If I thought my emotions were on a roller coaster ride before, it sure didn’t prepare me for what I went through the past 4 days or so.
I was completely numb at first. Or maybe I was in denial. I just pushed anything I was feeling away; swept it under the bed so I didn’t have to deal with it.
I had the rug pulled out from under me, the wool pulled over my eyes, completely hoodwinked and any other way you want to put it.
I have felt totally pissed, embarrassed, like a complete idiot, heartbroken, and then I stopped caring. But I never cried. I knew I’d never see or hear from this person again so I decided to put it behind me.
Then Saturday I got the shock of my life. Turns out I wasn’t the only person fooled, this I knew, but I found out the circumstances surrounding this masquerade. Everything hit me in the gut all over again. I’ve been trying to put it all out of my mind, I’m trying hard, but I just can’t. This was part of my daily life for the better part of a year. There was a certain zing to my life.
I guess maybe I’m lucky, the only thing I lost in all this was a friend. But a friend who I talked to everyday. Or did I? I guess it wasn’t real so can I even say I lost anything? And now I have no one to talk to about this. I am totally on my own with this one. I don’t know if that’s good or bad. If I can’t talk to anyone then I don’t have to admit that this was anything more to me.
I almost cried last night thinking about that. Almost, but I was able to hold it back. I’m doing my best to keep it that way.
I hope this is the last I write about this but there are so many thoughts and questions going through my head. I can’t make any promises, sorry.