Not Over You

Songs have a strong power over me. They bring me back to certain place, a certain time.

So many songs bring me back people, usually because of listening to it together or an event we were at or whatever reason. But some songs just make me think of someone in particular because of the actual words in the song. I just don’t remember though, I FEEL it.

When Gavin DeGraw’s Not Over You first came out, I hadn’t seen you in years. But I instantly thought of you. I felt this song was specific to a once upon a time that we shared so many years earlier. And every time I heard this song I felt it. And I wondered if you felt it too, not specifically when you heard this (or any other) song, but at all.

After briefly beginning a new relationship with you, I have realized that what we had before was not what I thought it was. And I say briefly because this time was even shorter than the last, and it was completely different.

The fact is, this song does not make me feel the same as it once did. The lyrics do bring me back to a time when I felt a certain way; brings back some memories. But I have no emotional attachment any longer.

Actually, I feel…

free.

I think I’ll find someone else to listen to on Spotify today.

I Wish You Would

Hello.  It’s me.

I’ve not made time for writing at all lately. I’ve been wanting to, but I haven’t really had anything specific to write about. Nothing that I needed to get off my mind. I guess that is a good thing.

I feel that I am a person who needs to be inspired and motivated to do just about anything. I’m sure this is the same for most people. For instance, I had a gym membership for quite a while and while I went a few days  a week, it didn’t really help me at all. I did the bare minimum. I daydreamed. I didn’t push myself (partly because I didn’t always know what I was doing).

But this boot camp that I just finished up I actually lost weight and inches! Everyone there was so nice and friendly and helpful. We pushed each other and congratulated each other on our accomplishments. But what really made the difference for me were the two trainers. They pushed me. Hard. Sometimes I felt like throwing a weight at them. I did even tell one of them to stop talking to me. : )

But they knew I needed the push. I had the inspiration and motivation to sign up for the classes (my clothes not fitting) but I needed the motivation to push myself harder. And it worked. I had great results and I am in for the next round. I even came in third place in my class time for most percentage lost (although my brother speculated that Photoshop was used for the before/after photos, if I was going to be a fraud  I would totally make the after photo look a lot better than it does)!

You can imagine how excited I was when I found that out! So excited I wanted to scream it from the mountain tops. Or at least tell all my friends.

Speaking of friends, the whole inspiration for my writing this morning was a song (actually songs) I listened to on the radio on my way in to work. They started me thinking of a friend who isn’t really around any more. I had tried to start slowly by just sending a text to say hello (we used to text each other 24/7). But the texts usually fall short and don’t last long. They actually just stop abruptly leaving me wondering why.

He has reached out a couple of times, too. But it’s always the same. Short conversations leaving me wishing for more. Wishing it was what it used to be.

I guess that happens, though.  People drift apart all the time.

I just wish you knew…

Low

Seriously WordPress, you give Doubt as a prompt today? That’s a loaded gun right there. My whole life is fucking doubt.

It seems I finally get one piece situated and then the sky falls somewhere else. Nothing is the end of the world really, just extremely frustrating. I am pretty angry right now, and the places that I used to go for comfort and to calm myself are no longer viable options. And I have a desk job with pretty much zero interruptions to distract me most of the time so I have about 7 more hours to sit and stew here.

I am trying not to be angry. I’m trying to just be indifferent and sometimes I am. But you know how things go, someone will say something or I’ll see something on TV and I’ll get pissed all over again. It happens. I’ve been through shit before and have gone through all the ranges of emotions and have lived.

What gets me most are all the unanswered questions and the uncertainty. I know I’m doing the right thing and have made the right decisions, it’s just the transition that I have to get through. Just like any life change it’s going to be hard, so of course I’m going to doubt myself. It’s only natural. So please bear with me while I go through this.

 

PS, I have always absolutely loved this song

Alive

Ten

The word ten makes me think of Pearl Jam. In fact, the album Ten is probably one of my favorite albums.

Pearl Jam has always been one of my favorite bands. Though I have to admit I enjoy their earliest albums to anything they’ve done more recently. I can say that about a lot of music, though. Maybe it just reminds me of easier times or my childhood. Maybe it’s just because it was better than some of the music put out now. Maybe it’s a little of both.

I miss the times when all I had to worry about was music. I miss being able to focus everything I had on listening to a melody and getting lost in it. I wish I could do that now. Forget about everything else that is going on or that needs to be done and just sit in my room and listen to records (or CDs or just a playlist on my phone). The point is, I can’t shut life out and get lost in myself anymore.

I think that’s something I need very badly. I need some time to just get lost in myself and not worry about what’s supposed to happen next or where I’m supposed to be or even where I am now! I don’t want to worry about what eating that piece of cake is going to do to me and I don’t want to worry about feeling guilty when I say, “Oh well, tasted great!”

I want to go back to the time when I did what I wanted when I wanted and no one judged. and if they did, I didn’t give a fuck.

Cryin’

I told you I’m not good at making up my mind. And I also promised I wasn’t going to cry – or I would try not to at least. For the most part, I have done what I said. I consciously did not let myself cry over anything. But my subconscious didn’t hold up. I woke up in the middle of the night crying. I guess it is all but inevitable when life has you so perplexed.

I woke up from a dream, I know that much, but I only remember bits and pieces. I remember enough to know exactly what was going on but not with enough details to be able to explain it.  Honestly, I’d rather not remember them. I probably only had a few short dreams but last night it felt like I dreamt a lifetime. But I really don’t want to talk about those dreams. I’m tired of being depressed and bumming people out.

Maybe I just woke up like that because I needed to relieve some stress that has been building up recently. Maybe it had nothing to do with my dreams or anything that has been rattling inside my brain. Maybe I just really wanted to listen to Aerosmith today.

Whatever the reason is though, I wore my glasses to work today. Just in case.

Anyway, tomorrow is a new day. Heck, it’s still early enough in the day to start today again. So I think I’ll put on the Aerosmith station on Spotify and rock out a little at my desk.

Loud Music

The one thing in life that I could never, ever do without is music. Music has seen me on my worst days and my best. Music has been there to get me through deaths, births, weddings, and tragedies. It gets me through the day at work,  when I’m at home cleaning and through 3 mile runs. Music holds memories and brings them back to the forefront, whether I want them there or not.

I will hear a song and suddenly I’m little again, watching MTV in my living room, dancing without a care. Or I’m just sitting on my couch in the days after my dad died. I giggle at Barenaked Ladies thinking about my mom gasping at some of their lyrics. I smile thinking of sitting on a street curb eating ice cream with old friends. I cry at songs that bring me back to times when my husband and I fought all the time and thought my marriage was ending.

I think that’s normal for most people. But is it weird when you hear a song and it reminds you of a person who has absolutely no connection to that song? Every now and then a song will come out and it brings memories of a time long past or a person who I haven’t seen in years. That always makes me wonder when that happens. Why would a song bring thoughts about someone or something that I haven’t thought about in so long? Is there a reason? Is there something I’m not seeing and should be?

It also makes me wonder if I’m really even living in the physical world or if I’m still living in my dream world. My own world of “would haves or could haves.”

I think I am mostly in my own fantasy world.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that. I like it there. Listening to my music with nothing but my own thoughts and memories. Music is my escape.

Secret

Do you want to know a secret? I’ve got many.

I’ve got so many sides to me, I don’t think there is even a word to describe it. I have a good side and a bad. I’m fun and I’m professional. I am shy and I am wild. I am depressed and I am happy. I can be flamboyant but I can also be reserved. I am simple, yet complicated.

I think, like most people, which side of me you get depends on the day and the environment. At work I’m my most prim and polished. I’m reserved and responsible at home. Get me out with my friends and I can be anyone I want to be–there’s no limit.

Who I am really you may ask?

I’m a little bit country and a little bit rock ‘n roll.

I am me.

Hooked On A Feeling

I suck at being honest.

No. That’s not totally accurate.

I suck at expressing my feelings. I can’t express how I feel, which then causes me to be less than honest about them. That is totally accurate. It’s also totally asinine.

I’ve never been able to tell someone exactly what’s on my mind. I can infer and beat around the bush and eventually get my point across, but not once can I come right out and say what it is I’m feeling or thinking.

If I could just grow some balls and not worry about the “what ifs” and say what I need to say, I’d probably save a lot of time and a lot of heartache. But I can’t. I’m too scared. Always have been.

2sfobic

Much of the time, the moment just passes without incident. There are no repercussions. No moments of regret. But there have been times when everything just happens at once. Everything builds up and it just festers. That’s when bad shit happens. That’s when it seems like life starts to unravel. That’s when you start to look for a way out.

That’s why I write. I write to myself to unload the feelings that I can’t make known to anyone else. And you know what? It helps. A little. And I listen to music. You’ll never find me without music playing. That’s my way out. Obviously I’m not getting any feedback or advice, so I do end up making some wrong choices here and there.

But life is full of wrong choices. You just have to learn to live with them.

 

 

I can’t drive 55

I don’t love driving. I feel like I spend too much time in my car driving back & forth to work, dance, hockey, soccer, religion, kids school and my own classes. I have so many other better things that I could be doing.
Although I really despise driving one of my favorite times of the day is my commute to and from work (mostly home). It’s my alone time, my time that I can just think about whatever I want to. It’s my time when I can blast my radio and sing at the top of my lungs.
The singing is my favorite part. I can listen to any music I want to and sound as hideous as I can and there’s no one around to judge me or make me feel small or change the song. I can sing along to a boy band, a broadway musical, heavy metal or country-whatever tickles my fancy. I could have the crappiest day ever until I start rocking out on my drive home and all my stress flies out the window.
Until I arrive at my destination. Once my 20-30 minute commute is over, I’m back to the real world. Back to reality.

The Music in Me

A few weeks ago I was watching Reality Bites. It was about 2 or 3am and I couldn’t sleep, nothing new. But watching that movie and listening to the songs in the background for the first time in probably over a decade brought back a flood of memories. So instead of lying there thinking about it all I decided to write them in my blog and hopefully get some sleep. For some reason though that blog never did get published. After typing it all out there was an error and I lost the whole dang post. Of course the next morning I couldn’t think of half of what I typed out so I never tried to re-write it.

My point in today’s post is not to try to remember the post that never was, but to build off it. Instead of writing about the specific songs in that movie and the memories that are connected to them I just want to write about music in general. And I’m sorry but I’ll probably go off on tangents a lot.

Yesterday someone asked me if I was familiar with a song. I really couldn’t tell by just the name so I pulled it up on YouTube and gave a listen (thank God for smartphones, eh). Sounded pretty good, I liked it so later that night I downloaded it on iTunes and gave a better listen. At some point during the song I realized I wasn’t just listening to the song but I was listening to figure out how it would relate to me and my life. I started wondering, “Do I over analyze every song like this or does something just grab me with specific songs that makes me think about them more?” I started thinking about some of the songs that have specific meaning to me. Madonna makes the list a couple of times, take from that what you will.

Let’s stick with Madonna. I’ll Remember was released in March 1994. My father passed away that May. Being the huge Madonna fan that I am, I had already listened to that song about 100 times before my father passed. A couple of days after he died I was sitting on the couch doing homework with MTV on in the background (yes, they still played videos a few times a day then) and the video for that song came on. That’s when it hit me. That’s when it all came crashing down on me and I lost it. I’m starting to lose it a little now as I type.

As I’ve already stated I’ve always been a huge Madonna fan. So thinking of innocent 8 year old me singing and dancing to Papa Don’t Preach in my kitchen shouldn’t be a big deal since I hardly knew what the song was about. Fast forward 10 years and yep, you guessed it, 18 year old me is in that same situation that Madonna was in that song. Now don’t get too excited, I’m really not THAT type of girl. My boyfriend and I were together for 2 years at that point and guess what, we ended up getting married and having 3 more kids together. In fact we’ll be married for 15 years this May. I can’t say that it’s been all hunky dory; there have definitely been some if-y times in there. VERY if-y times. But if you’ve read any of my earlier posts you might have guessed that already.

Anyway, I told you I would go off on tangents so I think I’ll end it here.