Fairytale

I think I read too many books and watch too many movies. I give myself a false sense of reality; I want my dream world to be my reality. This only causes disappointment as I often want my relationships to mimic those in stories.

I want the man to look at me with longing. I want to know exactly what he’s thinking and feeling just by looking at his face. I want him to grab me and kiss me and not put me down.

But those are all just fairy tales I suppose. Stuff like that doesn’t happen in real life. It’s only a culture in fiction. So I won’t dwell on it.

Well, I’ll try not to dwell on it. I try not to dwell on anything, but my mind often goes where it shouldn’t. That’s just my culture. That’s my way of life.

He’s going out-of-town for the day tomorrow. Originally I was going with him. I was excited – I’d have the day to myself to explore and see whatever I wanted and we’d have all that night to ourselves. I was really looking forward to it. Then plans changed, he was told he only needed to go for the day and would be flying home that night, so I am no longer going. I told him I was disappointed that we didn’t have that time together when he asked if I was mad, he never acknowledged my response. That disappointed me even more than missing out on our time together.

I figured it would be better to go in to work than to sit at home and feel bad about a missed opportunity. But now I kind of wish I had still taken the day off. Just to be home and be lazy by myself for a few hours until kids come home from school. Yeah, I wish I had done that.

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Somethin’ Bad

I’ve been called many names throughout my life. Both as a child and as an adult. Most of the time these names are unfounded and I can brush it off. Sometimes it’ll hit me hard, whether it was meant in jest or as a true insult. One word in particular that gets me is filthy.

Depending on what’s going on in my life at the time (or just how I’m feeling at that moment) there is a totally different reason it makes me feel like a piece of shit.

Recently I’ve been using that word to describe myself. Not for what you might think. Not because of anything I’ve done, but because of what I haven’t been doing. I’ve been so lazy lately and eating such crap just because it’s convenient. It’s really starting to take a toll on me.

Gone is the confidence I’ve felt in the beginning of this year. As is the strength I’ve had in the past. A lot of the people who were in my life at that time are no longer around or are different themselves. Things that bothered me then no longer bother me, they’ve been replaced with new worries.

I’ve had some emotional meltdowns between then and now. And today I feel like I’m starting to gain some of that confidence back. I’m starting to feel motivated again. I’ve been doing specific exercises to decrease (hopefully eliminate) the pain in certain areas when I run. I’ve been working on strength, and starting back up (slowly) with running. I’ve even entered an 8K on Thanksgiving morning. No, I don’t expect to run the entire way, but I have a few family members that will be walking, too.

In fact, I’m feeling so good right now that I’m looking at training plans for a half marathon. I’ll have plenty of time to train, as it isn’t until May, though that much time may back fire on me.

I may be feeling good right now, but I shouldn’t count my chickens before they’re hatched. I’m always feeling like something bad’s about to happen.

 

The Heart Wants What It Wants

Second Thoughts.

I feel like every day I have second thoughts. And third. And fourth.

Every day I wake up in a different frame of mind. Every night I go to bed with a completely different decision from what I woke up with.

I need to have some potentially difficult discussions, but I need the other person to be open to that discussion. I know I may not like the outcome but at least I would know where I stand. Where he stands. That is the worst part; not knowing how he feels. He says one thing, but his actions don’t always reflect that.

I know that it’s ridiculous to be jealous or upset over something that he has no control of. I know that. I think it’s more the fact that he doesn’t care why I’m upset about it. It’s just another example of how our feelings for each other are different.

There are days that I have totally made up my mind on how I’m going to be. I’m going to treat him exactly how I want him to treat me. Maybe after a little while he’ll start being that way, too. Then when the time comes I just don’t do it. For various reasons. Maybe I’m just not in the mood, or I am in the mood but he came home from work all crabby and now I’m in a bad mood. Maybe I’m just too afraid of the rejection. Maybe it’s all of it.

I hate having time alone right now. I spend too much time inside my head. More than once last week I couldn’t fall asleep because I was trying too hard not to let him know I was crying while we were lying in bed next to each other.

I should just let it go right now. We aren’t fighting or arguing with each other. He isn’t in one of his hateful moods where everything that happens is my fault or every decision I make is the wrong one. I’m just looking for a little romance. A little touch every now and again. A kiss just because. A look that says he loves me.

I should be happy with what I have, but I want more.

Smile

I feel like I ran into a brick wall yesterday.

I found a blog last week that really captured my interest. The whole blog comes from a point of view that you don’t really get much insight on. I’m so interested in it because I’ve been in the very same situation and didn’t have anyone to talk it out with at the time it happened. I had to deal with it and heal all on my own. It was very painful and very slow. I admire this writer’s bravery for putting his story out there. Something that I haven’t been able to do, even now 13 years later.

I’m starting from the beginning with his story. So the events and emotions he’s sharing are about a year and a half to two years in the past. I’d like to make up to his present day posts before I comment on any of them, as I know how drastically feelings and circumstances can change in that time frame.

He talks so much about his wife and how much he loves her. How he’s trying so hard to make her happy. It’s been opening up a whole slew of hidden emotions for me. Emotions that I haven’t felt in many, many years and present emotions that I’ve been trying to sort through for a while now.

I keep thinking of how content we’ve been at home lately. Happy, even. But then I try for just a little something more and I hit a road block.

Why?

Is there no longer an attraction to me?  I haven’t really tried flirting at all lately. He’s made it clear that he doesn’t want that. But I can’t just flick a switch and be turned on like he can. I need to lead up to it, or else I get nothing out of it (if you know what I mean). More often than not, lately I feel like we are housemates with benefits. I mean there’s so little physical contact between us besides sex. And it always feels so rushed because we’re usually trying to fit it in between running the kids places or right before we go to sleep.

He’s going out-of-town at the end of the month. Originally he was spending the night there and I was going to go with him. I was so looking forward to exploring a new city on my own during the day and having all that time to ourselves that night. Plans changed (and I kind of expected it) and now he’s only going up for the day. I’m not upset or angry about not going away on a trip, I’m disappointed because I’m losing that time with him. That time of just the two of us to do what we wanted, go where wanted.

He texted me at work a couple of hours after he told me and asked if I was mad. I explained I wasn’t mad, just disappointed that we didn’t have that time together. He never responded. It’s so hard to talk to him about feelings or about us because that’s what he does. He just doesn’t respond. I sent him a text on Monday, “I still can’t get rid of this headache, I think I need to have sex to get rid of it.”  Nothing. Nada. Zip.

Maybe I’m just really generalizing but, wouldn’t most husbands jump on that?

I’d really love to have a sincere conversation with him about all this but he completely shuts down and clams up. Asks me why I’m trying to start a fight.

He’s tried leaving twice before. I talked him out of it each time. I don’t know. Maybe that was selfish of me. Maybe I was just too scared to be on my own with a million kids (OK, we don’t have a million, though sometimes it feels like it). I just know that if I had let him go that I’d be over him and in the process of healing by now.