King of Pain

I made a conscious decision recently to purge negative and toxic people from my life.

I even went as far as blocking them from my phone and social media accounts instead of just ignoring them. I have to tell you, that helps keep me from thinking about them tremendously. Although thoughts do still pop up – obviously.

I don’t need to rescue people from themselves. Their woe is me way of life gets tiring after a while, and I just don’t want to deal with it.

Yeah, I know that makes me sound like a bitch, but seriously, when that is all I ever hear from these people it gets so monotonous. I mean, doesn’t anything good ever happen to you? Are you ever happy? I can’t make you happy, only you can do that.

I’ve told you before, and on many occasions, that I am not the same person that I used to be, either. Back when we were real friends and were close. I am not that person. I am in  different situation. I am happy. I am confident.  I have discovered how to be my own person and not rely on other people to manage my emotions. I hope you can do the same one day.

Though I have to say that I am curious about you. I have discovered things accidentally on Facebook that I almost unblocked your number to text you about. I have questions. But I knew that would only open the door that I have padlocked shut. I don’t want to go down that road again. No amount of curiosity is worth the frustration.

So I will leave you with this, I hope you can be truly happy on your own terms. Find whatever it is that you love and stick with it. I hope you can let go of what you hold on to  and learn to live with the cards that have been dealt to you. I hope that one day you will no longer be your own king of pain.

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When You Close Your Eyes

Last night I had a dream. It wasn’t a good dream, it wasn’t a nightmare. It was just a dream.

I dreamt that years ago I had an affair. It happened way in the past and we had moved on. The dream was occurring in the present day. I must have worked somewhere downtown and had to walk a few blocks to the parking lot where my car was. On the way to my car I ran into the man who I had the affair with and we walked together. My daughter (she is in her 20s) saw us walking together and ran up to me to question me. I assured her we had just been walking in the same direction and had only just run into each other.

After she left, he did mention that he had to walk home as he didn’t have a car because it was at the garage for repairs. As it was the middle of winter and freezing and snowy I agreed to give him a lift home, this one time only.

When my daughter left on her way to work, she must have called my husband because by the time I got to my car he was sitting in it waiting for me.  He was understandably upset with me and I kept calm just repeating that we were just walking to the car together as we had just ran into each other.  I told him how I offered to drive him home because the weather was so crappy and that it was a one time only deal. I asked my husband to come with while I dropped him off just so he knew for sure that there was nothing going on except for a lift.

And then I woke up.

I woke up feeling depressed and guilty.

I have no idea where this came from or why I would dream something like this. But I guess most people don’t know why they dream what they do.

I have been feeling bad this past week. Just feeling low and helpless and alone. And to wake up this way this morning did nothing to help change things around. Today is a Friday. It’s the last day before vacation. I should be excited and hyper and happy and none of those things apply right now.

Sigh.

Nothing is the end of the world. I will continue to plug away at work for another 5 1/2 hours and hopefully vacation mode will finally hit me.

Adios amigos!

I Wish You Would

Hello.  It’s me.

I’ve not made time for writing at all lately. I’ve been wanting to, but I haven’t really had anything specific to write about. Nothing that I needed to get off my mind. I guess that is a good thing.

I feel that I am a person who needs to be inspired and motivated to do just about anything. I’m sure this is the same for most people. For instance, I had a gym membership for quite a while and while I went a few days  a week, it didn’t really help me at all. I did the bare minimum. I daydreamed. I didn’t push myself (partly because I didn’t always know what I was doing).

But this boot camp that I just finished up I actually lost weight and inches! Everyone there was so nice and friendly and helpful. We pushed each other and congratulated each other on our accomplishments. But what really made the difference for me were the two trainers. They pushed me. Hard. Sometimes I felt like throwing a weight at them. I did even tell one of them to stop talking to me. : )

But they knew I needed the push. I had the inspiration and motivation to sign up for the classes (my clothes not fitting) but I needed the motivation to push myself harder. And it worked. I had great results and I am in for the next round. I even came in third place in my class time for most percentage lost (although my brother speculated that Photoshop was used for the before/after photos, if I was going to be a fraud  I would totally make the after photo look a lot better than it does)!

You can imagine how excited I was when I found that out! So excited I wanted to scream it from the mountain tops. Or at least tell all my friends.

Speaking of friends, the whole inspiration for my writing this morning was a song (actually songs) I listened to on the radio on my way in to work. They started me thinking of a friend who isn’t really around any more. I had tried to start slowly by just sending a text to say hello (we used to text each other 24/7). But the texts usually fall short and don’t last long. They actually just stop abruptly leaving me wondering why.

He has reached out a couple of times, too. But it’s always the same. Short conversations leaving me wishing for more. Wishing it was what it used to be.

I guess that happens, though.  People drift apart all the time.

I just wish you knew…

Bad Blood

Am I hurt? Yes.

Am I devastated? No. Not any longer.

Am I completely over everything? Almost.

Do I love you? No.

Do I hate you? No.

Am I bitter? You bet your white American ass I am.

When we talk (which is hardly ever anymore) you go on like nothing has changed and nothing is different. But our conversations now only last a few minutes at a time. We used to go on for hours and hours.

We’ve discussed our difference of opinions, at least I tried to discuss them with you. Foolishly, I believed that we could remain friends, obviously you don’t believe this to be true.

Time and distance has never been an issue for us, either. I still see you every day, and I know you see me, too.

I don’t know how you feel. You haven’t been that upfront with me. Maybe you just don’t feel anything. That’s fine if that is the case. But you should know, you left a hole in me, and it is closing.

Time is almost up.

Talking In Your Sleep

I so slept like poop last night. Complete poop. But I guess it was fitting to have a shitty sleep (or nonsleep) since my day was not any better.

The few precious moments of sleep I did get were filled with strange dreams. The craziness in these dreams were so out there that it is way too hard to even try to explain. I do remember that they were about Disney World though, which makes sense because that’s been one topic that has been on my mind a lot lately.

That happens to me often; I dream about whatever has been taking up most of my thoughts at that time. So I’m glad that I’ve been dreaming of Disney and not everything else that’s been on my mind as of late.

When I do dream about all my issues with my friends or my family, I get so nervous that I’m going to talk in my sleep. I get very anxious sometimes that I’ll wake up my husband while I’m talking during my dreams and he’ll know all my secrets. Though, most of the time when I dream I don’t remember them or only snippets of them. Not really enough that I could explain the dream to him even if I wanted to. So at least I have that out if I ever need it.

So yes, I do have some things that I do not share with my husband. Does that make me horrible? I don’t think horrible. I believe that everyone keeps some things to themselves. Everyone. I know he keeps things from me as well. I don’t think it would be healthy for relationships if every single thing was shared between two people.

But that’s just my opinion.

You Talk Too Much

Wow. I opened this page to start writing 5 hours ago and it just never happened. I don’t even remember what I was going to throw out there today.

It’s funny how I can get totally stumped about what to say on here but in life I don’t seem to have a problem. Twice in the past two days I’ve opened my mouth when I really shouldn’t have. Or really, I guess I should have, it’s just that I said something that other people didn’t want to hear.

I end up going over and over the conversation in my head (because I just can’t let things go). Much of the time I realize that if I had kept my mouth shut then probably nothing bad would’ve happened. I should start asking myself, “Is it life or death if this information is not said out loud?”  I bet that most of the time that answer would be no and I should stay quiet.  For someone who hates drama, I sure do create a lot of it! Not that I mean to, it just happens.

I’m just a drama magnet. It’s drawn to me and surrounds me like a swarm of bees. I guess the question is, how do I turn off this magnetism??

Low

Seriously WordPress, you give Doubt as a prompt today? That’s a loaded gun right there. My whole life is fucking doubt.

It seems I finally get one piece situated and then the sky falls somewhere else. Nothing is the end of the world really, just extremely frustrating. I am pretty angry right now, and the places that I used to go for comfort and to calm myself are no longer viable options. And I have a desk job with pretty much zero interruptions to distract me most of the time so I have about 7 more hours to sit and stew here.

I am trying not to be angry. I’m trying to just be indifferent and sometimes I am. But you know how things go, someone will say something or I’ll see something on TV and I’ll get pissed all over again. It happens. I’ve been through shit before and have gone through all the ranges of emotions and have lived.

What gets me most are all the unanswered questions and the uncertainty. I know I’m doing the right thing and have made the right decisions, it’s just the transition that I have to get through. Just like any life change it’s going to be hard, so of course I’m going to doubt myself. It’s only natural. So please bear with me while I go through this.

 

PS, I have always absolutely loved this song