I Wish You Would

Hello.  It’s me.

I’ve not made time for writing at all lately. I’ve been wanting to, but I haven’t really had anything specific to write about. Nothing that I needed to get off my mind. I guess that is a good thing.

I feel that I am a person who needs to be inspired and motivated to do just about anything. I’m sure this is the same for most people. For instance, I had a gym membership for quite a while and while I went a few days  a week, it didn’t really help me at all. I did the bare minimum. I daydreamed. I didn’t push myself (partly because I didn’t always know what I was doing).

But this boot camp that I just finished up I actually lost weight and inches! Everyone there was so nice and friendly and helpful. We pushed each other and congratulated each other on our accomplishments. But what really made the difference for me were the two trainers. They pushed me. Hard. Sometimes I felt like throwing a weight at them. I did even tell one of them to stop talking to me. : )

But they knew I needed the push. I had the inspiration and motivation to sign up for the classes (my clothes not fitting) but I needed the motivation to push myself harder. And it worked. I had great results and I am in for the next round. I even came in third place in my class time for most percentage lost (although my brother speculated that Photoshop was used for the before/after photos, if I was going to be a fraud  I would totally make the after photo look a lot better than it does)!

You can imagine how excited I was when I found that out! So excited I wanted to scream it from the mountain tops. Or at least tell all my friends.

Speaking of friends, the whole inspiration for my writing this morning was a song (actually songs) I listened to on the radio on my way in to work. They started me thinking of a friend who isn’t really around any more. I had tried to start slowly by just sending a text to say hello (we used to text each other 24/7). But the texts usually fall short and don’t last long. They actually just stop abruptly leaving me wondering why.

He has reached out a couple of times, too. But it’s always the same. Short conversations leaving me wishing for more. Wishing it was what it used to be.

I guess that happens, though.  People drift apart all the time.

I just wish you knew…

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I Will…But

Hi there. It’s been a while, hasn’t it? I’m sorry about that. I guess I just had too much going on in my head. I couldn’t turn down the volume in my head long enough to narrow anything down to one thought to write about.

Today though, today is different. Today I happened upon something that made me come to a conclusion. A conclusion that I had come to once before, but I let my needs to be wanted and liked come before my self-respect. Well, that ends today.

See, online it is so easy to be different from who you are. It is also easy to befriend so many more people than you would in real life. Personally, I’m friends with or follow almost all of my real life friends, and I’ve also picked up a few strangers along the way. After a while, I (like many people) will clean out my friends/followers and weed out the people who annoy me or I don’t interact with. I don’t block people though. I save that function for anyone who might have a very negative impact on my life. In fact, throughout all of  my social networking accounts, I think I only have 1 person blocked.

Anywho, I’ve decided that if we know each other in real life – even before social media – and you have to hide the fact that we are friends, then I don’t think I want to continue this relationship. If you have to hide the fact that we talk, that we joke, that we watch the same TV shows from your other “friends”, then there’s nothing more to say.  I am not your other woman, I am your friend. And if you have to hide that from people, if you can only talk to me through one of your alter egos, then maybe you never were my friend. So, if you choose to have a “relationship” with someone you met online rather than my real friendship with no strings attached, then I don’t want YOUR friendship.

We’ve had this discussion about hiding our friendship before, and even though I didn’t agree with your reasons (excuses) I let it go. I should have had more respect for myself right from the beginning.

The choice is yours, but it looks like you already made it when the real you clicked on block.

Bad Blood

Am I hurt? Yes.

Am I devastated? No. Not any longer.

Am I completely over everything? Almost.

Do I love you? No.

Do I hate you? No.

Am I bitter? You bet your white American ass I am.

When we talk (which is hardly ever anymore) you go on like nothing has changed and nothing is different. But our conversations now only last a few minutes at a time. We used to go on for hours and hours.

We’ve discussed our difference of opinions, at least I tried to discuss them with you. Foolishly, I believed that we could remain friends, obviously you don’t believe this to be true.

Time and distance has never been an issue for us, either. I still see you every day, and I know you see me, too.

I don’t know how you feel. You haven’t been that upfront with me. Maybe you just don’t feel anything. That’s fine if that is the case. But you should know, you left a hole in me, and it is closing.

Time is almost up.

Low

Seriously WordPress, you give Doubt as a prompt today? That’s a loaded gun right there. My whole life is fucking doubt.

It seems I finally get one piece situated and then the sky falls somewhere else. Nothing is the end of the world really, just extremely frustrating. I am pretty angry right now, and the places that I used to go for comfort and to calm myself are no longer viable options. And I have a desk job with pretty much zero interruptions to distract me most of the time so I have about 7 more hours to sit and stew here.

I am trying not to be angry. I’m trying to just be indifferent and sometimes I am. But you know how things go, someone will say something or I’ll see something on TV and I’ll get pissed all over again. It happens. I’ve been through shit before and have gone through all the ranges of emotions and have lived.

What gets me most are all the unanswered questions and the uncertainty. I know I’m doing the right thing and have made the right decisions, it’s just the transition that I have to get through. Just like any life change it’s going to be hard, so of course I’m going to doubt myself. It’s only natural. So please bear with me while I go through this.

 

PS, I have always absolutely loved this song

Vacation

Vacations are not only fun and relaxing but good for the soul. Vacations can heal even the most bruised and banged up feelings.

This time away with my family was truly what I needed and the timing was perfect. This was exactly what I needed to reset and center myself.

The first hour or so on the 6 hour drive home the weather was awful. The rain came down so hard I thought it could break the windshield. Then it stopped raining and I could see beautiful clear skies down the highway.

end-of-the-road

I thought it was a perfect example of my life recently. I think I’m finally out of the storm and the skies are clear from now on.

Unfortunately once the sun went down I had too many hours inside my head with my thoughts. Things that I happily didn’t think about at all on my trip. Things that I was hoping to forget about and learn to stop thinking about while I was away. Things that I hope to not let into my head once I get back to work, when I usually think about everything.

Today will be a test for sure, but hopefully I’ll pass with flying colors. Eventually I won’t even bother asking, “Why me?”

Anything Could Happen

HA! Hideout is a pretty good prompt. I could go in so many directions with it today.

I could go very literal and talk about a friend to get that off my chest. Or I could speak figuratively and speak about me. OR, I could just be very mysterious and not let you know who I’m talking about.

I am in a weird spot right now. I’m happy where I am in life but still a little depressed because of just a few small  quirks. I feel like if I just tweaked a few small things life would be so much happier. Unfortunately they aren’t tweaks that I can make to myself, other people would have to be tweaked. And we all know we can’t change someone if they don’t want to be changed.

The funny thing is, there’s nothing serious I’d like to change. No one’s got a dangerous addiction I’d like them to quit (well, someone might have an addiction but it’s not life threatening). I’d just like to take people and violently shake them until they understand. It’s so frustrating when someone can’t see what’s in front of him. Hello, McFly???

I feel like I keep repeating myself: pay attention, have some respect, care a little bit.

I keep thinking that the best action would be to hide my real feelings from others. I’ve been going on thinking that that is what I’ve been doing all along when in fact I haven’t. I have spoken out and made my opinions and feelings known right from the beginning. They’ve just been ignored, which is why I’m truly frustrated.

I’ve learned that you can’t run and hide from situations just by ignoring them. You need to do something to actually stop the situation. You need to make an action. But when you have no control over a situation and have no choice but to sit and wait and not know?  Well, I don’t know. This is the part I hate.

I’m taking a few days off from work for a short trip. I’m hoping that this is what I need to reprogram my brain and stop wanting to change things. I know I need to accept things that I can’t change. I’m really trying to do just that.

via Daily Prompt: Hideout

Where the Green Grass Grows

Life should be simple, don’t you think?

I mean, when I need something it should be available.

If I need something at work, my boss should be right there with the answer. If I need something at home, my husband should be right there. My kids should answer at first call.

Life isn’t simple, though. We all know that. It’s unfortunate but true.

But is it really unfortunate? Simplicity takes out any adventure. It limits experiences. It limits the mistakes that might be made but it also limits learning from those mistakes.

I’m a very simple person. I don’t like drama. I don’t like confrontation. I like peaceful. I like knowledge. I like knowing why something is or isn’t happening. I want to know the “why” behind something. So if you stop doing something you’ve done on a daily basis, I want to know why. I’m not being nosy. I’m trying to understand. Because I like to be simple and happy like my life void of chaos. Not knowing is chaotic to me.

via Daily Prompt: Simple