Take A Bow

If I thought my emotions were on a roller coaster ride before, it sure didn’t prepare me for what I went through the past 4 days or so.

I was completely numb at first. Or maybe I was in denial. I just pushed anything I was feeling away; swept it under the bed so I didn’t have to deal with it.

I had the rug pulled out from under me, the wool pulled over my eyes, completely hoodwinked and any other way you want to put it.

I have felt totally pissed, embarrassed, like a complete idiot, heartbroken, and then I stopped caring. But I never cried.  I knew I’d never see or hear from this person again so I decided to put it behind me.

Then Saturday I got the shock of my life. Turns out I wasn’t the only person fooled, this I knew, but I found out the circumstances surrounding this masquerade. Everything hit me in the gut all over again. I’ve been trying to put it all out of my mind, I’m trying hard, but I just can’t. This was part of my daily life for the better part of a year. There was a certain zing to my life.

I guess maybe I’m lucky, the only thing I lost in all this was a friend. But a friend who I talked to everyday. Or did I? I guess it wasn’t real so can I even say I lost anything? And now I have no one to talk to about this. I am totally on my own with this one. I don’t know if that’s good or bad. If I can’t talk to anyone then I don’t have to admit that this was anything more to me.

I almost cried last night thinking about that. Almost,  but I was able to hold it back. I’m doing my best to keep it that way.

I hope this is the last I write about this but there are so many thoughts and questions going through my head. I can’t make any promises, sorry.

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Live To Tell

That dreaded moment when someone asks you a specific question and you freeze, trying to think of how to answer it. You realize that there is no right or wrong answer, but you need to be careful with how much you elaborate on your response. That’s where you could get into trouble.

I’ve been getting into trouble with saying too much lately. I find that both amusing and concerning because I don’t say very much to begin with.

In fact, I struggle with telling people my thoughts at all. I go back and forth wondering if I should say anything. I want the best for people, so I don’t take these decisions lightly. If I do say something, it’s only because I truly believe the person needs to know this information. Whether it be my opinion of a friend or relationship or if they are heading down a troubling path. My best friend’s husband is not my favorite person, not even close, and I am VERY conscientious of what I share with her when she is talking about him. But not just with her. With my friends, kids, husband, coworkers…other acquaintances.

You’d be amazed at how much I actually hold back. The little bit that I do share is usually just the tip of the iceberg. I really want to say that this guy is really only using you to get close to someone else, or be careful how much you share with this girl because if EITHER of you decide to move on in a different direction for whatever reason, she is going to go psycho hose beast all over you. Not to mention she is already way too clingy and dependent on you. But I won’t say any of this. I will just be your friend, or your mom, or your whatever and when you need me. When the time comes, or if you come right out and ask me, then I will say more.

I know a big reason that I don’t say what I’m really thinking is because I don’t want people mad at me. Many times the consequences of giving advice or just talking about something results in my having to apologize for it.

So I don’t say anything unless I’m asked.

Most of my thoughts (secrets) will go with me to my grave.

 

Too Little Too Late

I am definitely a prime example of a person who is completely not who she seems. I keep most of my thoughts and feelings inside, only showing you what I want you to see. Only a few select people really know who I am inside, not just what I show on the surface.

This blog was supposed to be a way for me to open up more. To let people see the real me (even if it is only strangers as I stay anonymous). But I still have trouble writing exactly what I want to say. I’m still afraid to really open up and let it all spill out.

I read other people’s blogs on here. I envy some of them because there are some that talk about exactly what I want to talk about. The same topics that I need to get off my chest. Some of them I am in complete agreement with, and others have a totally different opinion or a completely different point of view. I appreciate both views. I am comforted in the fact that there are other people who have made the same types of mistakes I’ve made and who have gone through similar circumstances. People who have felt the same emotions and who have put themselves through the wringer like I have. And I appreciate the people who express the other side of those situations and who share their side of the story. I need to know what it is those people felt and thought and how they reacted at the time. I need to be able to see and feel a situation from all sides, even though I know it won’t be easy.

I want to tell my story. Maybe someday I will. But for now, I can only show small pieces of me at a time. I know people judge pretty harshly, and given what most of my stories on here have been about lately, I can only guess that I’d be judged for past mistakes. I’ve been to the judge and jury already and it’s all in the distant past. I’m not totally ready to bring it to the surface again.

Maybe Katie

Isn’t it something how some people come in and out of your life (and sometimes back in) and some people just stay in it forever? And doesn’t it seem funny that the people who you think will be with you forever seem to be the ones who drop off when you least expect it?

I always took is so very personally if a friend drifted away. Like what did I do or say? But as I got older I realized it just sometimes happens. People become interested in different things, meet new people, move away or get married and have a different way of life. It happens all the time.

Sometimes it happens and then years later an old friend will all of a sudden pop back into your life. That happens all the time, too.

Maybe it’s a sign that they should’ve always been a part of your life. Or maybe after you get to know them again, you realize you were better off being apart. Maybe you needed that time away from each other in order to grow. Maybe you just needed that time to reflect on your life and really decide where to go with it.

But realize, too, that you have a choice. You don’t have to keep up a friendship just because there is a history there. You might find after a while that you and your friend are no longer as compatible as you once were. You could have different priorities or life goals.

It’s OK keep that friend in your life if you want, but don’t feel that the relationship has to mirror what it was before. Just accept it for what it is now. Make it brand new.

 

Maybe

Stone Cold

OK, I should apologize. I have been a bit of a negative Nelly lately.

Alright, I’ve been really negative and down. I didn’t realize how much so until I got a message from a friend that she was a tad concerned after reading some of these blog posts.

I’m not meaning to cause any concern. I’m only trying to set some of my many thoughts loose so that they aren’t harboring inside my mind driving me crazy anymore. It’s easier to write about my feelings than to talk about them. Then nobody has to see me ugly cry if it happens.

So after realizing just how sad and depressed I sound to people, I decided to just veg out over the weekend. I read a lot, watched the kids ninja warrior class, went to my Saturday morning yoga class and baked. A lot of baking. I kept to myself much of the time. Although I spent a lot of time with my family, I didn’t do much speaking — to anyone. I stayed inside myself. I may have thought a lot, I really can’t remember, but I think I mostly just blanked. I was there physically, but mentally I was far away.

I think I’ve decided (for now anyway) that I am not going to beg for anything. If he wants to talk to me, he can text me first. He can say hello first and goodnight first. I am not coming to him anymore. I am not going to be the initiator for anyone or anything. I’m tired of it.

Despite feeling so unsure of myself lately, I slept very soundly last night. I was in the middle of a dream when my alarm went off. That makes it so much more difficult to wake up.  I was sitting on his lap and his arms were around me, just how I remember when he used to do that. He reached up and moved my hair from my face. Then I woke up. Happy at first, then reality hit me. I sighed and got out of bed.

If you want me, you know where to find me. In the meantime, I’ll keep myself positive. I won’t worry about anyone else at all (except my kids, of course). I will do whatever I need to do for me. I’ll take care of my own needs. I have no problem with that at all.

 

Cowardice

I Know it’s Over

I am trying so hard to be upbeat and optimistic but I am failing miserably. I want so badly to be happy, but my mind keeps going to that place where I can’t get out of. I want to know how to not let my emotions get the best of me. I want to know how to go on in life without caring what someone else might think of me.

I have a hard time sleeping because it’s too quiet and I can do nothing to clear my mind of all “why’s and why not’s” that are running through it. I have a hard time during the day (especially when the office is empty) because I can’t focus on work. It takes all the energy I can muster sometimes to not sit and cry at my desk.  I have a hard time at home in the evenings because the tension is so thick lately.

Talking doesn’t work. Talking (trying to talk) is what led to this black hole that I’m in now. I’m starting to think that talking is overrated. Fuck, love is overrated.

A wise man once said “Do or do not, there is no try.” 😉

I finally realize the meaning in that. I have tried for so long, I think I finally realize that I have failed. It’s over

 

Darkness

Freedom of Choice

I think most people have layers to them.

There is not one person on this earth who is all good or all bad. Some people may be so bad that they are plain evil, but I’m sure that they have good in them, too. Darth Vader was not completely evil. He was a good person, with good intentions until he couldn’t figure out how to overcome some of the events in his life. He didn’t know how to deal with his anger and it consumed him. It changed him.

Yes, I know I am talking about a fictional character in a fictional universe. But doesn’t it apply to us, too? Isn’t it just as easy for real people to become weak and give in to the circumstances surrounding them? I mean, if it wasn’t then everyone would have an education. Everyone would have a job. If everyone was strong then we would not be jealous of each other. We wouldn’t hate each other. We wouldn’t be so quick to judge each other.

But we do judge. Often times we judge someone on just one piece of information. Information that may have been heard second or third hand. Information that may not be correct. Information that may be correct but without knowing any facts.  There are so many circumstances that can cause a person to make any decision, whether wise or poor, and the truth is, only one person will only know all the facts surrounding it.

I will admit, I am definitely guilty. I am guilty of judging others and I am guilty of making poor choices myself. But knowing what brought about my circumstances and what helped shape my poor decisions, I try to give the benefit of the doubt before (and after) I judge anyone on their mistakes. I think most of the time we would find that a decision was not made on purpose, but because the person thought there was no other choice. Or the actions were based on emotions. Oftentimes if a person is depressed or have negative feelings about his or her life, he or she will do whatever it takes to be happy again. If this person is at a low enough point, he or she might even gravitate towards a person for happiness. I think sometimes it’s easier going to someone new or different for help instead of a spouse or mate.

That’s not to say that I think cheating on a spouse is right. But I see how it happens. I can see how a person who constantly feels alone or neglected or unloved even, would give in to the temptation of someone else who might fill that void. I think it would be easy to fall for someone new under those circumstances. Everyone wants to feel wanted and needed. If the one person who is supposed to make you feel that way for the rest of your life isn’t showing any interest in you, then it could be very hard to resist. It doesn’t matter if you are the most thoughtful and caring person in the world, you are still vulnerable.

I’m not saying to go looking to make poor decisions on purpose, or that emotions are reasons to make a bad choice and it’s OK. But I’m saying I understand the rationale behind it.

I don’t think making a poor choice makes someone a bad person.  I think it makes that person human. I think we all do things at times that we may regret down the line. Sometimes, we may make those poor choices and still not regret them later. And that doesn’t make us bad either.

It means we have many layers to us. It means we should not be defined by just one thing.