Hall Of Fame

This boot camp is tough. It is definitely the hardest and longest hour of my day. I’m in the middle of my fourth week and I’m proud to say I’ve gone to every class (except two when I was out-of-town). After almost 4 weeks I should be seeing some type of results, right?

Wrong.

I lost a couple of pounds after the first two weeks. The third week I gained a pound. According to my scale at home I’m staying pretty steady this week.

I am super frustrated because I’ve gone from being basically almost sedentary to up and moving around every day. After my hour-long class I’ll go for a 2-3 mile walk with my husband (if we don’t have to go grocery shopping that is). I’ve gone from eating a bowl of ice cream before bed every night to eating a bowl of plain popcorn. I’ve dramatically cut down on the amount of carbs I eat. I’m being choosy and reading labels and trying to increase my protein intake. I am drinking water all day. I’ve even swapped out my chocolate milk at dinner for a glass of water (although perhaps I should keep the chocolate milk for the calcium?).

I know it’s still early in my journey. I knew it wouldn’t be easy and nothing would happen overnight, but I feel like I should have had some type of progress by this point. I am starting to feel defeated already.

Before you say anything about the numbers on the scale, I want you to know that I’m not foggy about this type of thing. I know that muscle weighs more than fat, so it is perfectly logical that I could just be gaining muscle and losing fat. BUT, my clothes are not fitting any better. I guess the upside is that they aren’t fitting any worse, either.

Running is still hard. Leg days just about kill me. And I can’t catch my breath to save my life. I was hoping it would be a bit easier by this point. It really doesn’t feel like it is at all. I’m still sore all the time. I wake up at 2 am because my legs are killing me from my knees down. I’d love to not have to take Tylenol or ibuprofen on a daily basis.

I just want to feel like I am going through all this and will have a positive outcome at the end. I want to feel like 12 weeks of sweat and tears will be worth it in the end and not a waste of my time and money. I want to know that I won’t fail.

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I’m Fat

This is getting very tiresome. I am getting very tiresome. That’s because I’m always tired.

I keep telling myself that I’m going to get up an hour earlier in the morning and do a longer yoga practice, or lift some weights, or go out for a run. But I don’t. I can’t. I absolutely cannot get out of bed in the mornings. I’m sleeping right through my alarm. All. The. Time.

And I am too tired after a full day at work and running the kids to and from dance or track or whatever sport they have that day.

I was hoping this feeling would be temporary and a couple good night’s sleep and I’d be back on track. Unfortunately this seems to be lingering. I’m sure I just need to force my ass to move and do something and I’ll start having more energy again. But it seems almost impossible.

I have days that I really hate this state that I’m in; I have days where I say that I’m OK with where I’m at. But I always hate picking out my clothes for the day. Every pair of pants I have are just a tad too snug now. Sitting at work is just a bit uncomfortable. And it isn’t warm enough outside for me to start wearing dresses to work. I need temperatures in the 70s for that.

I mentioned once before that I read a lot of blogs on different subjects. Today I have seen so many “Transformation Tuesday” photos on various social media sites. One day I will get to post my own photo, but to get there I need to move. And as I’m sitting at my desk almost falling asleep sitting up, I am making a promise to myself to start tonight – even if I just take a walk around the block.

 

 

Bad Blood

Am I hurt? Yes.

Am I devastated? No. Not any longer.

Am I completely over everything? Almost.

Do I love you? No.

Do I hate you? No.

Am I bitter? You bet your white American ass I am.

When we talk (which is hardly ever anymore) you go on like nothing has changed and nothing is different. But our conversations now only last a few minutes at a time. We used to go on for hours and hours.

We’ve discussed our difference of opinions, at least I tried to discuss them with you. Foolishly, I believed that we could remain friends, obviously you don’t believe this to be true.

Time and distance has never been an issue for us, either. I still see you every day, and I know you see me, too.

I don’t know how you feel. You haven’t been that upfront with me. Maybe you just don’t feel anything. That’s fine if that is the case. But you should know, you left a hole in me, and it is closing.

Time is almost up.

Desire

I’ve been debating on what to write about here. I don’t think I’m going to go in the direction I planned on originally. I’m tired of writing about my emotions and crap.

I’m going to talk about the love/hate relationship with food and exercise instead. That’s a fun topic, right?

I love to eat. I hate to exercise.

Scratch that. I hate exercising alone. I’m the type of person who gets bored easily. So I can run, or use an elliptical or lift weights but if I’m by myself, forget it. My mind starts wandering. Big time. I need someone else with me to keep me on track. Or distract my mind from being bored so that I want to go do something else.

My friends all have an allergic reaction to exercise, or so I’m told. My husband and son have their bonding time when they run. They run faster than I do so they get annoyed if I want to go with them. Or they just run ahead of me and I end up running half the distance because I need to turn around sooner to get back to the car at the same time they do.

Now, I don’t need anyone else around when I eat, though. That’s quite a problem I have. I love food too much and exercise not enough. Eating is my go-to. Food is there for me when I’m feeling down or excited. Food never lets me down.

Until I start feeling a little too uncomfortable in my clothes. Then food has let me down big time. That’s when I start getting a little more physical and ramp up the activities again.

Maybe if I just sucked it up and focused on my runs I wouldn’t lose my form. If I didn’t lose my form then maybe my knees wouldn’t give me problems. If my knees didn’t give me problems I could run farther and longer. If I ran more, then maybe I could eat whatever my heart desired.

Low

Seriously WordPress, you give Doubt as a prompt today? That’s a loaded gun right there. My whole life is fucking doubt.

It seems I finally get one piece situated and then the sky falls somewhere else. Nothing is the end of the world really, just extremely frustrating. I am pretty angry right now, and the places that I used to go for comfort and to calm myself are no longer viable options. And I have a desk job with pretty much zero interruptions to distract me most of the time so I have about 7 more hours to sit and stew here.

I am trying not to be angry. I’m trying to just be indifferent and sometimes I am. But you know how things go, someone will say something or I’ll see something on TV and I’ll get pissed all over again. It happens. I’ve been through shit before and have gone through all the ranges of emotions and have lived.

What gets me most are all the unanswered questions and the uncertainty. I know I’m doing the right thing and have made the right decisions, it’s just the transition that I have to get through. Just like any life change it’s going to be hard, so of course I’m going to doubt myself. It’s only natural. So please bear with me while I go through this.

 

PS, I have always absolutely loved this song

My Life

I talk a lot. I say a lot of what I want to do but I don’t always follow through. I make up my mind to do something because I know it’s the right thing but I don’t always have the will power to do it. Sometimes it’s just because I don’t want to give something up and sometimes it’s just because I have too much curiosity. Whatever the reason, though, I need to grow a pair and just stick with my decision and live with it.

This morning I took a step in the right direction. I decided to take my life back. I removed temptation (at least something that is directly connected with that temptation) from my sight. It’s easier to let things go if you aren’t reminded of them on a daily basis. Today I threw that reminder in the trash, and you know what? I feel damn good about it!

I woke up and decided not to hesitate any longer. No sense in prolonging hurt feelings any longer than needed right?  It was really so much easier than I thought it would be.  It’s funny how you can wake up one day and realize that you just need to remove the drama from life, and it can be as easy as hitting the unfollow button on a social media site or two.

Sometimes you just have to say, “I don’t care what you say anymore, this is my life
Go ahead with your own life and leave me alone.”

Vacation

Vacations are not only fun and relaxing but good for the soul. Vacations can heal even the most bruised and banged up feelings.

This time away with my family was truly what I needed and the timing was perfect. This was exactly what I needed to reset and center myself.

The first hour or so on the 6 hour drive home the weather was awful. The rain came down so hard I thought it could break the windshield. Then it stopped raining and I could see beautiful clear skies down the highway.

end-of-the-road

I thought it was a perfect example of my life recently. I think I’m finally out of the storm and the skies are clear from now on.

Unfortunately once the sun went down I had too many hours inside my head with my thoughts. Things that I happily didn’t think about at all on my trip. Things that I was hoping to forget about and learn to stop thinking about while I was away. Things that I hope to not let into my head once I get back to work, when I usually think about everything.

Today will be a test for sure, but hopefully I’ll pass with flying colors. Eventually I won’t even bother asking, “Why me?”