I’m Fat

This is getting very tiresome. I am getting very tiresome. That’s because I’m always tired.

I keep telling myself that I’m going to get up an hour earlier in the morning and do a longer yoga practice, or lift some weights, or go out for a run. But I don’t. I can’t. I absolutely cannot get out of bed in the mornings. I’m sleeping right through my alarm. All. The. Time.

And I am too tired after a full day at work and running the kids to and from dance or track or whatever sport they have that day.

I was hoping this feeling would be temporary and a couple good night’s sleep and I’d be back on track. Unfortunately this seems to be lingering. I’m sure I just need to force my ass to move and do something and I’ll start having more energy again. But it seems almost impossible.

I have days that I really hate this state that I’m in; I have days where I say that I’m OK with where I’m at. But I always hate picking out my clothes for the day. Every pair of pants I have are just a tad too snug now. Sitting at work is just a bit uncomfortable. And it isn’t warm enough outside for me to start wearing dresses to work. I need temperatures in the 70s for that.

I mentioned once before that I read a lot of blogs on different subjects. Today I have seen so many “Transformation Tuesday” photos on various social media sites. One day I will get to post my own photo, but to get there I need to move. And as I’m sitting at my desk almost falling asleep sitting up, I am making a promise to myself to start tonight – even if I just take a walk around the block.

 

 

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The Lazy Song

I’ve become lazy again. I know this  because my pants are starting to get tight. Again.

I need to perform a massive overhaul of my lifestyle. I like to sleep as late as I can in the mornings so I’ve been skipping my morning yoga almost routinely. I haven’t run in forever. After work is so hectic between getting dinner ready and taking kids to all their extra curricular activities that I just want to veg out or read on the couch when I get home. So that’s exactly what I do.

Yes, I totally know I’m making excuses. At least I can admit that. I can also admit that part of me is happy with the way I am right now. I am not “large and in charge” by any means, but I am in no way what most people would describe as the ideal shape either. I’m OK with this. I just don’t want to get any bigger so that I have to buy a new wardrobe. If I do have to buy a new one though, I’d rather be purchasing smaller sizes.

This is the mindset that I am in today. Tomorrow will most likely be a different story. It always is.

Talk to you later.

Somethin’ Bad

I’ve been called many names throughout my life. Both as a child and as an adult. Most of the time these names are unfounded and I can brush it off. Sometimes it’ll hit me hard, whether it was meant in jest or as a true insult. One word in particular that gets me is filthy.

Depending on what’s going on in my life at the time (or just how I’m feeling at that moment) there is a totally different reason it makes me feel like a piece of shit.

Recently I’ve been using that word to describe myself. Not for what you might think. Not because of anything I’ve done, but because of what I haven’t been doing. I’ve been so lazy lately and eating such crap just because it’s convenient. It’s really starting to take a toll on me.

Gone is the confidence I’ve felt in the beginning of this year. As is the strength I’ve had in the past. A lot of the people who were in my life at that time are no longer around or are different themselves. Things that bothered me then no longer bother me, they’ve been replaced with new worries.

I’ve had some emotional meltdowns between then and now. And today I feel like I’m starting to gain some of that confidence back. I’m starting to feel motivated again. I’ve been doing specific exercises to decrease (hopefully eliminate) the pain in certain areas when I run. I’ve been working on strength, and starting back up (slowly) with running. I’ve even entered an 8K on Thanksgiving morning. No, I don’t expect to run the entire way, but I have a few family members that will be walking, too.

In fact, I’m feeling so good right now that I’m looking at training plans for a half marathon. I’ll have plenty of time to train, as it isn’t until May, though that much time may back fire on me.

I may be feeling good right now, but I shouldn’t count my chickens before they’re hatched. I’m always feeling like something bad’s about to happen.

 

Beautiful Day

I’ve had very little to gripe about lately. Life has been good the past few weeks. Days have been easy to get through. Perhaps this is my transformation. Maybe I’m finally accepting that I made my bed and now it’s time to crawl under the covers and stay there for a while.

Though this stress-free life is relieving for a while, it also makes for some tough writers block.

That’s OK I guess. There’s really no need to spill every detail of my life daily. It’s way too boring, unless you’d like to hear about morning yoga sessions and when I’m too tired to wake up for them.

Confident

So lately I’ve been writing all about my own life and what seems (to me, anyway) to be the end of life as I know it. Sure, shit that I’m going through is tough and could potentially be devastating to me and my family, but it is no way the end of the world. I’m not in crisis mode or anything like that.

In fact, things are quite calm at the moment. I’m living with (dealing with?) an alternate way of life, I guess you could say.

I’ve stopped paying attention. I wait until he comes to me-for anything and everything. I don’t even text to see how his day is going anymore. It was hard at first, but I think it’s doing us both good. We’ve been together for more than half our lives so we have always done everything and gone everywhere together. I’m starting to do A LOT more on my own, and I think, I don’t know. But things are changing a little bit. I’m only going out with girlfriends, not doing anything that girls would do to get their boyfriends jealous, but I think it is getting to him a little. Not quite sure what it is, to be honest.

When we first started dating, I was very confident and self-assured. Somewhere along the way I lost my confidence. Although I didn’t need to, I always asked if it was alright with him when I made plans or bought lunch or what-have-you. I don’t do that anymore. I am not sure what the shift is, but I’m finding my confidence again.

I started practicing yoga a few weeks ago. Last week the instructor told a story about being married to an alcoholic and after she started practicing yoga regularly her confidence went up and she was able to leave her husband. Now she owns three yoga studios. That story got me thinking and made me wonder if the yoga has anything to do with my new confidence. Everyone says yoga has huge benefits both physical and mental, but you don’t always notice them right away.

Hmm, I wonder.