I Want Your Hands On Me

I’m running off of a minimal amount of sleep right now. Darling husband has been sick and his coughing and restlessness has been waking me up at night. Last night he was called in to work and though I should’ve been able to sleep like a log since I had the whole bed to myself, I couldn’t sleep because he wasn’t there.

I was worried about the possibility that he’d have to work all night and his regular shift in the morning. He would’ve been up for more than 30 hours at that point and I was worried about him driving home.

Luckily he didn’t have to work all night and did come home to get a few hours of sleep. So that helped me get a couple of hours of sleep.

That doesn’t mean I’m not exhausted AF right now. Because I totally am! I can manage going through the day this tired, but like most people, it totally messes with my mind. My reaction time isn’t there. I tend to be a lot quieter than normal. I also daydream a lot more because I can’t concentrate on anything.

I love to read. A lot. Books, magazines, online articles, blogs. If it has a story, I’ll read it. I usually get to work a little early so I take that time to read the blogs here on WordPress. A few of them are like mine, just dumping everything that’s going on in our heads. Some of them are fictional stories. A few of them I can’t wait for the next entry to be posted. Some of them are so fucking hot that on a day like today they get me daydreaming so I’m almost too uncomfortable to be at work.

But I love these daydreams. I love hiding away in them, getting lost in them, imagining what could be if I’d just let it. If I had the person in my daydreams in front of me. A confident, strapping young man with a mouth and hands longing for me, eager for my touch. Just as eager as I am for his.

PS. I have loved this song ever since I heard it in A Nightmare on Elm Street 4. I had no idea it was Sinead O’Connor.

 

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Fairytale

I think I read too many books and watch too many movies. I give myself a false sense of reality; I want my dream world to be my reality. This only causes disappointment as I often want my relationships to mimic those in stories.

I want the man to look at me with longing. I want to know exactly what he’s thinking and feeling just by looking at his face. I want him to grab me and kiss me and not put me down.

But those are all just fairy tales I suppose. Stuff like that doesn’t happen in real life. It’s only a culture in fiction. So I won’t dwell on it.

Well, I’ll try not to dwell on it. I try not to dwell on anything, but my mind often goes where it shouldn’t. That’s just my culture. That’s my way of life.

He’s going out-of-town for the day tomorrow. Originally I was going with him. I was excited – I’d have the day to myself to explore and see whatever I wanted and we’d have all that night to ourselves. I was really looking forward to it. Then plans changed, he was told he only needed to go for the day and would be flying home that night, so I am no longer going. I told him I was disappointed that we didn’t have that time together when he asked if I was mad, he never acknowledged my response. That disappointed me even more than missing out on our time together.

I figured it would be better to go in to work than to sit at home and feel bad about a missed opportunity. But now I kind of wish I had still taken the day off. Just to be home and be lazy by myself for a few hours until kids come home from school. Yeah, I wish I had done that.

The Heart Wants What It Wants

Second Thoughts.

I feel like every day I have second thoughts. And third. And fourth.

Every day I wake up in a different frame of mind. Every night I go to bed with a completely different decision from what I woke up with.

I need to have some potentially difficult discussions, but I need the other person to be open to that discussion. I know I may not like the outcome but at least I would know where I stand. Where he stands. That is the worst part; not knowing how he feels. He says one thing, but his actions don’t always reflect that.

I know that it’s ridiculous to be jealous or upset over something that he has no control of. I know that. I think it’s more the fact that he doesn’t care why I’m upset about it. It’s just another example of how our feelings for each other are different.

There are days that I have totally made up my mind on how I’m going to be. I’m going to treat him exactly how I want him to treat me. Maybe after a little while he’ll start being that way, too. Then when the time comes I just don’t do it. For various reasons. Maybe I’m just not in the mood, or I am in the mood but he came home from work all crabby and now I’m in a bad mood. Maybe I’m just too afraid of the rejection. Maybe it’s all of it.

I hate having time alone right now. I spend too much time inside my head. More than once last week I couldn’t fall asleep because I was trying too hard not to let him know I was crying while we were lying in bed next to each other.

I should just let it go right now. We aren’t fighting or arguing with each other. He isn’t in one of his hateful moods where everything that happens is my fault or every decision I make is the wrong one. I’m just looking for a little romance. A little touch every now and again. A kiss just because. A look that says he loves me.

I should be happy with what I have, but I want more.

More

I realize that I sound like a broke record lately. I’m sorry. Feel free to skip this post if you like.

I know I can’t have everything. I don’t think I want everything. What I want is to feel loved. I want to feel like I’m worth something; like I bring some value to the world. I need to be wanted, desired. I need to feel important.

My life isn’t bad. Everyone is healthy. There’s no abuse. We can pay our bills and keep a roof over our heads and have food to eat. Honestly, I really have nothing to complain about.

But yes, I want more from him. More than he is willing to give. I don’t want the type of marriage his parents have. I want what my parents had. Unfortunately he was never able to see what they had, so he doesn’t know where it is I’m coming from. He doesn’t understand my need. He probably never will.

 

Cryin’

I told you I’m not good at making up my mind. And I also promised I wasn’t going to cry – or I would try not to at least. For the most part, I have done what I said. I consciously did not let myself cry over anything. But my subconscious didn’t hold up. I woke up in the middle of the night crying. I guess it is all but inevitable when life has you so perplexed.

I woke up from a dream, I know that much, but I only remember bits and pieces. I remember enough to know exactly what was going on but not with enough details to be able to explain it.  Honestly, I’d rather not remember them. I probably only had a few short dreams but last night it felt like I dreamt a lifetime. But I really don’t want to talk about those dreams. I’m tired of being depressed and bumming people out.

Maybe I just woke up like that because I needed to relieve some stress that has been building up recently. Maybe it had nothing to do with my dreams or anything that has been rattling inside my brain. Maybe I just really wanted to listen to Aerosmith today.

Whatever the reason is though, I wore my glasses to work today. Just in case.

Anyway, tomorrow is a new day. Heck, it’s still early enough in the day to start today again. So I think I’ll put on the Aerosmith station on Spotify and rock out a little at my desk.

Say Goodbye

Sometimes I want to be the kind of girl who walks into a bar with her girlfriends and leaves with hot guy ready to fuck.

I know, not very classy, elegant or moral by any means. But God, I so need that kind of excitement right now. That kind of passion. I need to be sitting there and feel a strangers eyes on me. Lusting and wanting me. To know someone is showing an interest in me because he wants to, not because he has to. I don’t really think it’s a lot to ask.

I have everything I need at home. Except that.

I want to flirt with a stranger. I want to do more than flirt. I want to feel his fingers brush against my skin and his warm breath as he whispers in my ear. His soft lips on my lips.

I’m not looking for a relationship, just one night.

You know what, I probably wouldn’t even go home with anyone. I just want to know that it could happen. I want to pretend that it will happen.

 

Fever

I think about this a lot, though I can’t say I’m obsessed. Yet.

Maybe I am obsessed with the thoughts. With the thoughts of the act itself.

Thoughts of an act that I cannot describe right now. An act that makes me blush thinking about it.

Making the blood rush to cheeks making me feel hot. But even though I’m hot I still get a shiver down my spine.

My body shivers and I am sweating and out of breath because that’s what you do to me.

You make me feel…