I Will…But

Hi there. It’s been a while, hasn’t it? I’m sorry about that. I guess I just had too much going on in my head. I couldn’t turn down the volume in my head long enough to narrow anything down to one thought to write about.

Today though, today is different. Today I happened upon something that made me come to a conclusion. A conclusion that I had come to once before, but I let my needs to be wanted and liked come before my self-respect. Well, that ends today.

See, online it is so easy to be different from who you are. It is also easy to befriend so many more people than you would in real life. Personally, I’m friends with or follow almost all of my real life friends, and I’ve also picked up a few strangers along the way. After a while, I (like many people) will clean out my friends/followers and weed out the people who annoy me or I don’t interact with. I don’t block people though. I save that function for anyone who might have a very negative impact on my life. In fact, throughout all of  my social networking accounts, I think I only have 1 person blocked.

Anywho, I’ve decided that if we know each other in real life – even before social media – and you have to hide the fact that we are friends, then I don’t think I want to continue this relationship. If you have to hide the fact that we talk, that we joke, that we watch the same TV shows from your other “friends”, then there’s nothing more to say.  I am not your other woman, I am your friend. And if you have to hide that from people, if you can only talk to me through one of your alter egos, then maybe you never were my friend. So, if you choose to have a “relationship” with someone you met online rather than my real friendship with no strings attached, then I don’t want YOUR friendship.

We’ve had this discussion about hiding our friendship before, and even though I didn’t agree with your reasons (excuses) I let it go. I should have had more respect for myself right from the beginning.

The choice is yours, but it looks like you already made it when the real you clicked on block.

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Bad Blood

Am I hurt? Yes.

Am I devastated? No. Not any longer.

Am I completely over everything? Almost.

Do I love you? No.

Do I hate you? No.

Am I bitter? You bet your white American ass I am.

When we talk (which is hardly ever anymore) you go on like nothing has changed and nothing is different. But our conversations now only last a few minutes at a time. We used to go on for hours and hours.

We’ve discussed our difference of opinions, at least I tried to discuss them with you. Foolishly, I believed that we could remain friends, obviously you don’t believe this to be true.

Time and distance has never been an issue for us, either. I still see you every day, and I know you see me, too.

I don’t know how you feel. You haven’t been that upfront with me. Maybe you just don’t feel anything. That’s fine if that is the case. But you should know, you left a hole in me, and it is closing.

Time is almost up.

You Talk Too Much

Wow. I opened this page to start writing 5 hours ago and it just never happened. I don’t even remember what I was going to throw out there today.

It’s funny how I can get totally stumped about what to say on here but in life I don’t seem to have a problem. Twice in the past two days I’ve opened my mouth when I really shouldn’t have. Or really, I guess I should have, it’s just that I said something that other people didn’t want to hear.

I end up going over and over the conversation in my head (because I just can’t let things go). Much of the time I realize that if I had kept my mouth shut then probably nothing bad would’ve happened. I should start asking myself, “Is it life or death if this information is not said out loud?”  I bet that most of the time that answer would be no and I should stay quiet.  For someone who hates drama, I sure do create a lot of it! Not that I mean to, it just happens.

I’m just a drama magnet. It’s drawn to me and surrounds me like a swarm of bees. I guess the question is, how do I turn off this magnetism??

Low

Seriously WordPress, you give Doubt as a prompt today? That’s a loaded gun right there. My whole life is fucking doubt.

It seems I finally get one piece situated and then the sky falls somewhere else. Nothing is the end of the world really, just extremely frustrating. I am pretty angry right now, and the places that I used to go for comfort and to calm myself are no longer viable options. And I have a desk job with pretty much zero interruptions to distract me most of the time so I have about 7 more hours to sit and stew here.

I am trying not to be angry. I’m trying to just be indifferent and sometimes I am. But you know how things go, someone will say something or I’ll see something on TV and I’ll get pissed all over again. It happens. I’ve been through shit before and have gone through all the ranges of emotions and have lived.

What gets me most are all the unanswered questions and the uncertainty. I know I’m doing the right thing and have made the right decisions, it’s just the transition that I have to get through. Just like any life change it’s going to be hard, so of course I’m going to doubt myself. It’s only natural. So please bear with me while I go through this.

 

PS, I have always absolutely loved this song

My Life

I talk a lot. I say a lot of what I want to do but I don’t always follow through. I make up my mind to do something because I know it’s the right thing but I don’t always have the will power to do it. Sometimes it’s just because I don’t want to give something up and sometimes it’s just because I have too much curiosity. Whatever the reason, though, I need to grow a pair and just stick with my decision and live with it.

This morning I took a step in the right direction. I decided to take my life back. I removed temptation (at least something that is directly connected with that temptation) from my sight. It’s easier to let things go if you aren’t reminded of them on a daily basis. Today I threw that reminder in the trash, and you know what? I feel damn good about it!

I woke up and decided not to hesitate any longer. No sense in prolonging hurt feelings any longer than needed right?  It was really so much easier than I thought it would be.  It’s funny how you can wake up one day and realize that you just need to remove the drama from life, and it can be as easy as hitting the unfollow button on a social media site or two.

Sometimes you just have to say, “I don’t care what you say anymore, this is my life
Go ahead with your own life and leave me alone.”

Into The Groove

Well, I failed my own test yesterday. And by  writing about it today, I’m also already failing today, too.  But you know what? I’m OK with that.

Maybe it’s because I finally slept well last night. Took a nice, long, hot bath with a glass of wine and went right to sleep afterward. Maybe that’s the key. I’ll just try doing that every night. Or maybe it’s because I am realizing that I am human and humans can’t just flip a switch and turn off feelings and emotions and curiosity and … anything.

Perhaps it’s because I made myself wake up early to practice yoga this morning. I’ve had no energy or motivation lately and I’ve been skipping it every morning.  I’m glad I did it today. It really did give me a boost today. Just as my bath helped calm me last night, yoga helped get my heart to quicken

and got me moving and grooving this morning.

After a long talk with a friend yesterday I decided not to focus on the why’s or lies being told or the what if’s. I’m just taking things day by day, minute by minute. I’m going to have fun in the process.

I think I’ll have a dance party of 1 at work today.

via Daily Prompt: Quicken

Anything Could Happen

HA! Hideout is a pretty good prompt. I could go in so many directions with it today.

I could go very literal and talk about a friend to get that off my chest. Or I could speak figuratively and speak about me. OR, I could just be very mysterious and not let you know who I’m talking about.

I am in a weird spot right now. I’m happy where I am in life but still a little depressed because of just a few small  quirks. I feel like if I just tweaked a few small things life would be so much happier. Unfortunately they aren’t tweaks that I can make to myself, other people would have to be tweaked. And we all know we can’t change someone if they don’t want to be changed.

The funny thing is, there’s nothing serious I’d like to change. No one’s got a dangerous addiction I’d like them to quit (well, someone might have an addiction but it’s not life threatening). I’d just like to take people and violently shake them until they understand. It’s so frustrating when someone can’t see what’s in front of him. Hello, McFly???

I feel like I keep repeating myself: pay attention, have some respect, care a little bit.

I keep thinking that the best action would be to hide my real feelings from others. I’ve been going on thinking that that is what I’ve been doing all along when in fact I haven’t. I have spoken out and made my opinions and feelings known right from the beginning. They’ve just been ignored, which is why I’m truly frustrated.

I’ve learned that you can’t run and hide from situations just by ignoring them. You need to do something to actually stop the situation. You need to make an action. But when you have no control over a situation and have no choice but to sit and wait and not know?  Well, I don’t know. This is the part I hate.

I’m taking a few days off from work for a short trip. I’m hoping that this is what I need to reprogram my brain and stop wanting to change things. I know I need to accept things that I can’t change. I’m really trying to do just that.

via Daily Prompt: Hideout