When You Close Your Eyes

Last night I had a dream. It wasn’t a good dream, it wasn’t a nightmare. It was just a dream.

I dreamt that years ago I had an affair. It happened way in the past and we had moved on. The dream was occurring in the present day. I must have worked somewhere downtown and had to walk a few blocks to the parking lot where my car was. On the way to my car I ran into the man who I had the affair with and we walked together. My daughter (she is in her 20s) saw us walking together and ran up to me to question me. I assured her we had just been walking in the same direction and had only just run into each other.

After she left, he did mention that he had to walk home as he didn’t have a car because it was at the garage for repairs. As it was the middle of winter and freezing and snowy I agreed to give him a lift home, this one time only.

When my daughter left on her way to work, she must have called my husband because by the time I got to my car he was sitting in it waiting for me.  He was understandably upset with me and I kept calm just repeating that we were just walking to the car together as we had just ran into each other.  I told him how I offered to drive him home because the weather was so crappy and that it was a one time only deal. I asked my husband to come with while I dropped him off just so he knew for sure that there was nothing going on except for a lift.

And then I woke up.

I woke up feeling depressed and guilty.

I have no idea where this came from or why I would dream something like this. But I guess most people don’t know why they dream what they do.

I have been feeling bad this past week. Just feeling low and helpless and alone. And to wake up this way this morning did nothing to help change things around. Today is a Friday. It’s the last day before vacation. I should be excited and hyper and happy and none of those things apply right now.

Sigh.

Nothing is the end of the world. I will continue to plug away at work for another 5 1/2 hours and hopefully vacation mode will finally hit me.

Adios amigos!

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Not Over You

Songs have a strong power over me. They bring me back to certain place, a certain time.

So many songs bring me back people, usually because of listening to it together or an event we were at or whatever reason. But some songs just make me think of someone in particular because of the actual words in the song. I just don’t remember though, I FEEL it.

When Gavin DeGraw’s Not Over You first came out, I hadn’t seen you in years. But I instantly thought of you. I felt this song was specific to a once upon a time that we shared so many years earlier. And every time I heard this song I felt it. And I wondered if you felt it too, not specifically when you heard this (or any other) song, but at all.

After briefly beginning a new relationship with you, I have realized that what we had before was not what I thought it was. And I say briefly because this time was even shorter than the last, and it was completely different.

The fact is, this song does not make me feel the same as it once did. The lyrics do bring me back to a time when I felt a certain way; brings back some memories. But I have no emotional attachment any longer.

Actually, I feel…

free.

I think I’ll find someone else to listen to on Spotify today.

Safety Dance

What is it about men that they think women want a knight in shining armor?

Maybe it isn’t that they actually want to be the knight, but they want credit for doing a good deed.

Let me fill you fellas in on a little secret: we don’t care.

We especially don’t care if it was something from more than a decade ago when you thought you were coming to our rescue.

When you say, “I had to really beg my friend to give you a ride to go out with us…” that doesn’t make me think more of you. That makes me feel bad about myself. I am not going to thank you profusely for begging someone to pick me up – especially when I could have just driven myself.

And when you say, “So-and-so always said you looked like you were wearing your grandma’s clothes when you wore that brown sweater…” Again, I am not thankful to you for defending my honor, I’m feeling more insecure about myself and wondering what else was said about me.

And fellas, that stuff sticks with us. I haven’t worn that sweater in about 17 years but I still think about that outfit I wore it with and question myself about it. Now. 17 years later. As a woman almost in her 40s and not a meek 23-year-old.

And it was probably 14 years later when you even told me the story about your friend not wanting to drive me. I know your friend didn’t like me, he ignored me when we saw each other at the gas station not long after that.

Even you online friends now, you don’t need to tell me that one of your friends didn’t like something I said in a post or a tweet. We aren’t married or engaged or even dating. Your friends do not need to like me and I do not need to like them. Chances are, if they don’t like me, I already know it. You don’t need to tell me how you feel like you defended my honor somehow. I am not going to be dancing a jig to show you how appreciative I am.

Unless it is something that I actually truly need to know about for some reason. Do not tell me. It will most definitely have the opposite effect on me that you are intending. It brings me down and I will not only be less confident in myself, but I will also think less of you.

I Will…But

Hi there. It’s been a while, hasn’t it? I’m sorry about that. I guess I just had too much going on in my head. I couldn’t turn down the volume in my head long enough to narrow anything down to one thought to write about.

Today though, today is different. Today I happened upon something that made me come to a conclusion. A conclusion that I had come to once before, but I let my needs to be wanted and liked come before my self-respect. Well, that ends today.

See, online it is so easy to be different from who you are. It is also easy to befriend so many more people than you would in real life. Personally, I’m friends with or follow almost all of my real life friends, and I’ve also picked up a few strangers along the way. After a while, I (like many people) will clean out my friends/followers and weed out the people who annoy me or I don’t interact with. I don’t block people though. I save that function for anyone who might have a very negative impact on my life. In fact, throughout all of  my social networking accounts, I think I only have 1 person blocked.

Anywho, I’ve decided that if we know each other in real life – even before social media – and you have to hide the fact that we are friends, then I don’t think I want to continue this relationship. If you have to hide the fact that we talk, that we joke, that we watch the same TV shows from your other “friends”, then there’s nothing more to say.  I am not your other woman, I am your friend. And if you have to hide that from people, if you can only talk to me through one of your alter egos, then maybe you never were my friend. So, if you choose to have a “relationship” with someone you met online rather than my real friendship with no strings attached, then I don’t want YOUR friendship.

We’ve had this discussion about hiding our friendship before, and even though I didn’t agree with your reasons (excuses) I let it go. I should have had more respect for myself right from the beginning.

The choice is yours, but it looks like you already made it when the real you clicked on block.

Bad Blood

Am I hurt? Yes.

Am I devastated? No. Not any longer.

Am I completely over everything? Almost.

Do I love you? No.

Do I hate you? No.

Am I bitter? You bet your white American ass I am.

When we talk (which is hardly ever anymore) you go on like nothing has changed and nothing is different. But our conversations now only last a few minutes at a time. We used to go on for hours and hours.

We’ve discussed our difference of opinions, at least I tried to discuss them with you. Foolishly, I believed that we could remain friends, obviously you don’t believe this to be true.

Time and distance has never been an issue for us, either. I still see you every day, and I know you see me, too.

I don’t know how you feel. You haven’t been that upfront with me. Maybe you just don’t feel anything. That’s fine if that is the case. But you should know, you left a hole in me, and it is closing.

Time is almost up.

You Talk Too Much

Wow. I opened this page to start writing 5 hours ago and it just never happened. I don’t even remember what I was going to throw out there today.

It’s funny how I can get totally stumped about what to say on here but in life I don’t seem to have a problem. Twice in the past two days I’ve opened my mouth when I really shouldn’t have. Or really, I guess I should have, it’s just that I said something that other people didn’t want to hear.

I end up going over and over the conversation in my head (because I just can’t let things go). Much of the time I realize that if I had kept my mouth shut then probably nothing bad would’ve happened. I should start asking myself, “Is it life or death if this information is not said out loud?”  I bet that most of the time that answer would be no and I should stay quiet.  For someone who hates drama, I sure do create a lot of it! Not that I mean to, it just happens.

I’m just a drama magnet. It’s drawn to me and surrounds me like a swarm of bees. I guess the question is, how do I turn off this magnetism??

Low

Seriously WordPress, you give Doubt as a prompt today? That’s a loaded gun right there. My whole life is fucking doubt.

It seems I finally get one piece situated and then the sky falls somewhere else. Nothing is the end of the world really, just extremely frustrating. I am pretty angry right now, and the places that I used to go for comfort and to calm myself are no longer viable options. And I have a desk job with pretty much zero interruptions to distract me most of the time so I have about 7 more hours to sit and stew here.

I am trying not to be angry. I’m trying to just be indifferent and sometimes I am. But you know how things go, someone will say something or I’ll see something on TV and I’ll get pissed all over again. It happens. I’ve been through shit before and have gone through all the ranges of emotions and have lived.

What gets me most are all the unanswered questions and the uncertainty. I know I’m doing the right thing and have made the right decisions, it’s just the transition that I have to get through. Just like any life change it’s going to be hard, so of course I’m going to doubt myself. It’s only natural. So please bear with me while I go through this.

 

PS, I have always absolutely loved this song