Ugh. I wish I was one of those people who could just say what ever they wanted and didn’t worry about how it made anyone feel or what would be said back to them. I wish I didn’t worry about everything so much. I wish I didn’t feel so much.
Wouldn’t it be nice if feelings could just be banned? If it were possible to just turn them off? That would make life a lot easier if you ask me.
Today is just another meh day. It isn’t great, it isn’t horrible. It’s just, meh. But for some reason I’m in a depressed, woe-is-me mood.
I’ve had very little to gripe about lately. Life has been good the past few weeks. Days have been easy to get through. Perhaps this is my transformation. Maybe I’m finally accepting that I made my bed and now it’s time to crawl under the covers and stay there for a while.
Though this stress-free life is relieving for a while, it also makes for some tough writers block.
That’s OK I guess. There’s really no need to spill every detail of my life daily. It’s way too boring, unless you’d like to hear about morning yoga sessions and when I’m too tired to wake up for them.
I realize that I sound like a broke record lately. I’m sorry. Feel free to skip this post if you like.
I know I can’t have everything. I don’t think I want everything. What I want is to feel loved. I want to feel like I’m worth something; like I bring some value to the world. I need to be wanted, desired. I need to feel important.
My life isn’t bad. Everyone is healthy. There’s no abuse. We can pay our bills and keep a roof over our heads and have food to eat. Honestly, I really have nothing to complain about.
But yes, I want more from him. More than he is willing to give. I don’t want the type of marriage his parents have. I want what my parents had. Unfortunately he was never able to see what they had, so he doesn’t know where it is I’m coming from. He doesn’t understand my need. He probably never will.
Isn’t it weird how one day can be so good and the next you just want to crawl in a hole?
Not that yesterday was a great day by any means; so many things went wrong for me. I was exhausted. But I was still in a good mood, happy. Today, so far nothing really went wrong, but my whole outlook is the complete opposite from yesterday. Perhaps it’s because of everything that happened yesterday. Today I just feel like if someone looks at me wrong I’ll just break down and cry.
I don’t know what it is. I wish I did, it would be easier to move on from this mood. I wish I could pinpoint the cause. I wish I could flip a switch. I wish it was that easy.
Hopefully by the end of the day I can turn this around.
Life has been drama free lately. Nothing to complain about. Nothing to rejoice about.
I’ve just been, living.
This is good. I’m not a fan of drama. I am mostly very easy going and laid back.
I’ve stopped worrying about the whys in life and have just been accepting everything.
It is what it is.
I still don’t have any real answers from my friend. But I’ve also stopped asking for them, too. I’m not going to worry about it anymore.
I think the difference is that I’m not worrying about anything right now. I’m not worrying about anyone else but myself. I’m being daring; I’m taking care of me, doing things for me, and worrying about my own happiness. Who cares what the world thinks, I’m having fun.
I like it like this. I am making plans with friends. I go shopping when I want to. I am watching the TV shows that I want to watch. I go up to bed early and read.
I haven’t left, I’m still home and he’s still there. We’re existing together. I’m slowly accepting that he’s changed from when we were first married and doesn’t need life to be fun and exciting any more. This is why I’m all about me lately.