Am I bitter? You bet your white American ass I am.
When we talk (which is hardly ever anymore) you go on like nothing has changed and nothing is different. But our conversations now only last a few minutes at a time. We used to go on for hours and hours.
We’ve discussed our difference of opinions, at least I tried to discuss them with you. Foolishly, I believed that we could remain friends, obviously you don’t believe this to be true.
Time and distance has never been an issue for us, either. I still see you every day, and I know you see me, too.
I don’t know how you feel. You haven’t been that upfront with me. Maybe you just don’t feel anything. That’s fine if that is the case. But you should know, you left a hole in me, and it is closing.
I so slept like poop last night. Complete poop. But I guess it was fitting to have a shitty sleep (or nonsleep) since my day was not any better.
The few precious moments of sleep I did get were filled with strange dreams. The craziness in these dreams were so out there that it is way too hard to even try to explain. I do remember that they were about Disney World though, which makes sense because that’s been one topic that has been on my mind a lot lately.
That happens to me often; I dream about whatever has been taking up most of my thoughts at that time. So I’m glad that I’ve been dreaming of Disney and not everything else that’s been on my mind as of late.
When I do dream about all my issues with my friends or my family, I get so nervous that I’m going to talk in my sleep. I get very anxious sometimes that I’ll wake up my husband while I’m talking during my dreams and he’ll know all my secrets. Though, most of the time when I dream I don’t remember them or only snippets of them. Not really enough that I could explain the dream to him even if I wanted to. So at least I have that out if I ever need it.
So yes, I do have some things that I do not share with my husband. Does that make me horrible? I don’t think horrible. I believe that everyone keeps some things to themselves. Everyone. I know he keeps things from me as well. I don’t think it would be healthy for relationships if every single thing was shared between two people.
Wow. I opened this page to start writing 5 hours ago and it just never happened. I don’t even remember what I was going to throw out there today.
It’s funny how I can get totally stumped about what to say on here but in life I don’t seem to have a problem. Twice in the past two days I’ve opened my mouth when I really shouldn’t have. Or really, I guess I should have, it’s just that I said something that other people didn’t want to hear.
I end up going over and over the conversation in my head (because I just can’t let things go). Much of the time I realize that if I had kept my mouth shut then probably nothing bad would’ve happened. I should start asking myself, “Is it life or death if this information is not said out loud?” I bet that most of the time that answer would be no and I should stay quiet. For someone who hates drama, I sure do create a lot of it! Not that I mean to, it just happens.
I’m just a drama magnet. It’s drawn to me and surrounds me like a swarm of bees. I guess the question is, how do I turn off this magnetism??
Seriously WordPress, you give Doubt as a prompt today? That’s a loaded gun right there. My whole life is fucking doubt.
It seems I finally get one piece situated and then the sky falls somewhere else. Nothing is the end of the world really, just extremely frustrating. I am pretty angry right now, and the places that I used to go for comfort and to calm myself are no longer viable options. And I have a desk job with pretty much zero interruptions to distract me most of the time so I have about 7 more hours to sit and stew here.
I am trying not to be angry. I’m trying to just be indifferent and sometimes I am. But you know how things go, someone will say something or I’ll see something on TV and I’ll get pissed all over again. It happens. I’ve been through shit before and have gone through all the ranges of emotions and have lived.
What gets me most are all the unanswered questions and the uncertainty. I know I’m doing the right thing and have made the right decisions, it’s just the transition that I have to get through. Just like any life change it’s going to be hard, so of course I’m going to doubt myself. It’s only natural. So please bear with me while I go through this.
I talk a lot. I say a lot of what I want to do but I don’t always follow through. I make up my mind to do something because I know it’s the right thing but I don’t always have the will power to do it. Sometimes it’s just because I don’t want to give something up and sometimes it’s just because I have too much curiosity. Whatever the reason, though, I need to grow a pair and just stick with my decision and live with it.
This morning I took a step in the right direction. I decided to take my life back. I removed temptation (at least something that is directly connected with that temptation) from my sight. It’s easier to let things go if you aren’t reminded of them on a daily basis. Today I threw that reminder in the trash, and you know what? I feel damn good about it!
I woke up and decided not to hesitate any longer. No sense in prolonging hurt feelings any longer than needed right? It was really so much easier than I thought it would be. It’s funny how you can wake up one day and realize that you just need to remove the drama from life, and it can be as easy as hitting the unfollow button on a social media site or two.
Sometimes you just have to say, “I don’t care what you say anymore, this is my life
Go ahead with your own life and leave me alone.”
Well, I failed my own test yesterday. And by writing about it today, I’m also already failing today, too. But you know what? I’m OK with that.
Maybe it’s because I finally slept well last night. Took a nice, long, hot bath with a glass of wine and went right to sleep afterward. Maybe that’s the key. I’ll just try doing that every night. Or maybe it’s because I am realizing that I am human and humans can’t just flip a switch and turn off feelings and emotions and curiosity and … anything.
Perhaps it’s because I made myself wake up early to practice yoga this morning. I’ve had no energy or motivation lately and I’ve been skipping it every morning. I’m glad I did it today. It really did give me a boost today. Just as my bath helped calm me last night, yoga helped get my heart to quicken
and got me moving and grooving this morning.
After a long talk with a friend yesterday I decided not to focus on the why’s or lies being told or the what if’s. I’m just taking things day by day, minute by minute. I’m going to have fun in the process.
I think I’ll have a dance party of 1 at work today.
Vacations are not only fun and relaxing but good for the soul. Vacations can heal even the most bruised and banged up feelings.
This time away with my family was truly what I needed and the timing was perfect. This was exactly what I needed to reset and center myself.
The first hour or so on the 6 hour drive home the weather was awful. The rain came down so hard I thought it could break the windshield. Then it stopped raining and I could see beautiful clear skies down the highway.
I thought it was a perfect example of my life recently. I think I’m finally out of the storm and the skies are clear from now on.
Unfortunately once the sun went down I had too many hours inside my head with my thoughts. Things that I happily didn’t think about at all on my trip. Things that I was hoping to forget about and learn to stop thinking about while I was away. Things that I hope to not let into my head once I get back to work, when I usually think about everything.
Today will be a test for sure, but hopefully I’ll pass with flying colors. Eventually I won’t even bother asking, “Why me?”