Someday I Suppose

Today is my birthday. It is very early in the day.

The day can still go south, it can stay on track or could go exceptionally well.

Only time will tell.

I don’t have much luck on my birthday. Correction. I don’t have much good luck on my birthday. Or the days surrounding my birthday.

Let’s see if I can remember…

When my son was 2 or 3 he spent that weekend in the hospital with strep throat, mono, and dehydration.

Another year I ended up getting a raging sinus infection. My head was so severely congested that it was coming out my eyes.

I have spent another birthday lying in bed with migraines.

I’ve had to leave work early to pick up my sick daughter from school. She had the flu.

I’ve had such horrible fights with my husband that he almost walked out right then and there.

Every one of my kids have had some type of sickness.

Last year the day of my birthday went well, but the day after my son took a cheap shot to the head in a hockey game and his hockey career ended for good.

This year my youngest daughter has a cold and my husband woke up feeling like he’s starting a cold.

Every year I say the next year will be better.

Someday that statement will come true.

For now I’ll just continue to go with the flow and see what the rest of today brings.

Wish me luck.

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Live To Tell

That dreaded moment when someone asks you a specific question and you freeze, trying to think of how to answer it. You realize that there is no right or wrong answer, but you need to be careful with how much you elaborate on your response. That’s where you could get into trouble.

I’ve been getting into trouble with saying too much lately. I find that both amusing and concerning because I don’t say very much to begin with.

In fact, I struggle with telling people my thoughts at all. I go back and forth wondering if I should say anything. I want the best for people, so I don’t take these decisions lightly. If I do say something, it’s only because I truly believe the person needs to know this information. Whether it be my opinion of a friend or relationship or if they are heading down a troubling path. My best friend’s husband is not my favorite person, not even close, and I am VERY conscientious of what I share with her when she is talking about him. But not just with her. With my friends, kids, husband, coworkers…other acquaintances.

You’d be amazed at how much I actually hold back. The little bit that I do share is usually just the tip of the iceberg. I really want to say that this guy is really only using you to get close to someone else, or be careful how much you share with this girl because if EITHER of you decide to move on in a different direction for whatever reason, she is going to go psycho hose beast all over you. Not to mention she is already way too clingy and dependent on you. But I won’t say any of this. I will just be your friend, or your mom, or your whatever and when you need me. When the time comes, or if you come right out and ask me, then I will say more.

I know a big reason that I don’t say what I’m really thinking is because I don’t want people mad at me. Many times the consequences of giving advice or just talking about something results in my having to apologize for it.

So I don’t say anything unless I’m asked.

Most of my thoughts (secrets) will go with me to my grave.

 

This Is The Time

So I wonder, are there really only 2 types of personalities? One type who can’t sit and relax for longer than 15 minutes and the other type who only wants to sit and do nothing?

I think not. I think there has to be an in-between because I don’t fit into either of those two categories.

Don’t get me wrong, there are days when I could sit and watch a movie or TV show marathon all day long, but I definitely do not feel guilty for doing so. That’s not to say that I would do that every day if given the chance. It would get boring pretty quickly.

I am definitely not a workaholic either. I am not lazy about doing things, but I don’t look for things to clean or fix just because all my regular household chores are done.  I won’t sacrifice time with my kids to do some meaningless task that can wait for tomorrow.

I shouldn’t have to weather a storm to decide to play with my kids or mop the kitchen floor. I’d love to not have to go to work every day so I could be home with them more, but these days that just isn’t possible. And I do like going on vacations with them and taking them out to eat once in a while. I would definitely rather hang with my family than mow the lawn or vacuum the pool, but those things need to be done. Sometimes they can be put off for a couple hours, sometimes I need to do it right away. But I just can’t put off my kids.

My family is all I have, they come first. Every time. Because you just don’t know how long you’ll have with them. I hope to have as few regrets as possible when I die.

Stone Cold

OK, I should apologize. I have been a bit of a negative Nelly lately.

Alright, I’ve been really negative and down. I didn’t realize how much so until I got a message from a friend that she was a tad concerned after reading some of these blog posts.

I’m not meaning to cause any concern. I’m only trying to set some of my many thoughts loose so that they aren’t harboring inside my mind driving me crazy anymore. It’s easier to write about my feelings than to talk about them. Then nobody has to see me ugly cry if it happens.

So after realizing just how sad and depressed I sound to people, I decided to just veg out over the weekend. I read a lot, watched the kids ninja warrior class, went to my Saturday morning yoga class and baked. A lot of baking. I kept to myself much of the time. Although I spent a lot of time with my family, I didn’t do much speaking — to anyone. I stayed inside myself. I may have thought a lot, I really can’t remember, but I think I mostly just blanked. I was there physically, but mentally I was far away.

I think I’ve decided (for now anyway) that I am not going to beg for anything. If he wants to talk to me, he can text me first. He can say hello first and goodnight first. I am not coming to him anymore. I am not going to be the initiator for anyone or anything. I’m tired of it.

Despite feeling so unsure of myself lately, I slept very soundly last night. I was in the middle of a dream when my alarm went off. That makes it so much more difficult to wake up.  I was sitting on his lap and his arms were around me, just how I remember when he used to do that. He reached up and moved my hair from my face. Then I woke up. Happy at first, then reality hit me. I sighed and got out of bed.

If you want me, you know where to find me. In the meantime, I’ll keep myself positive. I won’t worry about anyone else at all (except my kids, of course). I will do whatever I need to do for me. I’ll take care of my own needs. I have no problem with that at all.

 

Cowardice

I Know it’s Over

I am trying so hard to be upbeat and optimistic but I am failing miserably. I want so badly to be happy, but my mind keeps going to that place where I can’t get out of. I want to know how to not let my emotions get the best of me. I want to know how to go on in life without caring what someone else might think of me.

I have a hard time sleeping because it’s too quiet and I can do nothing to clear my mind of all “why’s and why not’s” that are running through it. I have a hard time during the day (especially when the office is empty) because I can’t focus on work. It takes all the energy I can muster sometimes to not sit and cry at my desk.  I have a hard time at home in the evenings because the tension is so thick lately.

Talking doesn’t work. Talking (trying to talk) is what led to this black hole that I’m in now. I’m starting to think that talking is overrated. Fuck, love is overrated.

A wise man once said “Do or do not, there is no try.” 😉

I finally realize the meaning in that. I have tried for so long, I think I finally realize that I have failed. It’s over

 

Darkness

Untouchable

Wow. Today’s Daily Prompt word is Forbidden.  That’s a pretty loaded word. I could write multiple posts on that word alone. Each one being something completely different from the last.

At the moment I feel like much of my life is forbidden.

I used to work with a bunch of girls who liked to have colorful conversations, they could even be described as somewhat flirtatious. I am missing those conversations where I work now.

I miss flirting. My husband doesn’t flirt. At all. He completely shuts me down. I tried sending flirty texts during the day. No response whatsoever. When I asked him about it, “What if someone looked at my phone?”  OH WELL! Then they would know you have a wife that’s interested in you. It’s not like I was sending boob pics, for crying out loud!

And at home it’s the same. The kids are around, or they have friends over or I’m watching the news or…

Again, I’m not giving him a lap dance in the middle of dinner.

There is such a lack of interest on his part and I’m craving just a little bit of flirting. Preferably with him. I married him. I love him. I want him.

That being said, I am not looking for a relationship. But I do miss the silly fun that comes with flirting with someone.  So when someone else flirts with me a little, I flirt right back.

I have made it clear that there is no chance at a relationship; I do not want one and nothing is going to happen. But I will fill that flirtatious void in my life with someone. Knowing that anything more is strictly off-limits, no matter if it is wanted down the road.

Forbidden

Place In This World

Just a short year and a half ago my life was so full. I worked full-time while going to school and raising four kids. When I say my life was full, I don’t necessarily mean in a spiritual way, I mean completely filled without a second to spare. Worked all day, went to classes a couple of days a week, drove kids to hockey, dance, religion classes, soccer, worked on my own homework as well as try to help kids with theirs. I kept time for family things so that no one felt neglected at all. Trying to schedule doctor appointments and haircuts was next to impossible.  Friends would get mad that I couldn’t go out after work and I’ve lost a couple along the way.

But I did it. I did it with a smile. That was my life.

Fast forward to now.

I’ve graduated. One less thing off my plate.

My oldest son had to give up hockey due to injury. That freed up some of my time as well.

My daughter’s dance schedule has changed so she will dance fewer days each week next season (just had the end of year recital so we’re off for the summer).

All the kids’ soccer games are on Wednesdays and Fridays.

Right now, there are only 2 days each week that I have to be out running around after work. As much as I love having this extra time, I kind of hate it.

I feel like I’ve lost purpose in my life.  I feel like there’s a hole somewhere.

I tried getting back into running–I was always good at it. But it’s been years since I’ve been really good and now knee issues have me taking a slow and steady path. I know that’s nothing to be ashamed of, but it feels like failing.

Most of my friends are more into hanging at a bar than doing anything remotely physical, which I don’t mind once in a while, I just don’t want beer to be the only reason we go out. The other half of my friends all have small kids, and they basically don’t want to leave their kids, even for a short while.

I am lost right now. I need to find myself again. I love my family more than anything else, but I need my own identity. I don’t want to just be known as so-and-so’s mom.  I want to be me.

But who am I?