Anything Could Happen

HA! Hideout is a pretty good prompt. I could go in so many directions with it today.

I could go very literal and talk about a friend to get that off my chest. Or I could speak figuratively and speak about me. OR, I could just be very mysterious and not let you know who I’m talking about.

I am in a weird spot right now. I’m happy where I am in life but still a little depressed because of just a few small  quirks. I feel like if I just tweaked a few small things life would be so much happier. Unfortunately they aren’t tweaks that I can make to myself, other people would have to be tweaked. And we all know we can’t change someone if they don’t want to be changed.

The funny thing is, there’s nothing serious I’d like to change. No one’s got a dangerous addiction I’d like them to quit (well, someone might have an addiction but it’s not life threatening). I’d just like to take people and violently shake them until they understand. It’s so frustrating when someone can’t see what’s in front of him. Hello, McFly???

I feel like I keep repeating myself: pay attention, have some respect, care a little bit.

I keep thinking that the best action would be to hide my real feelings from others. I’ve been going on thinking that that is what I’ve been doing all along when in fact I haven’t. I have spoken out and made my opinions and feelings known right from the beginning. They’ve just been ignored, which is why I’m truly frustrated.

I’ve learned that you can’t run and hide from situations just by ignoring them. You need to do something to actually stop the situation. You need to make an action. But when you have no control over a situation and have no choice but to sit and wait and not know?  Well, I don’t know. This is the part I hate.

I’m taking a few days off from work for a short trip. I’m hoping that this is what I need to reprogram my brain and stop wanting to change things. I know I need to accept things that I can’t change. I’m really trying to do just that.

via Daily Prompt: Hideout

Advertisements

Runnin’ Down A Dream

I am going to take this daily prompt quite literally this time. It’s quite good timing actually since I’ve been slowly and quietly preparing to train for a half marathon.

Running really hasn’t been my thing since high school. I had three surgeries on my left knee in my 20s and the last one was quite a doozie. I couldn’t put any weight on it for 3 months. I could only start very limited and low endurance exercise after 6 months and couldn’t get back to “normal” activity really for a year. I was 28 when I had this surgery and became very used to a lazy lifestyle during this year. I was so afraid of having to have another surgery that I just didn’t do any real exercise and gained about 20 or so pounds pretty quickly.

Until one day years later when my husband was in the ER with kidney stones.  He lost around 15 pounds in 2 weeks before having surgery for them. That kickstarted both of us to try to eat better and take better care of our bodies. He started running and doing 5Ks but I was still afraid of hurting my knee so I just hung out at the strength machines at the gym and taking walks in the neighborhood.

I decided to bite the bullet and take a chance. I started training for my first 5K about 2 years ago as my husband was training for his first half marathon. I was slow but I finished my first, then my second and third race. My husband fractured his heel during the half which sidelined him the rest of the summer.

I became lazy again over the winter, not wanting to run outside in the snow and cold and getting bored on the treadmill.

Fast forward to last spring. I started running outside again. Joy! Until one day I started feeling pain in my right knee. GASP!

Doctor ordered x-rays and MRI which both showed nothing. I went to physical therapy to help loosen up my IT band, my hip and strengthen my knee. Even after the completion of all this I still had the pain. I tried Cortisone shot in my knee and the pain is still there when I run.

My husband keeps telling me to give up trying to run, stick with practicing yoga or something that is easier on my knees.

I started doing the free yoga classes in the park during the summer months and then started following some YouTube channels and I practice yoga for about a half hour every morning in my family room. I really do enjoy it but it isn’t helping take any weight off and I don’t get that high like I do after a run.

So anyway, a few months ago I started getting the itch to really run again. I had started on the treadmill and I’d run about a mile before my knee started hurting. I really don’t push too hard. I’ll run until I start hurting then walk. I “ran” an 8K on Thanksgiving and was in a lot of pain for two days. Again I got the “stick to yoga” talk.

I don’t want to just stick to yoga. We joined our local YMCA a couple of weeks ago so we could use the gym and the kids could go and train during their sports off-seasons. I’ve been utilizing the elliptical mostly because it’s a little easier on my knees. They do have a couple of yoga classes, but it is a slow, meditative practice rather than the power yoga classes that got me hooked over the summer.

So anyway, to close out this little story about nothing, I’m secretly training for a half-marathon. I just haven’t told anyone (husband) because he doesn’t know how to be a positive supporter and I don’t need any negative thoughts because it’s too easy for me to get discouraged.

Smile

I feel like I ran into a brick wall yesterday.

I found a blog last week that really captured my interest. The whole blog comes from a point of view that you don’t really get much insight on. I’m so interested in it because I’ve been in the very same situation and didn’t have anyone to talk it out with at the time it happened. I had to deal with it and heal all on my own. It was very painful and very slow. I admire this writer’s bravery for putting his story out there. Something that I haven’t been able to do, even now 13 years later.

I’m starting from the beginning with his story. So the events and emotions he’s sharing are about a year and a half to two years in the past. I’d like to make up to his present day posts before I comment on any of them, as I know how drastically feelings and circumstances can change in that time frame.

He talks so much about his wife and how much he loves her. How he’s trying so hard to make her happy. It’s been opening up a whole slew of hidden emotions for me. Emotions that I haven’t felt in many, many years and present emotions that I’ve been trying to sort through for a while now.

I keep thinking of how content we’ve been at home lately. Happy, even. But then I try for just a little something more and I hit a road block.

Why?

Is there no longer an attraction to me?  I haven’t really tried flirting at all lately. He’s made it clear that he doesn’t want that. But I can’t just flick a switch and be turned on like he can. I need to lead up to it, or else I get nothing out of it (if you know what I mean). More often than not, lately I feel like we are housemates with benefits. I mean there’s so little physical contact between us besides sex. And it always feels so rushed because we’re usually trying to fit it in between running the kids places or right before we go to sleep.

He’s going out-of-town at the end of the month. Originally he was spending the night there and I was going to go with him. I was so looking forward to exploring a new city on my own during the day and having all that time to ourselves that night. Plans changed (and I kind of expected it) and now he’s only going up for the day. I’m not upset or angry about not going away on a trip, I’m disappointed because I’m losing that time with him. That time of just the two of us to do what we wanted, go where wanted.

He texted me at work a couple of hours after he told me and asked if I was mad. I explained I wasn’t mad, just disappointed that we didn’t have that time together. He never responded. It’s so hard to talk to him about feelings or about us because that’s what he does. He just doesn’t respond. I sent him a text on Monday, “I still can’t get rid of this headache, I think I need to have sex to get rid of it.”  Nothing. Nada. Zip.

Maybe I’m just really generalizing but, wouldn’t most husbands jump on that?

I’d really love to have a sincere conversation with him about all this but he completely shuts down and clams up. Asks me why I’m trying to start a fight.

He’s tried leaving twice before. I talked him out of it each time. I don’t know. Maybe that was selfish of me. Maybe I was just too scared to be on my own with a million kids (OK, we don’t have a million, though sometimes it feels like it). I just know that if I had let him go that I’d be over him and in the process of healing by now.

Me Party

Life has been drama free lately. Nothing to complain about. Nothing to rejoice about.

I’ve just been, living.

This is good. I’m not a fan of drama. I am mostly very easy going and laid back.

I’ve stopped worrying about the whys in life and have just been accepting everything.

It is what it is.

I still don’t have any real answers from my friend. But I’ve also stopped asking for them, too. I’m not going to worry about it anymore.

I think the difference is that I’m not worrying about anything right now. I’m not worrying about anyone else but myself. I’m being daring; I’m taking care of me, doing things for me, and worrying about my own happiness. Who cares what the world thinks, I’m having fun.

I like it like this. I am making plans with friends. I go shopping when I want to. I am watching the TV shows that I want to watch. I go up to bed early and read.

I haven’t left, I’m still home and he’s still there. We’re existing together. I’m slowly accepting that he’s changed from when we were first married and doesn’t need life to be fun and exciting any more. This is why I’m all about me lately.

I’m having a me party and I couldn’t be happier.

Unsaid

Unfinished.

Unfinished conversations.

Unfinished feelings.

Unfinished relationships.

Unfinished thoughts.

So many thoughts that are left unsaid. So many words that need to be told.

I am told that I’m becoming more and more antisocial and I probably am. It seems the more people let me down, the more I withdraw.

Is it worth it?  Depends on the day, I guess.

Forgiveness

I’ve been getting a lot of shit lately. Been hearing that I’m too generous, too soft, too…I don’t even remember what else, I forgive too easily maybe?

Maybe.

I do forgive easily sometimes. I don’t easily forget though. I hold on to things. I hold grudges. But I forgive. I give second chances. Everyone deserves a second chance. I was once given a second chance, and I remember that every day.

I don’t think it’s wrong to accept an apology and move on. People make mistakes everyday. Sometimes you just have a moment of weakness. That one moment can even escalate and snowball into something much bigger than ever expected. It happens. It sucks and other people might get hurt in the crossfire. But, if you take responsibility for your actions, accept the consequences, and genuinely feel remorse then I think you deserve the benefit of the doubt that this will be the last time you make this mistake.

I know, some people aren’t as easily swayed as I am. And just because I forgive someone, doesn’t mean I don’t get angry at them or sad or embarrassed. I still go through all those negative emotions and it does take me some time to over come them.

It’s not always fair to judge a person by one mistake. I know how it feels to be on that side of the situation. Everyone could use a break now and then, especially when you feel like you’re all alone in the world. Like there’s no one on your side.

Making someone else feel like they’re the worst person in the world isn’t going to make anything better. It just prolongs the hurt.

 

Matthew West – Forgiveness (Official Lyric Video) from matthew-west .

The One That Got Away

I don’t know what’s going on lately, but the tides are turning for sure.

My friends, relationships, are different. The two people who I’ve been most absorbed with, the most worried about, are all different. My fears are becoming reality.

One has changed due to circumstances beyond my control. In fact, it has nothing to do with me whatsoever. I was just a bystander who was impacted by the explosion. But it doesn’t change the fact that it isn’t the same and probably won’t be.

The other has changed as a result of the first. Or, at least that’s the way it seems on the outside at the moment. Honestly I think it’s been going downhill for a few months. And it hurts.

It hurts because this is who I’ve stood by through everything without judgement. Watched him make mistakes and when he wouldn’t take my advice I didn’t make him feel like an asshole for it. Which is what he’s doing to me now. He doesn’t like decisions I’m making but instead of being a friend about it he keeps on me. I heard you, but I’m still choosing to take the path on the left. Just like I know you heard me when I gave you my advice and opinions, but I didn’t put you down when you chose to ignore me.

I’m sad, too, because this is someone who I had always talked to every day. But the past few months I’d be lucky if we talked once a week. There was a definite turning point. I know exactly when it was, I just don’t know why. Perhaps one day you’ll feel like filling me in on that – if we’re still talking.