I Miss My Friend

I woke up this morning in a much better mood than yesterday. Thank goodness.

I must have been thinking of all this in my sleep because I woke up with this thought: Why does anything need to change? I’m not that pissed off where we can’t just keep on as it was.

And that was that, I made up my mind.

But I am a huge asshat, and I tend to over think things. During my yoga practice this morning, though, it hit me like a brick. I said, “Whoa, hold up Lucy Lu*. Do you see anyone else wanting to keep things as they were?” The answer, unfortunately, is no. I don’t see or hear anything from anyone.  My answer can’t get any clearer than that.

And it’s fine. I said all along I wasn’t looking for any type of relationship. I’m still not. Not like what they have, or want.  But I do feel a void in my life now. Something is missing. I’ll fill it; I know I will eventually.

Keeping what we had is probably too radical an idea anyway. I think it would have been too morally confusing now. I don’t know if anyone could look at the situation in black and white, there’s so much gray area to consider.

So here I am, making up my mind, again. Perhaps because I realize I have no options, I won’t over think anything and keep this decision.

But I still miss my friend.

*The name has been changed to protect the innocent

 

 

 

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Say Goodbye

Sometimes I want to be the kind of girl who walks into a bar with her girlfriends and leaves with hot guy ready to fuck.

I know, not very classy, elegant or moral by any means. But God, I so need that kind of excitement right now. That kind of passion. I need to be sitting there and feel a strangers eyes on me. Lusting and wanting me. To know someone is showing an interest in me because he wants to, not because he has to. I don’t really think it’s a lot to ask.

I have everything I need at home. Except that.

I want to flirt with a stranger. I want to do more than flirt. I want to feel his fingers brush against my skin and his warm breath as he whispers in my ear. His soft lips on my lips.

I’m not looking for a relationship, just one night.

You know what, I probably wouldn’t even go home with anyone. I just want to know that it could happen. I want to pretend that it will happen.

 

Fever

I think about this a lot, though I can’t say I’m obsessed. Yet.

Maybe I am obsessed with the thoughts. With the thoughts of the act itself.

Thoughts of an act that I cannot describe right now. An act that makes me blush thinking about it.

Making the blood rush to cheeks making me feel hot. But even though I’m hot I still get a shiver down my spine.

My body shivers and I am sweating and out of breath because that’s what you do to me.

You make me feel…

 

Untouchable

Wow. Today’s Daily Prompt word is Forbidden.  That’s a pretty loaded word. I could write multiple posts on that word alone. Each one being something completely different from the last.

At the moment I feel like much of my life is forbidden.

I used to work with a bunch of girls who liked to have colorful conversations, they could even be described as somewhat flirtatious. I am missing those conversations where I work now.

I miss flirting. My husband doesn’t flirt. At all. He completely shuts me down. I tried sending flirty texts during the day. No response whatsoever. When I asked him about it, “What if someone looked at my phone?”  OH WELL! Then they would know you have a wife that’s interested in you. It’s not like I was sending boob pics, for crying out loud!

And at home it’s the same. The kids are around, or they have friends over or I’m watching the news or…

Again, I’m not giving him a lap dance in the middle of dinner.

There is such a lack of interest on his part and I’m craving just a little bit of flirting. Preferably with him. I married him. I love him. I want him.

That being said, I am not looking for a relationship. But I do miss the silly fun that comes with flirting with someone.  So when someone else flirts with me a little, I flirt right back.

I have made it clear that there is no chance at a relationship; I do not want one and nothing is going to happen. But I will fill that flirtatious void in my life with someone. Knowing that anything more is strictly off-limits, no matter if it is wanted down the road.

Forbidden

Freedom of Choice

I think most people have layers to them.

There is not one person on this earth who is all good or all bad. Some people may be so bad that they are plain evil, but I’m sure that they have good in them, too. Darth Vader was not completely evil. He was a good person, with good intentions until he couldn’t figure out how to overcome some of the events in his life. He didn’t know how to deal with his anger and it consumed him. It changed him.

Yes, I know I am talking about a fictional character in a fictional universe. But doesn’t it apply to us, too? Isn’t it just as easy for real people to become weak and give in to the circumstances surrounding them? I mean, if it wasn’t then everyone would have an education. Everyone would have a job. If everyone was strong then we would not be jealous of each other. We wouldn’t hate each other. We wouldn’t be so quick to judge each other.

But we do judge. Often times we judge someone on just one piece of information. Information that may have been heard second or third hand. Information that may not be correct. Information that may be correct but without knowing any facts.  There are so many circumstances that can cause a person to make any decision, whether wise or poor, and the truth is, only one person will only know all the facts surrounding it.

I will admit, I am definitely guilty. I am guilty of judging others and I am guilty of making poor choices myself. But knowing what brought about my circumstances and what helped shape my poor decisions, I try to give the benefit of the doubt before (and after) I judge anyone on their mistakes. I think most of the time we would find that a decision was not made on purpose, but because the person thought there was no other choice. Or the actions were based on emotions. Oftentimes if a person is depressed or have negative feelings about his or her life, he or she will do whatever it takes to be happy again. If this person is at a low enough point, he or she might even gravitate towards a person for happiness. I think sometimes it’s easier going to someone new or different for help instead of a spouse or mate.

That’s not to say that I think cheating on a spouse is right. But I see how it happens. I can see how a person who constantly feels alone or neglected or unloved even, would give in to the temptation of someone else who might fill that void. I think it would be easy to fall for someone new under those circumstances. Everyone wants to feel wanted and needed. If the one person who is supposed to make you feel that way for the rest of your life isn’t showing any interest in you, then it could be very hard to resist. It doesn’t matter if you are the most thoughtful and caring person in the world, you are still vulnerable.

I’m not saying to go looking to make poor decisions on purpose, or that emotions are reasons to make a bad choice and it’s OK. But I’m saying I understand the rationale behind it.

I don’t think making a poor choice makes someone a bad person.  I think it makes that person human. I think we all do things at times that we may regret down the line. Sometimes, we may make those poor choices and still not regret them later. And that doesn’t make us bad either.

It means we have many layers to us. It means we should not be defined by just one thing.

 

Just Kiss Me

I am a hopeless romantic. I love all the chick flicks and I cry uncontrollably. Sometimes I cry because the story touches my heart, other times I cry because I want that kind of love.

I watch those movies and I watch how the characters kiss. I want that. I want a good old-fashioned make out session. I want his arms around me, his hands in my hair, his lips pressed against mine so I can hardly breathe. I want to feel wanted and desired.

I’m tired of the lame, limp peck on the cheek when I go in for a kiss. Show me you love me. Show me you need me. Show me you want me. I want to know what you’re feeling just by the look in your eyes. Kiss me in a way to make other people blush and have to turn away. Give me goosebumps. Kiss me so hard that you leave me breathless and wet at the same time. Leave me shaking in anticipation for the next one. Kiss me so that I cannot wait to be alone with you.

Kiss me with passion, like you can’t get enough of me, the way you did when I knew you were in love with me.

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Loud Music

The one thing in life that I could never, ever do without is music. Music has seen me on my worst days and my best. Music has been there to get me through deaths, births, weddings, and tragedies. It gets me through the day at work,  when I’m at home cleaning and through 3 mile runs. Music holds memories and brings them back to the forefront, whether I want them there or not.

I will hear a song and suddenly I’m little again, watching MTV in my living room, dancing without a care. Or I’m just sitting on my couch in the days after my dad died. I giggle at Barenaked Ladies thinking about my mom gasping at some of their lyrics. I smile thinking of sitting on a street curb eating ice cream with old friends. I cry at songs that bring me back to times when my husband and I fought all the time and thought my marriage was ending.

I think that’s normal for most people. But is it weird when you hear a song and it reminds you of a person who has absolutely no connection to that song? Every now and then a song will come out and it brings memories of a time long past or a person who I haven’t seen in years. That always makes me wonder when that happens. Why would a song bring thoughts about someone or something that I haven’t thought about in so long? Is there a reason? Is there something I’m not seeing and should be?

It also makes me wonder if I’m really even living in the physical world or if I’m still living in my dream world. My own world of “would haves or could haves.”

I think I am mostly in my own fantasy world.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that. I like it there. Listening to my music with nothing but my own thoughts and memories. Music is my escape.