Place In This World

Just a short year and a half ago my life was so full. I worked full-time while going to school and raising four kids. When I say my life was full, I don’t necessarily mean in a spiritual way, I mean completely filled without a second to spare. Worked all day, went to classes a couple of days a week, drove kids to hockey, dance, religion classes, soccer, worked on my own homework as well as try to help kids with theirs. I kept time for family things so that no one felt neglected at all. Trying to schedule doctor appointments and haircuts was next to impossible.  Friends would get mad that I couldn’t go out after work and I’ve lost a couple along the way.

But I did it. I did it with a smile. That was my life.

Fast forward to now.

I’ve graduated. One less thing off my plate.

My oldest son had to give up hockey due to injury. That freed up some of my time as well.

My daughter’s dance schedule has changed so she will dance fewer days each week next season (just had the end of year recital so we’re off for the summer).

All the kids’ soccer games are on Wednesdays and Fridays.

Right now, there are only 2 days each week that I have to be out running around after work. As much as I love having this extra time, I kind of hate it.

I feel like I’ve lost purpose in my life.  I feel like there’s a hole somewhere.

I tried getting back into running–I was always good at it. But it’s been years since I’ve been really good and now knee issues have me taking a slow and steady path. I know that’s nothing to be ashamed of, but it feels like failing.

Most of my friends are more into hanging at a bar than doing anything remotely physical, which I don’t mind once in a while, I just don’t want beer to be the only reason we go out. The other half of my friends all have small kids, and they basically don’t want to leave their kids, even for a short while.

I am lost right now. I need to find myself again. I love my family more than anything else, but I need my own identity. I don’t want to just be known as so-and-so’s mom.  I want to be me.

But who am I?

 

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I Just Called to Say I Love You

Despite not sleeping great last night, I woke up in a pretty great mood. 

See, I was having lunch with two old friends (at one point in our lives I was more than friends with each of them). It was just a fun, crazy, conversational lunch. We weren’t in a restaurant but more like a cafeteria. In fact, it reminded me of my hysterically fun lunches with my work girls, except with a couple of old school buds.

No, I wasn’t really having lunch with them, I was only dreaming about it. Sigh.

In real life, I’m still friends with both of them, though I haven’t seen either of them in person since, probably our confirmations. We’re only connected through social media.  

Anyway, I am fully aware that I may be holding my relationships with them a little closer to heart than either of them does. Within the past 6 months or so they’ve both helped me out tremendously but I don’t think either of them realize it, or even how much. Just talking things out with them through texts, or silly tweets and messages has totally turned my bad moods around at times. Not to mention that I have actually asked a favor of one of them, and he came through without question or judgement. 

Like I said, I don’t think either of them knows exactly how much they mean to me. I’m not a mushy, feely person and I’m not good at being sentimental at all. I would never know how to say this to your face guys but I hope you know — I love you.  

What I Am

I cried this weekend, like I usually do at this time every year, for the past 20 years or so. Though for the past 2 years or so I’ve had another reason to cry. This past week was the anniversaries of the deaths of both my parents and my uncle. It’s weird how those dates worked out. I started to joke that as long as I can get through the month of May the rest of the year be a cake-walk. But the past two years this past weekend always had another sting to it because it was a big graduation weekend. If I had gone to school full-time I would have graduated two years ago. But this year I cried happy tears because I did graduate.

I am done. I have finally graduated. Six years. And no, I’m not a doctor. I’m just a regular person with a regular degree in communications. But it took me for-ev-er. I am definitely a happier person since graduation two days ago.

I worked full-time the entire time I was in school. That didn’t leave me much time to join any clubs or even stick around after any classes to chat with people, so unlike most college students, I don’t think I will have life-long college BFFs. But I did make a few friends and I am sad because I have a feeling that I won’t see much of them now. And I regret that I did not stick around after the ceremony to hug anyone or say see ya later (I had a monster sinus/migraine all weekend). I don’t think that any of them will read this but I hope that our paths do cross in the future. You helped me get through it even though you had no idea you were doing it. One person in particular made this last year a more interesting year which made it go by uber fast. I really hope that we do keep in touch, I love our conversations. 😉

People keep asking what I’m going to do with all my free time. The truth is I don’t feel like I’m going to have any more free time. I did school work while waiting in the car for girls to get out of dance class and in hockey rinks waiting for games to start and late at night while everyone else was fast asleep. If anything, I’ll at least be able to go to bed at a reasonable hour, though I do think it will take some time to get used to. If anyone wants to chat at night, I’m sure I’ll be up. Old habits are hard to break, you know.

Happy

Words are strong. They have power. People who know how to use words are heavily armed and definitely use words to their advantage.

I’m surrounded by a whole wealth of negativity at work. Everyone is out for him or herself and will step on anyone to stay on top. Quite honestly it is a pretty depressing and frustrating environment lately.
It’s so strange how words can lift you up so or drag you down so easily. I don’t think I realized just how far down I had been until Monday. Monday is when my first two assignments were returned to me from my journalism class.

Encouragement. Praise. Motivation. Three words that I am not used to hearing directed toward me. Naturally then whenever I do hear any words of encouragement I am going to revel in it for as long as I can. I am still on my high, two days later. I find it amazing how just a little bit of recognition can alter one’s entire attitude. I’m so used to being corrected constantly, having everything wrong, and every flaw pointed out to me. When my instructor gave me my papers back and kept me after class to talk to me about them I wasn’t sure how to even react. When she said that my very first assignment for this class, an assignment that was handed out to us before we really had any lessons or even met her, was a good paper and I should expand on it and write more–well I was ecstatic. Someone was actually giving me words of encouragement! I felt surprised at first, and then I felt empowered. I felt…happy. My whole outlook had changed; suddenly I had a renewed confidence in myself. For the first time in over a year I had confidence, not just in this class but in myself. I was able to carry over this feeling into work the next day as well. I was a little happier, my day went by fast, I didn’t feel too annoyed when asked to do silly little mundane tasks that people should be doing for themselves. I even slept for the entire night two nights in a row. That is not an easy task!

Well, I’m going to start out today with this new found confidence. I hear that moods can be contagious. Let’s see if I can change someone else’s frown upside down today.