Place In This World

Just a short year and a half ago my life was so full. I worked full-time while going to school and raising four kids. When I say my life was full, I don’t necessarily mean in a spiritual way, I mean completely filled without a second to spare. Worked all day, went to classes a couple of days a week, drove kids to hockey, dance, religion classes, soccer, worked on my own homework as well as try to help kids with theirs. I kept time for family things so that no one felt neglected at all. Trying to schedule doctor appointments and haircuts was next to impossible.  Friends would get mad that I couldn’t go out after work and I’ve lost a couple along the way.

But I did it. I did it with a smile. That was my life.

Fast forward to now.

I’ve graduated. One less thing off my plate.

My oldest son had to give up hockey due to injury. That freed up some of my time as well.

My daughter’s dance schedule has changed so she will dance fewer days each week next season (just had the end of year recital so we’re off for the summer).

All the kids’ soccer games are on Wednesdays and Fridays.

Right now, there are only 2 days each week that I have to be out running around after work. As much as I love having this extra time, I kind of hate it.

I feel like I’ve lost purpose in my life.  I feel like there’s a hole somewhere.

I tried getting back into running–I was always good at it. But it’s been years since I’ve been really good and now knee issues have me taking a slow and steady path. I know that’s nothing to be ashamed of, but it feels like failing.

Most of my friends are more into hanging at a bar than doing anything remotely physical, which I don’t mind once in a while, I just don’t want beer to be the only reason we go out. The other half of my friends all have small kids, and they basically don’t want to leave their kids, even for a short while.

I am lost right now. I need to find myself again. I love my family more than anything else, but I need my own identity. I don’t want to just be known as so-and-so’s mom.  I want to be me.

But who am I?


Fifty Mission Cap

I find that I do not have a lot of time to write, or when I do have time I cannot think of anything. Many times I have too many negative things to say so, like my mother taught me, I don’t say anything at all. This is happening a lot actually–me not saying anything at all.

I saw in the news recently a local hockey father was arrested for attacking his son’s coach for benching him during a game. Scarily enough, this happened at my kids home rink. I’m not going to lie and say that I’ve never yelled at a ref or disagreed with a call because I have. Many times. I even disagree with the coaches on occasions. But I’ve never yelled at them before, during, or after a game. I’ve never even mentioned my opinions of their on-ice decisions. This season, however, I’ve come close to pulling a coach aside after a game to ask what on God’s green earth he was thinking.

I know I am not the only parent on the team with questions for the coaching staff. Other parents have emailed and asked the coaches for line changes or different drills during practices. All to no response in return. We are now more than halfway through the season and heading into an out of town tournament. Our boys have learned very little this season and nothing at all since the very beginning of the season. In fact, I’ll even go so far as to say they’ve all, every one of them, have regressed.
I am unsure why this escapes the attention of the coach and his assistants. Many of these boys would like to go on and play for their school teams; at this point I don’t know if any one of them would be selected.

Is it possible to bring this up diplomatically, without hurt feelings or tempers flaring? Will it even make a difference? Or, is it just a moot point? Or, since I have nothing nice to say, do I not say anything at all??