Live To Tell

That dreaded moment when someone asks you a specific question and you freeze, trying to think of how to answer it. You realize that there is no right or wrong answer, but you need to be careful with how much you elaborate on your response. That’s where you could get into trouble.

I’ve been getting into trouble with saying too much lately. I find that both amusing and concerning because I don’t say very much to begin with.

In fact, I struggle with telling people my thoughts at all. I go back and forth wondering if I should say anything. I want the best for people, so I don’t take these decisions lightly. If I do say something, it’s only because I truly believe the person needs to know this information. Whether it be my opinion of a friend or relationship or if they are heading down a troubling path. My best friend’s husband is not my favorite person, not even close, and I am VERY conscientious of what I share with her when she is talking about him. But not just with her. With my friends, kids, husband, coworkers…other acquaintances.

You’d be amazed at how much I actually hold back. The little bit that I do share is usually just the tip of the iceberg. I really want to say that this guy is really only using you to get close to someone else, or be careful how much you share with this girl because if EITHER of you decide to move on in a different direction for whatever reason, she is going to go psycho hose beast all over you. Not to mention she is already way too clingy and dependent on you. But I won’t say any of this. I will just be your friend, or your mom, or your whatever and when you need me. When the time comes, or if you come right out and ask me, then I will say more.

I know a big reason that I don’t say what I’m really thinking is because I don’t want people mad at me. Many times the consequences of giving advice or just talking about something results in my having to apologize for it.

So I don’t say anything unless I’m asked.

Most of my thoughts (secrets) will go with me to my grave.

 

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Missing You

Alright, so I’m coming to the conclusion that having real close friends you can count on in a pinch is a luxury.

I’m feeling pretty much on my own lately. I miss my girls I used to work with. I miss our inappropriate conversations at lunch, that would last throughout the rest of the day. I miss being inappropriate and dirty in general. We laughed so much. I miss laughing until I cry. We still get together about once a month but I feel somewhat of an outsider now. It’s different when you’re not part of the every day conversations anymore.

I also miss my long distance friends. The one I could turn to in any situation and knew I wouldn’t be judged. We talked every day without fail. We laughed at everything and everyone. But lately something has changed. Can’t put my finger on what it is, but it just feels different.  It seems harder to track him down and when we do talk, conversations seem…evasive.

I’ve never been one to really confront anyone. Not even good at opening up to my husband when it’s needed. So I haven’t really asked my friend what the deal is. I just talk when we can and when we can’t I just wonder.

I wonder and I sit and I miss him.

Taken For Granted

I had so many topics to write about that I thought about this morning while showering. I finally get to sit in front of my computer to let it all out and I’m having trouble remembering the bulk of it.

I do remember thinking about how frustrated I was last night. It sucks sometimes being taken for granted all the time. ALL. THE. TIME.

At work; I think because the word “assistant” is in my title. I feel like my work load keeps becoming “dumber and dumber”.  It started out with being called in to fix any and now all computer issues. Then printer issues. Then “LeeAnn, will you print a mailing label for me, I don’t know how to do labels in my printer?” I finally drew the line at making coffee. Only because when we finally got the coffee maker delivered to our new office, the first words out of a co-worker’s mouth was, “LeeAnn, here’s the coffee, you can start making it now.”  Now, I would have no problem making the coffee since I am the first person in the office every day. But do not expect me to make it because of my title. If that’s the case, I’ll not do it just out of spite.

Same thing happens everywhere else.

I’m not a punching bag. I do not take my bad mood or any aggression out on you. Please do not take yours out on me. I will understand if you are sick or tired or just generally crabby, but I will not understand if you point those feelings directly toward me. Feeling under the weather or having everything go wrong during your day does not give you the right to be mean, overly sarcastic, and just throwing random insults toward me or anyone else.

Speaking of insults, it gets a little old hearing about all your flaws without ever hearing any compliments or anything positive. It makes a person wonder, you  know? I can take an insult once in a while, but at least even it out with something you do like about me once in a while. I’ve become such an insecure person; I hate it. I

I’m the type of person who just sits and thinks about the things that are said to me. I wonder if words that are said are true or not. I wonder how I can change or if I should change. Then after wondering for a while I start to get angry. Why should I change? People should just love me for me, and if that’s not possible then, I don’t know, I guess move on.

Well this is not what I intended to write about when I sat down here. Apparently it was something I needed to get off my chest though. Maybe next time I won’t be so negative and whiny.

The Laughing World

One of the best things in the world is probably friends. Not acquaintances; real friends. People that you can tell anything and then laugh about it. Doesn’t matter how screwed up or inappropriate the topic of conversation. Just no holds barred, crack-up, pee your pants laughing.

I am pretty lucky that I have friends like that because lord knows I love to laugh.

Unfortunately, I don’t get to see any them on a daily basis.

We are now stuck with awkward conversations over an instant message or Twitter. That’s OK though, I’ll take what I can get. I’d rather have virtual chats with them than nothing at all. And it’s fun adding a few animated gifs to enhance any stupid conversations we have. They always seem to move things to the next level.

Laugh, laugh, laugh

Happy

Words are strong. They have power. People who know how to use words are heavily armed and definitely use words to their advantage.

I’m surrounded by a whole wealth of negativity at work. Everyone is out for him or herself and will step on anyone to stay on top. Quite honestly it is a pretty depressing and frustrating environment lately.
It’s so strange how words can lift you up so or drag you down so easily. I don’t think I realized just how far down I had been until Monday. Monday is when my first two assignments were returned to me from my journalism class.

Encouragement. Praise. Motivation. Three words that I am not used to hearing directed toward me. Naturally then whenever I do hear any words of encouragement I am going to revel in it for as long as I can. I am still on my high, two days later. I find it amazing how just a little bit of recognition can alter one’s entire attitude. I’m so used to being corrected constantly, having everything wrong, and every flaw pointed out to me. When my instructor gave me my papers back and kept me after class to talk to me about them I wasn’t sure how to even react. When she said that my very first assignment for this class, an assignment that was handed out to us before we really had any lessons or even met her, was a good paper and I should expand on it and write more–well I was ecstatic. Someone was actually giving me words of encouragement! I felt surprised at first, and then I felt empowered. I felt…happy. My whole outlook had changed; suddenly I had a renewed confidence in myself. For the first time in over a year I had confidence, not just in this class but in myself. I was able to carry over this feeling into work the next day as well. I was a little happier, my day went by fast, I didn’t feel too annoyed when asked to do silly little mundane tasks that people should be doing for themselves. I even slept for the entire night two nights in a row. That is not an easy task!

Well, I’m going to start out today with this new found confidence. I hear that moods can be contagious. Let’s see if I can change someone else’s frown upside down today.

Working For The Weekend

They say if you do what you love then you’ll never work a day in your life. I really wish it was that easy.
I suppose I should consider myself lucky that I have a job. I should feel lucky that I work for a great company and we do great things. Literally life and death work. Not me personally but the doctors, surgeons and nurses. I work in a foundation office; we raise money for cancer research, patient care and programs. I love where I work. I even like my job. Unfortunate I find it very difficult to work with a select group of people. There is constant belittlement, undermining, sneaking and backstabbing. This all contributes to the sense of dread I feel when I wake up every morning. It makes me sad because if not for these attitudes and actions I would love waking up to go to work each day.
I suppose I should just let go of much of what is said to me or even what I hear people saying around me. But it’s hard. Instead of working as a team towards one goal, everyone is out for him or herself. It’s so frustrating and it’s a downer.
I truly believe that this is the reason I cannot sleep at night. I would love to have it all–a job that I love to do at a company that is great to work for and for colleagues who build you up instead of tear you down. I guess I can’t have it all though.