I Wish You Would

Hello.  It’s me.

I’ve not made time for writing at all lately. I’ve been wanting to, but I haven’t really had anything specific to write about. Nothing that I needed to get off my mind. I guess that is a good thing.

I feel that I am a person who needs to be inspired and motivated to do just about anything. I’m sure this is the same for most people. For instance, I had a gym membership for quite a while and while I went a few days  a week, it didn’t really help me at all. I did the bare minimum. I daydreamed. I didn’t push myself (partly because I didn’t always know what I was doing).

But this boot camp that I just finished up I actually lost weight and inches! Everyone there was so nice and friendly and helpful. We pushed each other and congratulated each other on our accomplishments. But what really made the difference for me were the two trainers. They pushed me. Hard. Sometimes I felt like throwing a weight at them. I did even tell one of them to stop talking to me. : )

But they knew I needed the push. I had the inspiration and motivation to sign up for the classes (my clothes not fitting) but I needed the motivation to push myself harder. And it worked. I had great results and I am in for the next round. I even came in third place in my class time for most percentage lost (although my brother speculated that Photoshop was used for the before/after photos, if I was going to be a fraud  I would totally make the after photo look a lot better than it does)!

You can imagine how excited I was when I found that out! So excited I wanted to scream it from the mountain tops. Or at least tell all my friends.

Speaking of friends, the whole inspiration for my writing this morning was a song (actually songs) I listened to on the radio on my way in to work. They started me thinking of a friend who isn’t really around any more. I had tried to start slowly by just sending a text to say hello (we used to text each other 24/7). But the texts usually fall short and don’t last long. They actually just stop abruptly leaving me wondering why.

He has reached out a couple of times, too. But it’s always the same. Short conversations leaving me wishing for more. Wishing it was what it used to be.

I guess that happens, though.  People drift apart all the time.

I just wish you knew…

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Alive

Ten

The word ten makes me think of Pearl Jam. In fact, the album Ten is probably one of my favorite albums.

Pearl Jam has always been one of my favorite bands. Though I have to admit I enjoy their earliest albums to anything they’ve done more recently. I can say that about a lot of music, though. Maybe it just reminds me of easier times or my childhood. Maybe it’s just because it was better than some of the music put out now. Maybe it’s a little of both.

I miss the times when all I had to worry about was music. I miss being able to focus everything I had on listening to a melody and getting lost in it. I wish I could do that now. Forget about everything else that is going on or that needs to be done and just sit in my room and listen to records (or CDs or just a playlist on my phone). The point is, I can’t shut life out and get lost in myself anymore.

I think that’s something I need very badly. I need some time to just get lost in myself and not worry about what’s supposed to happen next or where I’m supposed to be or even where I am now! I don’t want to worry about what eating that piece of cake is going to do to me and I don’t want to worry about feeling guilty when I say, “Oh well, tasted great!”

I want to go back to the time when I did what I wanted when I wanted and no one judged. and if they did, I didn’t give a fuck.

Cryin’

I told you I’m not good at making up my mind. And I also promised I wasn’t going to cry – or I would try not to at least. For the most part, I have done what I said. I consciously did not let myself cry over anything. But my subconscious didn’t hold up. I woke up in the middle of the night crying. I guess it is all but inevitable when life has you so perplexed.

I woke up from a dream, I know that much, but I only remember bits and pieces. I remember enough to know exactly what was going on but not with enough details to be able to explain it.  Honestly, I’d rather not remember them. I probably only had a few short dreams but last night it felt like I dreamt a lifetime. But I really don’t want to talk about those dreams. I’m tired of being depressed and bumming people out.

Maybe I just woke up like that because I needed to relieve some stress that has been building up recently. Maybe it had nothing to do with my dreams or anything that has been rattling inside my brain. Maybe I just really wanted to listen to Aerosmith today.

Whatever the reason is though, I wore my glasses to work today. Just in case.

Anyway, tomorrow is a new day. Heck, it’s still early enough in the day to start today again. So I think I’ll put on the Aerosmith station on Spotify and rock out a little at my desk.

Firework

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag drifting through the wind, wanting to start again?

Yeah, me too.

When the song Firework first came out, I remember driving my daughter and her friends to dance and they couldn’t stop laughing and making fun of that line. Fourteen year old girls didn’t quite understand the meaning behind it. But I did. I still listen to this song and think about these lyrics. I know there is more to me. I just have to find that spark.

I have made a huge life change this year, though. That has definitely helped me tread the ocean water a bit easier. But I’m not there yet.  I can see the shoreline, I just need to reach it. I just need a little help getting there.

It is happening though. As slow as the swim is, I am getting there. Although I am tired and achy, I am getting a little stronger with each stroke.

Loud Music

The one thing in life that I could never, ever do without is music. Music has seen me on my worst days and my best. Music has been there to get me through deaths, births, weddings, and tragedies. It gets me through the day at work,  when I’m at home cleaning and through 3 mile runs. Music holds memories and brings them back to the forefront, whether I want them there or not.

I will hear a song and suddenly I’m little again, watching MTV in my living room, dancing without a care. Or I’m just sitting on my couch in the days after my dad died. I giggle at Barenaked Ladies thinking about my mom gasping at some of their lyrics. I smile thinking of sitting on a street curb eating ice cream with old friends. I cry at songs that bring me back to times when my husband and I fought all the time and thought my marriage was ending.

I think that’s normal for most people. But is it weird when you hear a song and it reminds you of a person who has absolutely no connection to that song? Every now and then a song will come out and it brings memories of a time long past or a person who I haven’t seen in years. That always makes me wonder when that happens. Why would a song bring thoughts about someone or something that I haven’t thought about in so long? Is there a reason? Is there something I’m not seeing and should be?

It also makes me wonder if I’m really even living in the physical world or if I’m still living in my dream world. My own world of “would haves or could haves.”

I think I am mostly in my own fantasy world.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that. I like it there. Listening to my music with nothing but my own thoughts and memories. Music is my escape.