Unsaid

Unfinished.

Unfinished conversations.

Unfinished feelings.

Unfinished relationships.

Unfinished thoughts.

So many thoughts that are left unsaid. So many words that need to be told.

I am told that I’m becoming more and more antisocial and I probably am. It seems the more people let me down, the more I withdraw.

Is it worth it?  Depends on the day, I guess.

Forgiveness

I’ve been getting a lot of shit lately. Been hearing that I’m too generous, too soft, too…I don’t even remember what else, I forgive too easily maybe?

Maybe.

I do forgive easily sometimes. I don’t easily forget though. I hold on to things. I hold grudges. But I forgive. I give second chances. Everyone deserves a second chance. I was once given a second chance, and I remember that every day.

I don’t think it’s wrong to accept an apology and move on. People make mistakes everyday. Sometimes you just have a moment of weakness. That one moment can even escalate and snowball into something much bigger than ever expected. It happens. It sucks and other people might get hurt in the crossfire. But, if you take responsibility for your actions, accept the consequences, and genuinely feel remorse then I think you deserve the benefit of the doubt that this will be the last time you make this mistake.

I know, some people aren’t as easily swayed as I am. And just because I forgive someone, doesn’t mean I don’t get angry at them or sad or embarrassed. I still go through all those negative emotions and it does take me some time to over come them.

It’s not always fair to judge a person by one mistake. I know how it feels to be on that side of the situation. Everyone could use a break now and then, especially when you feel like you’re all alone in the world. Like there’s no one on your side.

Making someone else feel like they’re the worst person in the world isn’t going to make anything better. It just prolongs the hurt.

 

Matthew West – Forgiveness (Official Lyric Video) from matthew-west .

The One That Got Away

I don’t know what’s going on lately, but the tides are turning for sure.

My friends, relationships, are different. The two people who I’ve been most absorbed with, the most worried about, are all different. My fears are becoming reality.

One has changed due to circumstances beyond my control. In fact, it has nothing to do with me whatsoever. I was just a bystander who was impacted by the explosion. But it doesn’t change the fact that it isn’t the same and probably won’t be.

The other has changed as a result of the first. Or, at least that’s the way it seems on the outside at the moment. Honestly I think it’s been going downhill for a few months. And it hurts.

It hurts because this is who I’ve stood by through everything without judgement. Watched him make mistakes and when he wouldn’t take my advice I didn’t make him feel like an asshole for it. Which is what he’s doing to me now. He doesn’t like decisions I’m making but instead of being a friend about it he keeps on me. I heard you, but I’m still choosing to take the path on the left. Just like I know you heard me when I gave you my advice and opinions, but I didn’t put you down when you chose to ignore me.

I’m sad, too, because this is someone who I had always talked to every day. But the past few months I’d be lucky if we talked once a week. There was a definite turning point. I know exactly when it was, I just don’t know why. Perhaps one day you’ll feel like filling me in on that – if we’re still talking.

Stronger

What is it with the Daily Prompts this week? I feel  like someone is watching me and tailoring these prompts to fit my life. Today you give me fragile?  Really?? Good lord, I could write a whole book on that right now!

I’ve always been a fragile girl. Always emotional. My feelings get hurt super easy and I cry at the drop of a hat, let alone spilled milk! But as I grew older and little (not much) more mature, I learned how to not show my feelings so much. I learned (learning) to not take everything personally. I wouldn’t say that I became stronger, I just learned how to pretend to be strong.

The past few months or so you might say I’ve had reason enough to have a breakdown. So many things happening, so many changes, so many times when I’ve wanted to just rip my hair out and hide under my sheets all day. Actually, I may have done that last one once or twice last winter. But I got out of bed the next day and kept going.

And here I am today. Whether you like it or not, I am here and I am still going. My ego, my feelings are a little bruised and battered but I still stand tall.

I want to forget a lot of what has happened most recently. Emotionally I have to. As much as I want to, and I know I will, it’s taking a little while. Slowly but surely, life is once again feeling somewhat normal.

For now, I stand up and keep going pretending to be stronger than I am.

 

Cryin’

I told you I’m not good at making up my mind. And I also promised I wasn’t going to cry – or I would try not to at least. For the most part, I have done what I said. I consciously did not let myself cry over anything. But my subconscious didn’t hold up. I woke up in the middle of the night crying. I guess it is all but inevitable when life has you so perplexed.

I woke up from a dream, I know that much, but I only remember bits and pieces. I remember enough to know exactly what was going on but not with enough details to be able to explain it.  Honestly, I’d rather not remember them. I probably only had a few short dreams but last night it felt like I dreamt a lifetime. But I really don’t want to talk about those dreams. I’m tired of being depressed and bumming people out.

Maybe I just woke up like that because I needed to relieve some stress that has been building up recently. Maybe it had nothing to do with my dreams or anything that has been rattling inside my brain. Maybe I just really wanted to listen to Aerosmith today.

Whatever the reason is though, I wore my glasses to work today. Just in case.

Anyway, tomorrow is a new day. Heck, it’s still early enough in the day to start today again. So I think I’ll put on the Aerosmith station on Spotify and rock out a little at my desk.

I Miss My Friend

I woke up this morning in a much better mood than yesterday. Thank goodness.

I must have been thinking of all this in my sleep because I woke up with this thought: Why does anything need to change? I’m not that pissed off where we can’t just keep on as it was.

And that was that, I made up my mind.

But I am a huge asshat, and I tend to over think things. During my yoga practice this morning, though, it hit me like a brick. I said, “Whoa, hold up Lucy Lu*. Do you see anyone else wanting to keep things as they were?” The answer, unfortunately, is no. I don’t see or hear anything from anyone.  My answer can’t get any clearer than that.

And it’s fine. I said all along I wasn’t looking for any type of relationship. I’m still not. Not like what they have, or want.  But I do feel a void in my life now. Something is missing. I’ll fill it; I know I will eventually.

Keeping what we had is probably too radical an idea anyway. I think it would have been too morally confusing now. I don’t know if anyone could look at the situation in black and white, there’s so much gray area to consider.

So here I am, making up my mind, again. Perhaps because I realize I have no options, I won’t over think anything and keep this decision.

But I still miss my friend.

*The name has been changed to protect the innocent

 

 

 

Take A Bow

If I thought my emotions were on a roller coaster ride before, it sure didn’t prepare me for what I went through the past 4 days or so.

I was completely numb at first. Or maybe I was in denial. I just pushed anything I was feeling away; swept it under the bed so I didn’t have to deal with it.

I had the rug pulled out from under me, the wool pulled over my eyes, completely hoodwinked and any other way you want to put it.

I have felt totally pissed, embarrassed, like a complete idiot, heartbroken, and then I stopped caring. But I never cried.  I knew I’d never see or hear from this person again so I decided to put it behind me.

Then Saturday I got the shock of my life. Turns out I wasn’t the only person fooled, this I knew, but I found out the circumstances surrounding this masquerade. Everything hit me in the gut all over again. I’ve been trying to put it all out of my mind, I’m trying hard, but I just can’t. This was part of my daily life for the better part of a year. There was a certain zing to my life.

I guess maybe I’m lucky, the only thing I lost in all this was a friend. But a friend who I talked to everyday. Or did I? I guess it wasn’t real so can I even say I lost anything? And now I have no one to talk to about this. I am totally on my own with this one. I don’t know if that’s good or bad. If I can’t talk to anyone then I don’t have to admit that this was anything more to me.

I almost cried last night thinking about that. Almost,  but I was able to hold it back. I’m doing my best to keep it that way.

I hope this is the last I write about this but there are so many thoughts and questions going through my head. I can’t make any promises, sorry.

Feed My Frankenstein

If I am totally honest, I’d have to say that my vices are many. Ice cream for one. I can’t pass up ice cream. Especially chocolate. If you want to get to me, you do it through ice cream. But I think my biggest downfall is wanting what I can’t have.

I can go for years without wanting or needing. Then one day I’ll have a small taste of something that should be off-limits and BOOM. Suddenly it’s all I think about.

My mind, my thoughts, my dreams even seem to be consumed by this one thing.

It’s just out of reach, dangling in front of me, waiting for me to grab. I’m taunted by the very fact that it exists; by the possibilities of what I could do with it; by the joy and satisfaction it could bring to me.

It is hard to concentrate on anything else and I find myself daydreaming. A lot. I have such a lust for it that my body sometimes aches. I sometimes feel that I just need to grab it and do with it what I need, if only to break this spell that it has me under. So I can feel it, taste and taste it then move on.

But what if that doesn’t work? What if I want it more?

I guess we’ll just have to find out.

Smells Like Teen Spirit

I don’t even know how I would describe this past weekend to anyone. It wasn’t bad, but at the same time it wasn’t good.

Maybe it was good, it just wasn’t great. It was a typical roller coaster ride of emotions.

I had a dull migraine all weekend, too. I am sure that played a part in my emotional well-being.

It started out on such a high. I had nothing big happening all weekend, but I was looking forward to it. Then so many little things just picked away at me. I small remark here, a little bit of attitude there. Unnecessary pokes at me that only reinforce my low self-esteem.  Like when people make jokes at your expense, thinking that they’re being funny. They really have no idea what’s going on inside my head, all while I laugh at their “joke”. I refuse to show people how they make me feel. I spent all weekend in hiding just to do that.

I’ve become an expert at hiding.

I hide my feelings. I hide my opinions. I will physically hide in another room to avoid conflict with someone.

So when friends stiff me and back out of plans we’ve had for months, I just say, “Hey, no big deal.”  I’m not going to tell her how pissed I was because this get together was all her idea. I’m not going to let her know how much time it took to clean, shop, and prepare food. I’m also not going to tell her that it was also somewhat relieving that she didn’t come because everyone is sick of her whining about the same thing day after day.

I’ll also not “start a fight” with my husband by mentioning that I was a tad disappointed when I suggested going out without the kids Saturday night for a bit and instead we took the kids out to dinner. By this point I do realize that we’ve been married so long because we have kids, but is it really that painful to spend some time just the two of us? Is it that hard to think of something to talk about?

Ugh. I just feel like I’m over and done with people in general lately. I don’t want to have to beg anyone for attention. If there’s no interest, there’s no interest. I don’t need messages, texts, emails, calls. I don’t need to be looked at or listened to. Would I like it?  Yes. Do I need it? No.

Oh well, whatever. Nevermind.

 

You Really Got Me

I would love to be a fly on the wall. I would love to witness what really goes on with people. For so many people, I only see one side of them. I’d love to know their whole person.

I think that might be part of my problem lately. I want more. A lot more. I want to know more. I wan to see your whole picture.

I want to be able to do everything; to feel everything; to experience everything; to know everything; to learn everything. I want to be so much more.

I wonder if my opinions of you are accurate or not? I wonder what other people’s true impressions of me are, if they even have any?

I wonder, do you want to witness all of me as well?