I’m Fat

This is getting very tiresome. I am getting very tiresome. That’s because I’m always tired.

I keep telling myself that I’m going to get up an hour earlier in the morning and do a longer yoga practice, or lift some weights, or go out for a run. But I don’t. I can’t. I absolutely cannot get out of bed in the mornings. I’m sleeping right through my alarm. All. The. Time.

And I am too tired after a full day at work and running the kids to and from dance or track or whatever sport they have that day.

I was hoping this feeling would be temporary and a couple good night’s sleep and I’d be back on track. Unfortunately this seems to be lingering. I’m sure I just need to force my ass to move and do something and I’ll start having more energy again. But it seems almost impossible.

I have days that I really hate this state that I’m in; I have days where I say that I’m OK with where I’m at. But I always hate picking out my clothes for the day. Every pair of pants I have are just a tad too snug now. Sitting at work is just a bit uncomfortable. And it isn’t warm enough outside for me to start wearing dresses to work. I need temperatures in the 70s for that.

I mentioned once before that I read a lot of blogs on different subjects. Today I have seen so many “Transformation Tuesday” photos on various social media sites. One day I will get to post my own photo, but to get there I need to move. And as I’m sitting at my desk almost falling asleep sitting up, I am making a promise to myself to start tonight – even if I just take a walk around the block.

 

 

The Lazy Song

I’ve become lazy again. I know this  because my pants are starting to get tight. Again.

I need to perform a massive overhaul of my lifestyle. I like to sleep as late as I can in the mornings so I’ve been skipping my morning yoga almost routinely. I haven’t run in forever. After work is so hectic between getting dinner ready and taking kids to all their extra curricular activities that I just want to veg out or read on the couch when I get home. So that’s exactly what I do.

Yes, I totally know I’m making excuses. At least I can admit that. I can also admit that part of me is happy with the way I am right now. I am not “large and in charge” by any means, but I am in no way what most people would describe as the ideal shape either. I’m OK with this. I just don’t want to get any bigger so that I have to buy a new wardrobe. If I do have to buy a new one though, I’d rather be purchasing smaller sizes.

This is the mindset that I am in today. Tomorrow will most likely be a different story. It always is.

Talk to you later.

Desire

I’ve been debating on what to write about here. I don’t think I’m going to go in the direction I planned on originally. I’m tired of writing about my emotions and crap.

I’m going to talk about the love/hate relationship with food and exercise instead. That’s a fun topic, right?

I love to eat. I hate to exercise.

Scratch that. I hate exercising alone. I’m the type of person who gets bored easily. So I can run, or use an elliptical or lift weights but if I’m by myself, forget it. My mind starts wandering. Big time. I need someone else with me to keep me on track. Or distract my mind from being bored so that I want to go do something else.

My friends all have an allergic reaction to exercise, or so I’m told. My husband and son have their bonding time when they run. They run faster than I do so they get annoyed if I want to go with them. Or they just run ahead of me and I end up running half the distance because I need to turn around sooner to get back to the car at the same time they do.

Now, I don’t need anyone else around when I eat, though. That’s quite a problem I have. I love food too much and exercise not enough. Eating is my go-to. Food is there for me when I’m feeling down or excited. Food never lets me down.

Until I start feeling a little too uncomfortable in my clothes. Then food has let me down big time. That’s when I start getting a little more physical and ramp up the activities again.

Maybe if I just sucked it up and focused on my runs I wouldn’t lose my form. If I didn’t lose my form then maybe my knees wouldn’t give me problems. If my knees didn’t give me problems I could run farther and longer. If I ran more, then maybe I could eat whatever my heart desired.

Runnin’ Down A Dream

I am going to take this daily prompt quite literally this time. It’s quite good timing actually since I’ve been slowly and quietly preparing to train for a half marathon.

Running really hasn’t been my thing since high school. I had three surgeries on my left knee in my 20s and the last one was quite a doozie. I couldn’t put any weight on it for 3 months. I could only start very limited and low endurance exercise after 6 months and couldn’t get back to “normal” activity really for a year. I was 28 when I had this surgery and became very used to a lazy lifestyle during this year. I was so afraid of having to have another surgery that I just didn’t do any real exercise and gained about 20 or so pounds pretty quickly.

Until one day years later when my husband was in the ER with kidney stones.  He lost around 15 pounds in 2 weeks before having surgery for them. That kickstarted both of us to try to eat better and take better care of our bodies. He started running and doing 5Ks but I was still afraid of hurting my knee so I just hung out at the strength machines at the gym and taking walks in the neighborhood.

I decided to bite the bullet and take a chance. I started training for my first 5K about 2 years ago as my husband was training for his first half marathon. I was slow but I finished my first, then my second and third race. My husband fractured his heel during the half which sidelined him the rest of the summer.

I became lazy again over the winter, not wanting to run outside in the snow and cold and getting bored on the treadmill.

Fast forward to last spring. I started running outside again. Joy! Until one day I started feeling pain in my right knee. GASP!

Doctor ordered x-rays and MRI which both showed nothing. I went to physical therapy to help loosen up my IT band, my hip and strengthen my knee. Even after the completion of all this I still had the pain. I tried Cortisone shot in my knee and the pain is still there when I run.

My husband keeps telling me to give up trying to run, stick with practicing yoga or something that is easier on my knees.

I started doing the free yoga classes in the park during the summer months and then started following some YouTube channels and I practice yoga for about a half hour every morning in my family room. I really do enjoy it but it isn’t helping take any weight off and I don’t get that high like I do after a run.

So anyway, a few months ago I started getting the itch to really run again. I had started on the treadmill and I’d run about a mile before my knee started hurting. I really don’t push too hard. I’ll run until I start hurting then walk. I “ran” an 8K on Thanksgiving and was in a lot of pain for two days. Again I got the “stick to yoga” talk.

I don’t want to just stick to yoga. We joined our local YMCA a couple of weeks ago so we could use the gym and the kids could go and train during their sports off-seasons. I’ve been utilizing the elliptical mostly because it’s a little easier on my knees. They do have a couple of yoga classes, but it is a slow, meditative practice rather than the power yoga classes that got me hooked over the summer.

So anyway, to close out this little story about nothing, I’m secretly training for a half-marathon. I just haven’t told anyone (husband) because he doesn’t know how to be a positive supporter and I don’t need any negative thoughts because it’s too easy for me to get discouraged.

Somethin’ Bad

I’ve been called many names throughout my life. Both as a child and as an adult. Most of the time these names are unfounded and I can brush it off. Sometimes it’ll hit me hard, whether it was meant in jest or as a true insult. One word in particular that gets me is filthy.

Depending on what’s going on in my life at the time (or just how I’m feeling at that moment) there is a totally different reason it makes me feel like a piece of shit.

Recently I’ve been using that word to describe myself. Not for what you might think. Not because of anything I’ve done, but because of what I haven’t been doing. I’ve been so lazy lately and eating such crap just because it’s convenient. It’s really starting to take a toll on me.

Gone is the confidence I’ve felt in the beginning of this year. As is the strength I’ve had in the past. A lot of the people who were in my life at that time are no longer around or are different themselves. Things that bothered me then no longer bother me, they’ve been replaced with new worries.

I’ve had some emotional meltdowns between then and now. And today I feel like I’m starting to gain some of that confidence back. I’m starting to feel motivated again. I’ve been doing specific exercises to decrease (hopefully eliminate) the pain in certain areas when I run. I’ve been working on strength, and starting back up (slowly) with running. I’ve even entered an 8K on Thanksgiving morning. No, I don’t expect to run the entire way, but I have a few family members that will be walking, too.

In fact, I’m feeling so good right now that I’m looking at training plans for a half marathon. I’ll have plenty of time to train, as it isn’t until May, though that much time may back fire on me.

I may be feeling good right now, but I shouldn’t count my chickens before they’re hatched. I’m always feeling like something bad’s about to happen.

 

Beautiful Day

I’ve had very little to gripe about lately. Life has been good the past few weeks. Days have been easy to get through. Perhaps this is my transformation. Maybe I’m finally accepting that I made my bed and now it’s time to crawl under the covers and stay there for a while.

Though this stress-free life is relieving for a while, it also makes for some tough writers block.

That’s OK I guess. There’s really no need to spill every detail of my life daily. It’s way too boring, unless you’d like to hear about morning yoga sessions and when I’m too tired to wake up for them.

Firework

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag drifting through the wind, wanting to start again?

Yeah, me too.

When the song Firework first came out, I remember driving my daughter and her friends to dance and they couldn’t stop laughing and making fun of that line. Fourteen year old girls didn’t quite understand the meaning behind it. But I did. I still listen to this song and think about these lyrics. I know there is more to me. I just have to find that spark.

I have made a huge life change this year, though. That has definitely helped me tread the ocean water a bit easier. But I’m not there yet.  I can see the shoreline, I just need to reach it. I just need a little help getting there.

It is happening though. As slow as the swim is, I am getting there. Although I am tired and achy, I am getting a little stronger with each stroke.