Hall Of Fame

This boot camp is tough. It is definitely the hardest and longest hour of my day. I’m in the middle of my fourth week and I’m proud to say I’ve gone to every class (except two when I was out-of-town). After almost 4 weeks I should be seeing some type of results, right?

Wrong.

I lost a couple of pounds after the first two weeks. The third week I gained a pound. According to my scale at home I’m staying pretty steady this week.

I am super frustrated because I’ve gone from being basically almost sedentary to up and moving around every day. After my hour-long class I’ll go for a 2-3 mile walk with my husband (if we don’t have to go grocery shopping that is). I’ve gone from eating a bowl of ice cream before bed every night to eating a bowl of plain popcorn. I’ve dramatically cut down on the amount of carbs I eat. I’m being choosy and reading labels and trying to increase my protein intake. I am drinking water all day. I’ve even swapped out my chocolate milk at dinner for a glass of water (although perhaps I should keep the chocolate milk for the calcium?).

I know it’s still early in my journey. I knew it wouldn’t be easy and nothing would happen overnight, but I feel like I should have had some type of progress by this point. I am starting to feel defeated already.

Before you say anything about the numbers on the scale, I want you to know that I’m not foggy about this type of thing. I know that muscle weighs more than fat, so it is perfectly logical that I could just be gaining muscle and losing fat. BUT, my clothes are not fitting any better. I guess the upside is that they aren’t fitting any worse, either.

Running is still hard. Leg days just about kill me. And I can’t catch my breath to save my life. I was hoping it would be a bit easier by this point. It really doesn’t feel like it is at all. I’m still sore all the time. I wake up at 2 am because my legs are killing me from my knees down. I’d love to not have to take Tylenol or ibuprofen on a daily basis.

I just want to feel like I am going through all this and will have a positive outcome at the end. I want to feel like 12 weeks of sweat and tears will be worth it in the end and not a waste of my time and money. I want to know that I won’t fail.

Sunshine, Lollipops, and Rainbows

Ah, salaam and good evening to you, worthy friend.

There’s something so satisfying about cleaning out unnecessary items, isn’t there?

I always hang on to things, “just in case” and it’s really just a waste of time and space. Just in case usually never happens, because I am just realizing this, I am going through The Purge.

I’ve actually started this process a few months ago by purging unnecessary accounts on social media. There were a lot of people who I followed who were super negative and just brought me down. Or they were just into topics and interests that I don’t really care about at this age. The kind of life they live is not the kind of life I want to live so I had to break ties. It has been a positive change.

I am continuing to purge those people from my life. Some of these people didn’t do anything or say anything wrong specifically, I am just at a different place in my life than I was. And as I do this I am moving forward. I’ve met a lot of people at boot camp who are nothing but positive energy. They are all encouraging and helpful. I don’t even know all their names yet, but they’re always there with a high-five or an encouraging smile. I even smile while I’m there dripping buckets of sweat.

I’ve complained a lot about my life in the past, but I made changes. A lot of changes. And life is much sweeter now. Sure, there will be hiccups now and again, and life won’t always be sunshine and lollipops.

Push It

So I’m kind of crapping my pants right now.

I just agreed to do a 12 week weight loss boot camp.

A friend of mine is a personal trainer and I see the pictures he posts of all the participants and their results. Every time I see new photos I think there’s no reason I couldn’t do that.

So I decided to sign up. It starts Monday. The same day my vacation starts, which is both fortunate and unfortunate. It is fortunate in that I won’t have to go to work sore and stiff my first week of getting my ass kicked. It is unfortunate because it’s my vacation. Even though I didn’t have week-long plans to go away, I still have some day trips planned. I don’t necessarily expect to change them either.

I am so lazy and out of shape right now so I am scared shitless at how hard this is going to be. It’ll be good for me though, for obvious reasons. Maybe I won’t fall asleep as soon as I sit on the couch after work. Better yet, maybe I won’t nod off while at work anymore, either!

I need this.  I definitely need this.

I Will…But

Hi there. It’s been a while, hasn’t it? I’m sorry about that. I guess I just had too much going on in my head. I couldn’t turn down the volume in my head long enough to narrow anything down to one thought to write about.

Today though, today is different. Today I happened upon something that made me come to a conclusion. A conclusion that I had come to once before, but I let my needs to be wanted and liked come before my self-respect. Well, that ends today.

See, online it is so easy to be different from who you are. It is also easy to befriend so many more people than you would in real life. Personally, I’m friends with or follow almost all of my real life friends, and I’ve also picked up a few strangers along the way. After a while, I (like many people) will clean out my friends/followers and weed out the people who annoy me or I don’t interact with. I don’t block people though. I save that function for anyone who might have a very negative impact on my life. In fact, throughout all of  my social networking accounts, I think I only have 1 person blocked.

Anywho, I’ve decided that if we know each other in real life – even before social media – and you have to hide the fact that we are friends, then I don’t think I want to continue this relationship. If you have to hide the fact that we talk, that we joke, that we watch the same TV shows from your other “friends”, then there’s nothing more to say.  I am not your other woman, I am your friend. And if you have to hide that from people, if you can only talk to me through one of your alter egos, then maybe you never were my friend. So, if you choose to have a “relationship” with someone you met online rather than my real friendship with no strings attached, then I don’t want YOUR friendship.

We’ve had this discussion about hiding our friendship before, and even though I didn’t agree with your reasons (excuses) I let it go. I should have had more respect for myself right from the beginning.

The choice is yours, but it looks like you already made it when the real you clicked on block.

I Want Your Hands On Me

I’m running off of a minimal amount of sleep right now. Darling husband has been sick and his coughing and restlessness has been waking me up at night. Last night he was called in to work and though I should’ve been able to sleep like a log since I had the whole bed to myself, I couldn’t sleep because he wasn’t there.

I was worried about the possibility that he’d have to work all night and his regular shift in the morning. He would’ve been up for more than 30 hours at that point and I was worried about him driving home.

Luckily he didn’t have to work all night and did come home to get a few hours of sleep. So that helped me get a couple of hours of sleep.

That doesn’t mean I’m not exhausted AF right now. Because I totally am! I can manage going through the day this tired, but like most people, it totally messes with my mind. My reaction time isn’t there. I tend to be a lot quieter than normal. I also daydream a lot more because I can’t concentrate on anything.

I love to read. A lot. Books, magazines, online articles, blogs. If it has a story, I’ll read it. I usually get to work a little early so I take that time to read the blogs here on WordPress. A few of them are like mine, just dumping everything that’s going on in our heads. Some of them are fictional stories. A few of them I can’t wait for the next entry to be posted. Some of them are so fucking hot that on a day like today they get me daydreaming so I’m almost too uncomfortable to be at work.

But I love these daydreams. I love hiding away in them, getting lost in them, imagining what could be if I’d just let it. If I had the person in my daydreams in front of me. A confident, strapping young man with a mouth and hands longing for me, eager for my touch. Just as eager as I am for his.

PS. I have loved this song ever since I heard it in A Nightmare on Elm Street 4. I had no idea it was Sinead O’Connor.

 

The Lazy Song

I’ve become lazy again. I know this  because my pants are starting to get tight. Again.

I need to perform a massive overhaul of my lifestyle. I like to sleep as late as I can in the mornings so I’ve been skipping my morning yoga almost routinely. I haven’t run in forever. After work is so hectic between getting dinner ready and taking kids to all their extra curricular activities that I just want to veg out or read on the couch when I get home. So that’s exactly what I do.

Yes, I totally know I’m making excuses. At least I can admit that. I can also admit that part of me is happy with the way I am right now. I am not “large and in charge” by any means, but I am in no way what most people would describe as the ideal shape either. I’m OK with this. I just don’t want to get any bigger so that I have to buy a new wardrobe. If I do have to buy a new one though, I’d rather be purchasing smaller sizes.

This is the mindset that I am in today. Tomorrow will most likely be a different story. It always is.

Talk to you later.

Talking In Your Sleep

I so slept like poop last night. Complete poop. But I guess it was fitting to have a shitty sleep (or nonsleep) since my day was not any better.

The few precious moments of sleep I did get were filled with strange dreams. The craziness in these dreams were so out there that it is way too hard to even try to explain. I do remember that they were about Disney World though, which makes sense because that’s been one topic that has been on my mind a lot lately.

That happens to me often; I dream about whatever has been taking up most of my thoughts at that time. So I’m glad that I’ve been dreaming of Disney and not everything else that’s been on my mind as of late.

When I do dream about all my issues with my friends or my family, I get so nervous that I’m going to talk in my sleep. I get very anxious sometimes that I’ll wake up my husband while I’m talking during my dreams and he’ll know all my secrets. Though, most of the time when I dream I don’t remember them or only snippets of them. Not really enough that I could explain the dream to him even if I wanted to. So at least I have that out if I ever need it.

So yes, I do have some things that I do not share with my husband. Does that make me horrible? I don’t think horrible. I believe that everyone keeps some things to themselves. Everyone. I know he keeps things from me as well. I don’t think it would be healthy for relationships if every single thing was shared between two people.

But that’s just my opinion.