Hall Of Fame

This boot camp is tough. It is definitely the hardest and longest hour of my day. I’m in the middle of my fourth week and I’m proud to say I’ve gone to every class (except two when I was out-of-town). After almost 4 weeks I should be seeing some type of results, right?

Wrong.

I lost a couple of pounds after the first two weeks. The third week I gained a pound. According to my scale at home I’m staying pretty steady this week.

I am super frustrated because I’ve gone from being basically almost sedentary to up and moving around every day. After my hour-long class I’ll go for a 2-3 mile walk with my husband (if we don’t have to go grocery shopping that is). I’ve gone from eating a bowl of ice cream before bed every night to eating a bowl of plain popcorn. I’ve dramatically cut down on the amount of carbs I eat. I’m being choosy and reading labels and trying to increase my protein intake. I am drinking water all day. I’ve even swapped out my chocolate milk at dinner for a glass of water (although perhaps I should keep the chocolate milk for the calcium?).

I know it’s still early in my journey. I knew it wouldn’t be easy and nothing would happen overnight, but I feel like I should have had some type of progress by this point. I am starting to feel defeated already.

Before you say anything about the numbers on the scale, I want you to know that I’m not foggy about this type of thing. I know that muscle weighs more than fat, so it is perfectly logical that I could just be gaining muscle and losing fat. BUT, my clothes are not fitting any better. I guess the upside is that they aren’t fitting any worse, either.

Running is still hard. Leg days just about kill me. And I can’t catch my breath to save my life. I was hoping it would be a bit easier by this point. It really doesn’t feel like it is at all. I’m still sore all the time. I wake up at 2 am because my legs are killing me from my knees down. I’d love to not have to take Tylenol or ibuprofen on a daily basis.

I just want to feel like I am going through all this and will have a positive outcome at the end. I want to feel like 12 weeks of sweat and tears will be worth it in the end and not a waste of my time and money. I want to know that I won’t fail.

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The Lazy Song

I’ve become lazy again. I know this  because my pants are starting to get tight. Again.

I need to perform a massive overhaul of my lifestyle. I like to sleep as late as I can in the mornings so I’ve been skipping my morning yoga almost routinely. I haven’t run in forever. After work is so hectic between getting dinner ready and taking kids to all their extra curricular activities that I just want to veg out or read on the couch when I get home. So that’s exactly what I do.

Yes, I totally know I’m making excuses. At least I can admit that. I can also admit that part of me is happy with the way I am right now. I am not “large and in charge” by any means, but I am in no way what most people would describe as the ideal shape either. I’m OK with this. I just don’t want to get any bigger so that I have to buy a new wardrobe. If I do have to buy a new one though, I’d rather be purchasing smaller sizes.

This is the mindset that I am in today. Tomorrow will most likely be a different story. It always is.

Talk to you later.

Anything Could Happen

HA! Hideout is a pretty good prompt. I could go in so many directions with it today.

I could go very literal and talk about a friend to get that off my chest. Or I could speak figuratively and speak about me. OR, I could just be very mysterious and not let you know who I’m talking about.

I am in a weird spot right now. I’m happy where I am in life but still a little depressed because of just a few small  quirks. I feel like if I just tweaked a few small things life would be so much happier. Unfortunately they aren’t tweaks that I can make to myself, other people would have to be tweaked. And we all know we can’t change someone if they don’t want to be changed.

The funny thing is, there’s nothing serious I’d like to change. No one’s got a dangerous addiction I’d like them to quit (well, someone might have an addiction but it’s not life threatening). I’d just like to take people and violently shake them until they understand. It’s so frustrating when someone can’t see what’s in front of him. Hello, McFly???

I feel like I keep repeating myself: pay attention, have some respect, care a little bit.

I keep thinking that the best action would be to hide my real feelings from others. I’ve been going on thinking that that is what I’ve been doing all along when in fact I haven’t. I have spoken out and made my opinions and feelings known right from the beginning. They’ve just been ignored, which is why I’m truly frustrated.

I’ve learned that you can’t run and hide from situations just by ignoring them. You need to do something to actually stop the situation. You need to make an action. But when you have no control over a situation and have no choice but to sit and wait and not know?  Well, I don’t know. This is the part I hate.

I’m taking a few days off from work for a short trip. I’m hoping that this is what I need to reprogram my brain and stop wanting to change things. I know I need to accept things that I can’t change. I’m really trying to do just that.

via Daily Prompt: Hideout

The Heart Wants What It Wants

Second Thoughts.

I feel like every day I have second thoughts. And third. And fourth.

Every day I wake up in a different frame of mind. Every night I go to bed with a completely different decision from what I woke up with.

I need to have some potentially difficult discussions, but I need the other person to be open to that discussion. I know I may not like the outcome but at least I would know where I stand. Where he stands. That is the worst part; not knowing how he feels. He says one thing, but his actions don’t always reflect that.

I know that it’s ridiculous to be jealous or upset over something that he has no control of. I know that. I think it’s more the fact that he doesn’t care why I’m upset about it. It’s just another example of how our feelings for each other are different.

There are days that I have totally made up my mind on how I’m going to be. I’m going to treat him exactly how I want him to treat me. Maybe after a little while he’ll start being that way, too. Then when the time comes I just don’t do it. For various reasons. Maybe I’m just not in the mood, or I am in the mood but he came home from work all crabby and now I’m in a bad mood. Maybe I’m just too afraid of the rejection. Maybe it’s all of it.

I hate having time alone right now. I spend too much time inside my head. More than once last week I couldn’t fall asleep because I was trying too hard not to let him know I was crying while we were lying in bed next to each other.

I should just let it go right now. We aren’t fighting or arguing with each other. He isn’t in one of his hateful moods where everything that happens is my fault or every decision I make is the wrong one. I’m just looking for a little romance. A little touch every now and again. A kiss just because. A look that says he loves me.

I should be happy with what I have, but I want more.

Forgiveness

I’ve been getting a lot of shit lately. Been hearing that I’m too generous, too soft, too…I don’t even remember what else, I forgive too easily maybe?

Maybe.

I do forgive easily sometimes. I don’t easily forget though. I hold on to things. I hold grudges. But I forgive. I give second chances. Everyone deserves a second chance. I was once given a second chance, and I remember that every day.

I don’t think it’s wrong to accept an apology and move on. People make mistakes everyday. Sometimes you just have a moment of weakness. That one moment can even escalate and snowball into something much bigger than ever expected. It happens. It sucks and other people might get hurt in the crossfire. But, if you take responsibility for your actions, accept the consequences, and genuinely feel remorse then I think you deserve the benefit of the doubt that this will be the last time you make this mistake.

I know, some people aren’t as easily swayed as I am. And just because I forgive someone, doesn’t mean I don’t get angry at them or sad or embarrassed. I still go through all those negative emotions and it does take me some time to over come them.

It’s not always fair to judge a person by one mistake. I know how it feels to be on that side of the situation. Everyone could use a break now and then, especially when you feel like you’re all alone in the world. Like there’s no one on your side.

Making someone else feel like they’re the worst person in the world isn’t going to make anything better. It just prolongs the hurt.

 

Matthew West – Forgiveness (Official Lyric Video) from matthew-west .

The One That Got Away

I don’t know what’s going on lately, but the tides are turning for sure.

My friends, relationships, are different. The two people who I’ve been most absorbed with, the most worried about, are all different. My fears are becoming reality.

One has changed due to circumstances beyond my control. In fact, it has nothing to do with me whatsoever. I was just a bystander who was impacted by the explosion. But it doesn’t change the fact that it isn’t the same and probably won’t be.

The other has changed as a result of the first. Or, at least that’s the way it seems on the outside at the moment. Honestly I think it’s been going downhill for a few months. And it hurts.

It hurts because this is who I’ve stood by through everything without judgement. Watched him make mistakes and when he wouldn’t take my advice I didn’t make him feel like an asshole for it. Which is what he’s doing to me now. He doesn’t like decisions I’m making but instead of being a friend about it he keeps on me. I heard you, but I’m still choosing to take the path on the left. Just like I know you heard me when I gave you my advice and opinions, but I didn’t put you down when you chose to ignore me.

I’m sad, too, because this is someone who I had always talked to every day. But the past few months I’d be lucky if we talked once a week. There was a definite turning point. I know exactly when it was, I just don’t know why. Perhaps one day you’ll feel like filling me in on that – if we’re still talking.

Take A Bow

If I thought my emotions were on a roller coaster ride before, it sure didn’t prepare me for what I went through the past 4 days or so.

I was completely numb at first. Or maybe I was in denial. I just pushed anything I was feeling away; swept it under the bed so I didn’t have to deal with it.

I had the rug pulled out from under me, the wool pulled over my eyes, completely hoodwinked and any other way you want to put it.

I have felt totally pissed, embarrassed, like a complete idiot, heartbroken, and then I stopped caring. But I never cried.  I knew I’d never see or hear from this person again so I decided to put it behind me.

Then Saturday I got the shock of my life. Turns out I wasn’t the only person fooled, this I knew, but I found out the circumstances surrounding this masquerade. Everything hit me in the gut all over again. I’ve been trying to put it all out of my mind, I’m trying hard, but I just can’t. This was part of my daily life for the better part of a year. There was a certain zing to my life.

I guess maybe I’m lucky, the only thing I lost in all this was a friend. But a friend who I talked to everyday. Or did I? I guess it wasn’t real so can I even say I lost anything? And now I have no one to talk to about this. I am totally on my own with this one. I don’t know if that’s good or bad. If I can’t talk to anyone then I don’t have to admit that this was anything more to me.

I almost cried last night thinking about that. Almost,  but I was able to hold it back. I’m doing my best to keep it that way.

I hope this is the last I write about this but there are so many thoughts and questions going through my head. I can’t make any promises, sorry.