I realize that I sound like a broke record lately. I’m sorry. Feel free to skip this post if you like.
I know I can’t have everything. I don’t think I want everything. What I want is to feel loved. I want to feel like I’m worth something; like I bring some value to the world. I need to be wanted, desired. I need to feel important.
My life isn’t bad. Everyone is healthy. There’s no abuse. We can pay our bills and keep a roof over our heads and have food to eat. Honestly, I really have nothing to complain about.
But yes, I want more from him. More than he is willing to give. I don’t want the type of marriage his parents have. I want what my parents had. Unfortunately he was never able to see what they had, so he doesn’t know where it is I’m coming from. He doesn’t understand my need. He probably never will.
So I wonder, are there really only 2 types of personalities? One type who can’t sit and relax for longer than 15 minutes and the other type who only wants to sit and do nothing?
I think not. I think there has to be an in-between because I don’t fit into either of those two categories.
Don’t get me wrong, there are days when I could sit and watch a movie or TV show marathon all day long, but I definitely do not feel guilty for doing so. That’s not to say that I would do that every day if given the chance. It would get boring pretty quickly.
I am definitely not a workaholic either. I am not lazy about doing things, but I don’t look for things to clean or fix just because all my regular household chores are done. I won’t sacrifice time with my kids to do some meaningless task that can wait for tomorrow.
I shouldn’t have to weather a storm to decide to play with my kids or mop the kitchen floor. I’d love to not have to go to work every day so I could be home with them more, but these days that just isn’t possible. And I do like going on vacations with them and taking them out to eat once in a while. I would definitely rather hang with my family than mow the lawn or vacuum the pool, but those things need to be done. Sometimes they can be put off for a couple hours, sometimes I need to do it right away. But I just can’t put off my kids.
My family is all I have, they come first. Every time. Because you just don’t know how long you’ll have with them. I hope to have as few regrets as possible when I die.
Everyone has struggles in life. Everyone faces challenges. Some people face things that are monumental and some people face things that only feel monumental.
I go through my bouts of feeling sad and wonder if I made the right decisions in life. I fight with my husband at times and wonder why we are still married. These times are not an everyday occurrence, by any means. In fact, it has been a few years since the last big blowout fight we’ve had. This is a good thing.
My problem is I am too emotional. I think with my heart. My feelings get hurt too easily. We are comfortable with each other. We just live the status quo of life. Day after day is all the same. Wake up, go to work, come home, eat, take kids to dance or soccer or hockey or wherever, watch some TV and go to bed. Every. Single. Day. Nothing really varies except the activity in which we are driving the kids to. I’m getting bored with this and I take it personally when I try to plan a date night in which he has no desire to go on. The kids are his life, the center of his universe. I feel like I’m just along for the ride.
So why don’t I say anything to him about how I feel? Because I don’t necessarily want to disrupt the status quo, either. I have a good life–a job, a house, my family, my dogs, food to eat, etc. I don’t need to cause waves when there is no storm. Just because I’m bored and feeling like a third wheel in my family doesn’t mean I should disrupt everyone else’s life.
I find that I do not have a lot of time to write, or when I do have time I cannot think of anything. Many times I have too many negative things to say so, like my mother taught me, I don’t say anything at all. This is happening a lot actually–me not saying anything at all.
I saw in the news recently a local hockey father was arrested for attacking his son’s coach for benching him during a game. Scarily enough, this happened at my kids home rink. I’m not going to lie and say that I’ve never yelled at a ref or disagreed with a call because I have. Many times. I even disagree with the coaches on occasions. But I’ve never yelled at them before, during, or after a game. I’ve never even mentioned my opinions of their on-ice decisions. This season, however, I’ve come close to pulling a coach aside after a game to ask what on God’s green earth he was thinking.
I know I am not the only parent on the team with questions for the coaching staff. Other parents have emailed and asked the coaches for line changes or different drills during practices. All to no response in return. We are now more than halfway through the season and heading into an out of town tournament. Our boys have learned very little this season and nothing at all since the very beginning of the season. In fact, I’ll even go so far as to say they’ve all, every one of them, have regressed.
I am unsure why this escapes the attention of the coach and his assistants. Many of these boys would like to go on and play for their school teams; at this point I don’t know if any one of them would be selected.
Is it possible to bring this up diplomatically, without hurt feelings or tempers flaring? Will it even make a difference? Or, is it just a moot point? Or, since I have nothing nice to say, do I not say anything at all??