King of Pain

I made a conscious decision recently to purge negative and toxic people from my life.

I even went as far as blocking them from my phone and social media accounts instead of just ignoring them. I have to tell you, that helps keep me from thinking about them tremendously. Although thoughts do still pop up – obviously.

I don’t need to rescue people from themselves. Their woe is me way of life gets tiring after a while, and I just don’t want to deal with it.

Yeah, I know that makes me sound like a bitch, but seriously, when that is all I ever hear from these people it gets so monotonous. I mean, doesn’t anything good ever happen to you? Are you ever happy? I can’t make you happy, only you can do that.

I’ve told you before, and on many occasions, that I am not the same person that I used to be, either. Back when we were real friends and were close. I am not that person. I am in  different situation. I am happy. I am confident.  I have discovered how to be my own person and not rely on other people to manage my emotions. I hope you can do the same one day.

Though I have to say that I am curious about you. I have discovered things accidentally on Facebook that I almost unblocked your number to text you about. I have questions. But I knew that would only open the door that I have padlocked shut. I don’t want to go down that road again. No amount of curiosity is worth the frustration.

So I will leave you with this, I hope you can be truly happy on your own terms. Find whatever it is that you love and stick with it. I hope you can let go of what you hold on to  and learn to live with the cards that have been dealt to you. I hope that one day you will no longer be your own king of pain.

When You Close Your Eyes

Last night I had a dream. It wasn’t a good dream, it wasn’t a nightmare. It was just a dream.

I dreamt that years ago I had an affair. It happened way in the past and we had moved on. The dream was occurring in the present day. I must have worked somewhere downtown and had to walk a few blocks to the parking lot where my car was. On the way to my car I ran into the man who I had the affair with and we walked together. My daughter (she is in her 20s) saw us walking together and ran up to me to question me. I assured her we had just been walking in the same direction and had only just run into each other.

After she left, he did mention that he had to walk home as he didn’t have a car because it was at the garage for repairs. As it was the middle of winter and freezing and snowy I agreed to give him a lift home, this one time only.

When my daughter left on her way to work, she must have called my husband because by the time I got to my car he was sitting in it waiting for me.  He was understandably upset with me and I kept calm just repeating that we were just walking to the car together as we had just ran into each other.  I told him how I offered to drive him home because the weather was so crappy and that it was a one time only deal. I asked my husband to come with while I dropped him off just so he knew for sure that there was nothing going on except for a lift.

And then I woke up.

I woke up feeling depressed and guilty.

I have no idea where this came from or why I would dream something like this. But I guess most people don’t know why they dream what they do.

I have been feeling bad this past week. Just feeling low and helpless and alone. And to wake up this way this morning did nothing to help change things around. Today is a Friday. It’s the last day before vacation. I should be excited and hyper and happy and none of those things apply right now.

Sigh.

Nothing is the end of the world. I will continue to plug away at work for another 5 1/2 hours and hopefully vacation mode will finally hit me.

Adios amigos!

I Will…But

Hi there. It’s been a while, hasn’t it? I’m sorry about that. I guess I just had too much going on in my head. I couldn’t turn down the volume in my head long enough to narrow anything down to one thought to write about.

Today though, today is different. Today I happened upon something that made me come to a conclusion. A conclusion that I had come to once before, but I let my needs to be wanted and liked come before my self-respect. Well, that ends today.

See, online it is so easy to be different from who you are. It is also easy to befriend so many more people than you would in real life. Personally, I’m friends with or follow almost all of my real life friends, and I’ve also picked up a few strangers along the way. After a while, I (like many people) will clean out my friends/followers and weed out the people who annoy me or I don’t interact with. I don’t block people though. I save that function for anyone who might have a very negative impact on my life. In fact, throughout all of  my social networking accounts, I think I only have 1 person blocked.

Anywho, I’ve decided that if we know each other in real life – even before social media – and you have to hide the fact that we are friends, then I don’t think I want to continue this relationship. If you have to hide the fact that we talk, that we joke, that we watch the same TV shows from your other “friends”, then there’s nothing more to say.  I am not your other woman, I am your friend. And if you have to hide that from people, if you can only talk to me through one of your alter egos, then maybe you never were my friend. So, if you choose to have a “relationship” with someone you met online rather than my real friendship with no strings attached, then I don’t want YOUR friendship.

We’ve had this discussion about hiding our friendship before, and even though I didn’t agree with your reasons (excuses) I let it go. I should have had more respect for myself right from the beginning.

The choice is yours, but it looks like you already made it when the real you clicked on block.

Low

Seriously WordPress, you give Doubt as a prompt today? That’s a loaded gun right there. My whole life is fucking doubt.

It seems I finally get one piece situated and then the sky falls somewhere else. Nothing is the end of the world really, just extremely frustrating. I am pretty angry right now, and the places that I used to go for comfort and to calm myself are no longer viable options. And I have a desk job with pretty much zero interruptions to distract me most of the time so I have about 7 more hours to sit and stew here.

I am trying not to be angry. I’m trying to just be indifferent and sometimes I am. But you know how things go, someone will say something or I’ll see something on TV and I’ll get pissed all over again. It happens. I’ve been through shit before and have gone through all the ranges of emotions and have lived.

What gets me most are all the unanswered questions and the uncertainty. I know I’m doing the right thing and have made the right decisions, it’s just the transition that I have to get through. Just like any life change it’s going to be hard, so of course I’m going to doubt myself. It’s only natural. So please bear with me while I go through this.

 

PS, I have always absolutely loved this song

Vacation

Vacations are not only fun and relaxing but good for the soul. Vacations can heal even the most bruised and banged up feelings.

This time away with my family was truly what I needed and the timing was perfect. This was exactly what I needed to reset and center myself.

The first hour or so on the 6 hour drive home the weather was awful. The rain came down so hard I thought it could break the windshield. Then it stopped raining and I could see beautiful clear skies down the highway.

end-of-the-road

I thought it was a perfect example of my life recently. I think I’m finally out of the storm and the skies are clear from now on.

Unfortunately once the sun went down I had too many hours inside my head with my thoughts. Things that I happily didn’t think about at all on my trip. Things that I was hoping to forget about and learn to stop thinking about while I was away. Things that I hope to not let into my head once I get back to work, when I usually think about everything.

Today will be a test for sure, but hopefully I’ll pass with flying colors. Eventually I won’t even bother asking, “Why me?”

Anything Could Happen

HA! Hideout is a pretty good prompt. I could go in so many directions with it today.

I could go very literal and talk about a friend to get that off my chest. Or I could speak figuratively and speak about me. OR, I could just be very mysterious and not let you know who I’m talking about.

I am in a weird spot right now. I’m happy where I am in life but still a little depressed because of just a few small  quirks. I feel like if I just tweaked a few small things life would be so much happier. Unfortunately they aren’t tweaks that I can make to myself, other people would have to be tweaked. And we all know we can’t change someone if they don’t want to be changed.

The funny thing is, there’s nothing serious I’d like to change. No one’s got a dangerous addiction I’d like them to quit (well, someone might have an addiction but it’s not life threatening). I’d just like to take people and violently shake them until they understand. It’s so frustrating when someone can’t see what’s in front of him. Hello, McFly???

I feel like I keep repeating myself: pay attention, have some respect, care a little bit.

I keep thinking that the best action would be to hide my real feelings from others. I’ve been going on thinking that that is what I’ve been doing all along when in fact I haven’t. I have spoken out and made my opinions and feelings known right from the beginning. They’ve just been ignored, which is why I’m truly frustrated.

I’ve learned that you can’t run and hide from situations just by ignoring them. You need to do something to actually stop the situation. You need to make an action. But when you have no control over a situation and have no choice but to sit and wait and not know?  Well, I don’t know. This is the part I hate.

I’m taking a few days off from work for a short trip. I’m hoping that this is what I need to reprogram my brain and stop wanting to change things. I know I need to accept things that I can’t change. I’m really trying to do just that.

via Daily Prompt: Hideout

Alive

Ten

The word ten makes me think of Pearl Jam. In fact, the album Ten is probably one of my favorite albums.

Pearl Jam has always been one of my favorite bands. Though I have to admit I enjoy their earliest albums to anything they’ve done more recently. I can say that about a lot of music, though. Maybe it just reminds me of easier times or my childhood. Maybe it’s just because it was better than some of the music put out now. Maybe it’s a little of both.

I miss the times when all I had to worry about was music. I miss being able to focus everything I had on listening to a melody and getting lost in it. I wish I could do that now. Forget about everything else that is going on or that needs to be done and just sit in my room and listen to records (or CDs or just a playlist on my phone). The point is, I can’t shut life out and get lost in myself anymore.

I think that’s something I need very badly. I need some time to just get lost in myself and not worry about what’s supposed to happen next or where I’m supposed to be or even where I am now! I don’t want to worry about what eating that piece of cake is going to do to me and I don’t want to worry about feeling guilty when I say, “Oh well, tasted great!”

I want to go back to the time when I did what I wanted when I wanted and no one judged. and if they did, I didn’t give a fuck.