Bad Blood

Am I hurt? Yes.

Am I devastated? No. Not any longer.

Am I completely over everything? Almost.

Do I love you? No.

Do I hate you? No.

Am I bitter? You bet your white American ass I am.

When we talk (which is hardly ever anymore) you go on like nothing has changed and nothing is different. But our conversations now only last a few minutes at a time. We used to go on for hours and hours.

We’ve discussed our difference of opinions, at least I tried to discuss them with you. Foolishly, I believed that we could remain friends, obviously you don’t believe this to be true.

Time and distance has never been an issue for us, either. I still see you every day, and I know you see me, too.

I don’t know how you feel. You haven’t been that upfront with me. Maybe you just don’t feel anything. That’s fine if that is the case. But you should know, you left a hole in me, and it is closing.

Time is almost up.

Low

Seriously WordPress, you give Doubt as a prompt today? That’s a loaded gun right there. My whole life is fucking doubt.

It seems I finally get one piece situated and then the sky falls somewhere else. Nothing is the end of the world really, just extremely frustrating. I am pretty angry right now, and the places that I used to go for comfort and to calm myself are no longer viable options. And I have a desk job with pretty much zero interruptions to distract me most of the time so I have about 7 more hours to sit and stew here.

I am trying not to be angry. I’m trying to just be indifferent and sometimes I am. But you know how things go, someone will say something or I’ll see something on TV and I’ll get pissed all over again. It happens. I’ve been through shit before and have gone through all the ranges of emotions and have lived.

What gets me most are all the unanswered questions and the uncertainty. I know I’m doing the right thing and have made the right decisions, it’s just the transition that I have to get through. Just like any life change it’s going to be hard, so of course I’m going to doubt myself. It’s only natural. So please bear with me while I go through this.

 

PS, I have always absolutely loved this song

My Life

I talk a lot. I say a lot of what I want to do but I don’t always follow through. I make up my mind to do something because I know it’s the right thing but I don’t always have the will power to do it. Sometimes it’s just because I don’t want to give something up and sometimes it’s just because I have too much curiosity. Whatever the reason, though, I need to grow a pair and just stick with my decision and live with it.

This morning I took a step in the right direction. I decided to take my life back. I removed temptation (at least something that is directly connected with that temptation) from my sight. It’s easier to let things go if you aren’t reminded of them on a daily basis. Today I threw that reminder in the trash, and you know what? I feel damn good about it!

I woke up and decided not to hesitate any longer. No sense in prolonging hurt feelings any longer than needed right?  It was really so much easier than I thought it would be.  It’s funny how you can wake up one day and realize that you just need to remove the drama from life, and it can be as easy as hitting the unfollow button on a social media site or two.

Sometimes you just have to say, “I don’t care what you say anymore, this is my life
Go ahead with your own life and leave me alone.”

Anything Could Happen

HA! Hideout is a pretty good prompt. I could go in so many directions with it today.

I could go very literal and talk about a friend to get that off my chest. Or I could speak figuratively and speak about me. OR, I could just be very mysterious and not let you know who I’m talking about.

I am in a weird spot right now. I’m happy where I am in life but still a little depressed because of just a few small  quirks. I feel like if I just tweaked a few small things life would be so much happier. Unfortunately they aren’t tweaks that I can make to myself, other people would have to be tweaked. And we all know we can’t change someone if they don’t want to be changed.

The funny thing is, there’s nothing serious I’d like to change. No one’s got a dangerous addiction I’d like them to quit (well, someone might have an addiction but it’s not life threatening). I’d just like to take people and violently shake them until they understand. It’s so frustrating when someone can’t see what’s in front of him. Hello, McFly???

I feel like I keep repeating myself: pay attention, have some respect, care a little bit.

I keep thinking that the best action would be to hide my real feelings from others. I’ve been going on thinking that that is what I’ve been doing all along when in fact I haven’t. I have spoken out and made my opinions and feelings known right from the beginning. They’ve just been ignored, which is why I’m truly frustrated.

I’ve learned that you can’t run and hide from situations just by ignoring them. You need to do something to actually stop the situation. You need to make an action. But when you have no control over a situation and have no choice but to sit and wait and not know?  Well, I don’t know. This is the part I hate.

I’m taking a few days off from work for a short trip. I’m hoping that this is what I need to reprogram my brain and stop wanting to change things. I know I need to accept things that I can’t change. I’m really trying to do just that.

via Daily Prompt: Hideout

Where the Green Grass Grows

Life should be simple, don’t you think?

I mean, when I need something it should be available.

If I need something at work, my boss should be right there with the answer. If I need something at home, my husband should be right there. My kids should answer at first call.

Life isn’t simple, though. We all know that. It’s unfortunate but true.

But is it really unfortunate? Simplicity takes out any adventure. It limits experiences. It limits the mistakes that might be made but it also limits learning from those mistakes.

I’m a very simple person. I don’t like drama. I don’t like confrontation. I like peaceful. I like knowledge. I like knowing why something is or isn’t happening. I want to know the “why” behind something. So if you stop doing something you’ve done on a daily basis, I want to know why. I’m not being nosy. I’m trying to understand. Because I like to be simple and happy like my life void of chaos. Not knowing is chaotic to me.

via Daily Prompt: Simple

Smile

I feel like I ran into a brick wall yesterday.

I found a blog last week that really captured my interest. The whole blog comes from a point of view that you don’t really get much insight on. I’m so interested in it because I’ve been in the very same situation and didn’t have anyone to talk it out with at the time it happened. I had to deal with it and heal all on my own. It was very painful and very slow. I admire this writer’s bravery for putting his story out there. Something that I haven’t been able to do, even now 13 years later.

I’m starting from the beginning with his story. So the events and emotions he’s sharing are about a year and a half to two years in the past. I’d like to make up to his present day posts before I comment on any of them, as I know how drastically feelings and circumstances can change in that time frame.

He talks so much about his wife and how much he loves her. How he’s trying so hard to make her happy. It’s been opening up a whole slew of hidden emotions for me. Emotions that I haven’t felt in many, many years and present emotions that I’ve been trying to sort through for a while now.

I keep thinking of how content we’ve been at home lately. Happy, even. But then I try for just a little something more and I hit a road block.

Why?

Is there no longer an attraction to me?  I haven’t really tried flirting at all lately. He’s made it clear that he doesn’t want that. But I can’t just flick a switch and be turned on like he can. I need to lead up to it, or else I get nothing out of it (if you know what I mean). More often than not, lately I feel like we are housemates with benefits. I mean there’s so little physical contact between us besides sex. And it always feels so rushed because we’re usually trying to fit it in between running the kids places or right before we go to sleep.

He’s going out-of-town at the end of the month. Originally he was spending the night there and I was going to go with him. I was so looking forward to exploring a new city on my own during the day and having all that time to ourselves that night. Plans changed (and I kind of expected it) and now he’s only going up for the day. I’m not upset or angry about not going away on a trip, I’m disappointed because I’m losing that time with him. That time of just the two of us to do what we wanted, go where wanted.

He texted me at work a couple of hours after he told me and asked if I was mad. I explained I wasn’t mad, just disappointed that we didn’t have that time together. He never responded. It’s so hard to talk to him about feelings or about us because that’s what he does. He just doesn’t respond. I sent him a text on Monday, “I still can’t get rid of this headache, I think I need to have sex to get rid of it.”  Nothing. Nada. Zip.

Maybe I’m just really generalizing but, wouldn’t most husbands jump on that?

I’d really love to have a sincere conversation with him about all this but he completely shuts down and clams up. Asks me why I’m trying to start a fight.

He’s tried leaving twice before. I talked him out of it each time. I don’t know. Maybe that was selfish of me. Maybe I was just too scared to be on my own with a million kids (OK, we don’t have a million, though sometimes it feels like it). I just know that if I had let him go that I’d be over him and in the process of healing by now.

You Really Got Me

I would love to be a fly on the wall. I would love to witness what really goes on with people. For so many people, I only see one side of them. I’d love to know their whole person.

I think that might be part of my problem lately. I want more. A lot more. I want to know more. I wan to see your whole picture.

I want to be able to do everything; to feel everything; to experience everything; to know everything; to learn everything. I want to be so much more.

I wonder if my opinions of you are accurate or not? I wonder what other people’s true impressions of me are, if they even have any?

I wonder, do you want to witness all of me as well?