I feel like every day I have second thoughts. And third. And fourth.
Every day I wake up in a different frame of mind. Every night I go to bed with a completely different decision from what I woke up with.
I need to have some potentially difficult discussions, but I need the other person to be open to that discussion. I know I may not like the outcome but at least I would know where I stand. Where he stands. That is the worst part; not knowing how he feels. He says one thing, but his actions don’t always reflect that.
I know that it’s ridiculous to be jealous or upset over something that he has no control of. I know that. I think it’s more the fact that he doesn’t care why I’m upset about it. It’s just another example of how our feelings for each other are different.
There are days that I have totally made up my mind on how I’m going to be. I’m going to treat him exactly how I want him to treat me. Maybe after a little while he’ll start being that way, too. Then when the time comes I just don’t do it. For various reasons. Maybe I’m just not in the mood, or I am in the mood but he came home from work all crabby and now I’m in a bad mood. Maybe I’m just too afraid of the rejection. Maybe it’s all of it.
I hate having time alone right now. I spend too much time inside my head. More than once last week I couldn’t fall asleep because I was trying too hard not to let him know I was crying while we were lying in bed next to each other.
I should just let it go right now. We aren’t fighting or arguing with each other. He isn’t in one of his hateful moods where everything that happens is my fault or every decision I make is the wrong one. I’m just looking for a little romance. A little touch every now and again. A kiss just because. A look that says he loves me.
I should be happy with what I have, but I want more.