Vacation

Vacations are not only fun and relaxing but good for the soul. Vacations can heal even the most bruised and banged up feelings.

This time away with my family was truly what I needed and the timing was perfect. This was exactly what I needed to reset and center myself.

The first hour or so on the 6 hour drive home the weather was awful. The rain came down so hard I thought it could break the windshield. Then it stopped raining and I could see beautiful clear skies down the highway.

end-of-the-road

I thought it was a perfect example of my life recently. I think I’m finally out of the storm and the skies are clear from now on.

Unfortunately once the sun went down I had too many hours inside my head with my thoughts. Things that I happily didn’t think about at all on my trip. Things that I was hoping to forget about and learn to stop thinking about while I was away. Things that I hope to not let into my head once I get back to work, when I usually think about everything.

Today will be a test for sure, but hopefully I’ll pass with flying colors. Eventually I won’t even bother asking, “Why me?”

This Is The Time

So I wonder, are there really only 2 types of personalities? One type who can’t sit and relax for longer than 15 minutes and the other type who only wants to sit and do nothing?

I think not. I think there has to be an in-between because I don’t fit into either of those two categories.

Don’t get me wrong, there are days when I could sit and watch a movie or TV show marathon all day long, but I definitely do not feel guilty for doing so. That’s not to say that I would do that every day if given the chance. It would get boring pretty quickly.

I am definitely not a workaholic either. I am not lazy about doing things, but I don’t look for things to clean or fix just because all my regular household chores are done.  I won’t sacrifice time with my kids to do some meaningless task that can wait for tomorrow.

I shouldn’t have to weather a storm to decide to play with my kids or mop the kitchen floor. I’d love to not have to go to work every day so I could be home with them more, but these days that just isn’t possible. And I do like going on vacations with them and taking them out to eat once in a while. I would definitely rather hang with my family than mow the lawn or vacuum the pool, but those things need to be done. Sometimes they can be put off for a couple hours, sometimes I need to do it right away. But I just can’t put off my kids.

My family is all I have, they come first. Every time. Because you just don’t know how long you’ll have with them. I hope to have as few regrets as possible when I die.

Road To Nowhere

I know life is supposed to be a journey and we’re all just along for the ride, but where’s the destination? I feel like I’m just strapped into a car on a roller coaster. There’s a lot of ups and downs and I’m even thrown upside down once in a while.

Lately I get off of it with a headache.

I’m going through so many ups and downs.

Takabisha_roller_coaster

Work is finally on an upswing. It also helps that it’s a new job and I’ve finally been able to put my old job behind me. It was a good job but it was filled with such negative, hateful, mean people. Thankfully, I don’t have to worry about any of that now.

Home is where I can’t tell if I’m going up a hill or on the way down. Maybe I’m on a flat piece of track right now. Actually, I think I’m in a tunnel, unable to see where I’m headed. It’s a little scary.

I guess I’m alright not knowing where I’m supposed to be headed.I know wherever I end up will be great. I’ll just try to enjoy the ride a little more.

Journey

Place In This World

Just a short year and a half ago my life was so full. I worked full-time while going to school and raising four kids. When I say my life was full, I don’t necessarily mean in a spiritual way, I mean completely filled without a second to spare. Worked all day, went to classes a couple of days a week, drove kids to hockey, dance, religion classes, soccer, worked on my own homework as well as try to help kids with theirs. I kept time for family things so that no one felt neglected at all. Trying to schedule doctor appointments and haircuts was next to impossible.  Friends would get mad that I couldn’t go out after work and I’ve lost a couple along the way.

But I did it. I did it with a smile. That was my life.

Fast forward to now.

I’ve graduated. One less thing off my plate.

My oldest son had to give up hockey due to injury. That freed up some of my time as well.

My daughter’s dance schedule has changed so she will dance fewer days each week next season (just had the end of year recital so we’re off for the summer).

All the kids’ soccer games are on Wednesdays and Fridays.

Right now, there are only 2 days each week that I have to be out running around after work. As much as I love having this extra time, I kind of hate it.

I feel like I’ve lost purpose in my life.  I feel like there’s a hole somewhere.

I tried getting back into running–I was always good at it. But it’s been years since I’ve been really good and now knee issues have me taking a slow and steady path. I know that’s nothing to be ashamed of, but it feels like failing.

Most of my friends are more into hanging at a bar than doing anything remotely physical, which I don’t mind once in a while, I just don’t want beer to be the only reason we go out. The other half of my friends all have small kids, and they basically don’t want to leave their kids, even for a short while.

I am lost right now. I need to find myself again. I love my family more than anything else, but I need my own identity. I don’t want to just be known as so-and-so’s mom.  I want to be me.

But who am I?

 

Everything Old is New Again

There’s nothing like a tragedy to bring forth someone’s underlying feelings. OK, maybe it wasn’t exactly tragedy, but it was a sure blow to my economic well being, thus creating a huge amount of stress and generally bummed feelings. And since a major source of fighting between couples is finances, I expected the worse. 
To my complete surprise, the harsh words and inevitable fighting and arguing never commenced. Instead there were words of encouragement, understanding, and even flowers. 
It’s kind of hard to really describe what I’ve been truly feeling the past two weeks. There’s definitely been anger, sadness, depression, etc. but there’s also been feelings of guilt, annoyance, and yes–appreciation. 
Appreciation that although it sucked, it was just the motivation I needed to get my ass moving just a little bit harder. Appreciation for my husband who proved that actions do speak louder than words sometimes. He’s been extremely supportive and understanding. Two words that I don’t always associate with him. He even went so far as to say “I love you” last night. Not only did he say it, but he said it first! HE said it. NOT in response to me, but just to say it. I’m not sure of when the last time that happened. He still won’t cuddle–I’ve been trying. But I still have hope. 
Could this be the start of something old turning new again? Or is it going to be short lived? I guess only time will tell. 

Taken For Granted

I had so many topics to write about that I thought about this morning while showering. I finally get to sit in front of my computer to let it all out and I’m having trouble remembering the bulk of it.

I do remember thinking about how frustrated I was last night. It sucks sometimes being taken for granted all the time. ALL. THE. TIME.

At work; I think because the word “assistant” is in my title. I feel like my work load keeps becoming “dumber and dumber”.  It started out with being called in to fix any and now all computer issues. Then printer issues. Then “LeeAnn, will you print a mailing label for me, I don’t know how to do labels in my printer?” I finally drew the line at making coffee. Only because when we finally got the coffee maker delivered to our new office, the first words out of a co-worker’s mouth was, “LeeAnn, here’s the coffee, you can start making it now.”  Now, I would have no problem making the coffee since I am the first person in the office every day. But do not expect me to make it because of my title. If that’s the case, I’ll not do it just out of spite.

Same thing happens everywhere else.

I’m not a punching bag. I do not take my bad mood or any aggression out on you. Please do not take yours out on me. I will understand if you are sick or tired or just generally crabby, but I will not understand if you point those feelings directly toward me. Feeling under the weather or having everything go wrong during your day does not give you the right to be mean, overly sarcastic, and just throwing random insults toward me or anyone else.

Speaking of insults, it gets a little old hearing about all your flaws without ever hearing any compliments or anything positive. It makes a person wonder, you  know? I can take an insult once in a while, but at least even it out with something you do like about me once in a while. I’ve become such an insecure person; I hate it. I

I’m the type of person who just sits and thinks about the things that are said to me. I wonder if words that are said are true or not. I wonder how I can change or if I should change. Then after wondering for a while I start to get angry. Why should I change? People should just love me for me, and if that’s not possible then, I don’t know, I guess move on.

Well this is not what I intended to write about when I sat down here. Apparently it was something I needed to get off my chest though. Maybe next time I won’t be so negative and whiny.

The Laughing World

One of the best things in the world is probably friends. Not acquaintances; real friends. People that you can tell anything and then laugh about it. Doesn’t matter how screwed up or inappropriate the topic of conversation. Just no holds barred, crack-up, pee your pants laughing.

I am pretty lucky that I have friends like that because lord knows I love to laugh.

Unfortunately, I don’t get to see any them on a daily basis.

We are now stuck with awkward conversations over an instant message or Twitter. That’s OK though, I’ll take what I can get. I’d rather have virtual chats with them than nothing at all. And it’s fun adding a few animated gifs to enhance any stupid conversations we have. They always seem to move things to the next level.

Laugh, laugh, laugh

What I Am

I cried this weekend, like I usually do at this time every year, for the past 20 years or so. Though for the past 2 years or so I’ve had another reason to cry. This past week was the anniversaries of the deaths of both my parents and my uncle. It’s weird how those dates worked out. I started to joke that as long as I can get through the month of May the rest of the year be a cake-walk. But the past two years this past weekend always had another sting to it because it was a big graduation weekend. If I had gone to school full-time I would have graduated two years ago. But this year I cried happy tears because I did graduate.

I am done. I have finally graduated. Six years. And no, I’m not a doctor. I’m just a regular person with a regular degree in communications. But it took me for-ev-er. I am definitely a happier person since graduation two days ago.

I worked full-time the entire time I was in school. That didn’t leave me much time to join any clubs or even stick around after any classes to chat with people, so unlike most college students, I don’t think I will have life-long college BFFs. But I did make a few friends and I am sad because I have a feeling that I won’t see much of them now. And I regret that I did not stick around after the ceremony to hug anyone or say see ya later (I had a monster sinus/migraine all weekend). I don’t think that any of them will read this but I hope that our paths do cross in the future. You helped me get through it even though you had no idea you were doing it. One person in particular made this last year a more interesting year which made it go by uber fast. I really hope that we do keep in touch, I love our conversations. 😉

People keep asking what I’m going to do with all my free time. The truth is I don’t feel like I’m going to have any more free time. I did school work while waiting in the car for girls to get out of dance class and in hockey rinks waiting for games to start and late at night while everyone else was fast asleep. If anything, I’ll at least be able to go to bed at a reasonable hour, though I do think it will take some time to get used to. If anyone wants to chat at night, I’m sure I’ll be up. Old habits are hard to break, you know.

Working For The Weekend

They say if you do what you love then you’ll never work a day in your life. I really wish it was that easy.
I suppose I should consider myself lucky that I have a job. I should feel lucky that I work for a great company and we do great things. Literally life and death work. Not me personally but the doctors, surgeons and nurses. I work in a foundation office; we raise money for cancer research, patient care and programs. I love where I work. I even like my job. Unfortunate I find it very difficult to work with a select group of people. There is constant belittlement, undermining, sneaking and backstabbing. This all contributes to the sense of dread I feel when I wake up every morning. It makes me sad because if not for these attitudes and actions I would love waking up to go to work each day.
I suppose I should just let go of much of what is said to me or even what I hear people saying around me. But it’s hard. Instead of working as a team towards one goal, everyone is out for him or herself. It’s so frustrating and it’s a downer.
I truly believe that this is the reason I cannot sleep at night. I would love to have it all–a job that I love to do at a company that is great to work for and for colleagues who build you up instead of tear you down. I guess I can’t have it all though.