could get into trouble.

I’ve been getting into trouble with saying too much lately. I find that both amusing and concerning because I don’t say very much to begin with.

In fact, I struggle with telling people my thoughts at all. I go back and forth wondering if I should say anything. I want the best for people, so I don’t take these decisions lightly. If I do say something, it’s only because I truly believe the person needs to know this information. Whether it be my opinion of a friend or relationship or if they are heading down a troubling path. My best friend’s husband is not my favorite person, not even close, and I am VERY conscientious of what I share with her when she is talking about him. But not just with her. With my friends, kids, husband, coworkers…other acquaintances.

You’d be amazed at how much I actually hold back. The little bit that I do share is usually just the tip of the iceberg. I really want to say that this guy is really only using you to get close to someone else, or be careful how much you share with this girl because if EITHER of you decide to move on in a different direction for whatever reason, she is going to go psycho hose beast all over you. Not to mention she is already way too clingy and dependent on you. But I won’t say any of this. I will just be your friend, or your mom, or your whatever and when you need me. When the time comes, or if you come right out and ask me, then I will say more.

I know a big reason that I don’t say what I’m really thinking is because I don’t want people mad at me. Many times the consequences of giving advice or just talking about something results in my having to apologize for it.

So I don’t say anything unless I’m asked.

Most of my thoughts (secrets) will go with me to my grave.

 

Fever

I think about this a lot, though I can’t say I’m obsessed. Yet.

Maybe I am obsessed with the thoughts. With the thoughts of the act itself.

Thoughts of an act that I cannot describe right now. An act that makes me blush thinking about it.

Making the blood rush to cheeks making me feel hot. But even though I’m hot I still get a shiver down my spine.

My body shivers and I am sweating and out of breath because that’s what you do to me.

You make me feel…