I’m Fat

This is getting very tiresome. I am getting very tiresome. That’s because I’m always tired.

I keep telling myself that I’m going to get up an hour earlier in the morning and do a longer yoga practice, or lift some weights, or go out for a run. But I don’t. I can’t. I absolutely cannot get out of bed in the mornings. I’m sleeping right through my alarm. All. The. Time.

And I am too tired after a full day at work and running the kids to and from dance or track or whatever sport they have that day.

I was hoping this feeling would be temporary and a couple good night’s sleep and I’d be back on track. Unfortunately this seems to be lingering. I’m sure I just need to force my ass to move and do something and I’ll start having more energy again. But it seems almost impossible.

I have days that I really hate this state that I’m in; I have days where I say that I’m OK with where I’m at. But I always hate picking out my clothes for the day. Every pair of pants I have are just a tad too snug now. Sitting at work is just a bit uncomfortable. And it isn’t warm enough outside for me to start wearing dresses to work. I need temperatures in the 70s for that.

I mentioned once before that I read a lot of blogs on different subjects. Today I have seen so many “Transformation Tuesday” photos on various social media sites. One day I will get to post my own photo, but to get there I need to move. And as I’m sitting at my desk almost falling asleep sitting up, I am making a promise to myself to start tonight – even if I just take a walk around the block.

 

 

Desire

I’ve been debating on what to write about here. I don’t think I’m going to go in the direction I planned on originally. I’m tired of writing about my emotions and crap.

I’m going to talk about the love/hate relationship with food and exercise instead. That’s a fun topic, right?

I love to eat. I hate to exercise.

Scratch that. I hate exercising alone. I’m the type of person who gets bored easily. So I can run, or use an elliptical or lift weights but if I’m by myself, forget it. My mind starts wandering. Big time. I need someone else with me to keep me on track. Or distract my mind from being bored so that I want to go do something else.

My friends all have an allergic reaction to exercise, or so I’m told. My husband and son have their bonding time when they run. They run faster than I do so they get annoyed if I want to go with them. Or they just run ahead of me and I end up running half the distance because I need to turn around sooner to get back to the car at the same time they do.

Now, I don’t need anyone else around when I eat, though. That’s quite a problem I have. I love food too much and exercise not enough. Eating is my go-to. Food is there for me when I’m feeling down or excited. Food never lets me down.

Until I start feeling a little too uncomfortable in my clothes. Then food has let me down big time. That’s when I start getting a little more physical and ramp up the activities again.

Maybe if I just sucked it up and focused on my runs I wouldn’t lose my form. If I didn’t lose my form then maybe my knees wouldn’t give me problems. If my knees didn’t give me problems I could run farther and longer. If I ran more, then maybe I could eat whatever my heart desired.

Into The Groove

Well, I failed my own test yesterday. And by  writing about it today, I’m also already failing today, too.  But you know what? I’m OK with that.

Maybe it’s because I finally slept well last night. Took a nice, long, hot bath with a glass of wine and went right to sleep afterward. Maybe that’s the key. I’ll just try doing that every night. Or maybe it’s because I am realizing that I am human and humans can’t just flip a switch and turn off feelings and emotions and curiosity and … anything.

Perhaps it’s because I made myself wake up early to practice yoga this morning. I’ve had no energy or motivation lately and I’ve been skipping it every morning.  I’m glad I did it today. It really did give me a boost today. Just as my bath helped calm me last night, yoga helped get my heart to quicken

and got me moving and grooving this morning.

After a long talk with a friend yesterday I decided not to focus on the why’s or lies being told or the what if’s. I’m just taking things day by day, minute by minute. I’m going to have fun in the process.

I think I’ll have a dance party of 1 at work today.

via Daily Prompt: Quicken

Somethin’ Bad

I’ve been called many names throughout my life. Both as a child and as an adult. Most of the time these names are unfounded and I can brush it off. Sometimes it’ll hit me hard, whether it was meant in jest or as a true insult. One word in particular that gets me is filthy.

Depending on what’s going on in my life at the time (or just how I’m feeling at that moment) there is a totally different reason it makes me feel like a piece of shit.

Recently I’ve been using that word to describe myself. Not for what you might think. Not because of anything I’ve done, but because of what I haven’t been doing. I’ve been so lazy lately and eating such crap just because it’s convenient. It’s really starting to take a toll on me.

Gone is the confidence I’ve felt in the beginning of this year. As is the strength I’ve had in the past. A lot of the people who were in my life at that time are no longer around or are different themselves. Things that bothered me then no longer bother me, they’ve been replaced with new worries.

I’ve had some emotional meltdowns between then and now. And today I feel like I’m starting to gain some of that confidence back. I’m starting to feel motivated again. I’ve been doing specific exercises to decrease (hopefully eliminate) the pain in certain areas when I run. I’ve been working on strength, and starting back up (slowly) with running. I’ve even entered an 8K on Thanksgiving morning. No, I don’t expect to run the entire way, but I have a few family members that will be walking, too.

In fact, I’m feeling so good right now that I’m looking at training plans for a half marathon. I’ll have plenty of time to train, as it isn’t until May, though that much time may back fire on me.

I may be feeling good right now, but I shouldn’t count my chickens before they’re hatched. I’m always feeling like something bad’s about to happen.

 

Bad Day

Isn’t it weird how one day can be so good and the next you just want to crawl in a hole?

Not that yesterday was a great day by any means; so many things went wrong for me. I was exhausted. But I was still in a good mood, happy.  Today, so far nothing really went wrong, but my whole outlook is the complete opposite from yesterday. Perhaps it’s because of everything that happened yesterday. Today I just feel like if someone looks at me wrong I’ll just break down and cry.

I don’t know what it is. I wish I did, it would be easier to move on from this mood. I wish I could pinpoint the cause. I wish I could flip a switch. I wish it was that easy.

Hopefully by the end of the day I can turn this around.

Happy

Words are strong. They have power. People who know how to use words are heavily armed and definitely use words to their advantage.

I’m surrounded by a whole wealth of negativity at work. Everyone is out for him or herself and will step on anyone to stay on top. Quite honestly it is a pretty depressing and frustrating environment lately.
It’s so strange how words can lift you up so or drag you down so easily. I don’t think I realized just how far down I had been until Monday. Monday is when my first two assignments were returned to me from my journalism class.

Encouragement. Praise. Motivation. Three words that I am not used to hearing directed toward me. Naturally then whenever I do hear any words of encouragement I am going to revel in it for as long as I can. I am still on my high, two days later. I find it amazing how just a little bit of recognition can alter one’s entire attitude. I’m so used to being corrected constantly, having everything wrong, and every flaw pointed out to me. When my instructor gave me my papers back and kept me after class to talk to me about them I wasn’t sure how to even react. When she said that my very first assignment for this class, an assignment that was handed out to us before we really had any lessons or even met her, was a good paper and I should expand on it and write more–well I was ecstatic. Someone was actually giving me words of encouragement! I felt surprised at first, and then I felt empowered. I felt…happy. My whole outlook had changed; suddenly I had a renewed confidence in myself. For the first time in over a year I had confidence, not just in this class but in myself. I was able to carry over this feeling into work the next day as well. I was a little happier, my day went by fast, I didn’t feel too annoyed when asked to do silly little mundane tasks that people should be doing for themselves. I even slept for the entire night two nights in a row. That is not an easy task!

Well, I’m going to start out today with this new found confidence. I hear that moods can be contagious. Let’s see if I can change someone else’s frown upside down today.