Category Archives: wanting

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I Wish You Would

Hello.  It’s me.

I’ve not made time for writing at all lately. I’ve been wanting to, but I haven’t really had anything specific to write about. Nothing that I needed to get off my mind. I guess that is a good thing.

I feel that I am a person who needs to be inspired and motivated to do just about anything. I’m sure this is the same for most people. For instance, I had a gym membership for quite a while and while I went a few days  a week, it didn’t really help me at all. I did the bare minimum. I daydreamed. I didn’t push myself (partly because I didn’t always know what I was doing).

But this boot camp that I just finished up I actually lost weight and inches! Everyone there was so nice and friendly and helpful. We pushed each other and congratulated each other on our accomplishments. But what really made the difference for me were the two trainers. They pushed me. Hard. Sometimes I felt like throwing a weight at them. I did even tell one of them to stop talking to me. : )

But they knew I needed the push. I had the inspiration and motivation to sign up for the classes (my clothes not fitting) but I needed the motivation to push myself harder. And it worked. I had great results and I am in for the next round. I even came in third place in my class time for most percentage lost (although my brother speculated that Photoshop was used for the before/after photos, if I was going to be a fraud  I would totally make the after photo look a lot better than it does)!

You can imagine how excited I was when I found that out! So excited I wanted to scream it from the mountain tops. Or at least tell all my friends.

Speaking of friends, the whole inspiration for my writing this morning was a song (actually songs) I listened to on the radio on my way in to work. They started me thinking of a friend who isn’t really around any more. I had tried to start slowly by just sending a text to say hello (we used to text each other 24/7). But the texts usually fall short and don’t last long. They actually just stop abruptly leaving me wondering why.

He has reached out a couple of times, too. But it’s always the same. Short conversations leaving me wishing for more. Wishing it was what it used to be.

I guess that happens, though.  People drift apart all the time.

I just wish you knew…

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I Want Your Hands On Me

I’m running off of a minimal amount of sleep right now. Darling husband has been sick and his coughing and restlessness has been waking me up at night. Last night he was called in to work and though I should’ve been able to sleep like a log since I had the whole bed to myself, I couldn’t sleep because he wasn’t there.

I was worried about the possibility that he’d have to work all night and his regular shift in the morning. He would’ve been up for more than 30 hours at that point and I was worried about him driving home.

Luckily he didn’t have to work all night and did come home to get a few hours of sleep. So that helped me get a couple of hours of sleep.

That doesn’t mean I’m not exhausted AF right now. Because I totally am! I can manage going through the day this tired, but like most people, it totally messes with my mind. My reaction time isn’t there. I tend to be a lot quieter than normal. I also daydream a lot more because I can’t concentrate on anything.

I love to read. A lot. Books, magazines, online articles, blogs. If it has a story, I’ll read it. I usually get to work a little early so I take that time to read the blogs here on WordPress. A few of them are like mine, just dumping everything that’s going on in our heads. Some of them are fictional stories. A few of them I can’t wait for the next entry to be posted. Some of them are so fucking hot that on a day like today they get me daydreaming so I’m almost too uncomfortable to be at work.

But I love these daydreams. I love hiding away in them, getting lost in them, imagining what could be if I’d just let it. If I had the person in my daydreams in front of me. A confident, strapping young man with a mouth and hands longing for me, eager for my touch. Just as eager as I am for his.

PS. I have loved this song ever since I heard it in A Nightmare on Elm Street 4. I had no idea it was Sinead O’Connor.

 

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Think Too Much

So yesterday I write about talking too much and how I should really just learn to not say everything that I’m feeling. It seems that I forgot everything that I told myself because right before bed what do you think I did? Yup, goofing around with my husband I playfully opened my mouth about something and of course it changed the whole dynamic of the easy-going night we were having. We very quickly went from very playful to his “if you’re not happy, there’s the door” speech.

Sigh.

That line gets old. And my usual reply is just as old.

So I just lied in bed trying to read but really just ruminating the whole thing until I fell asleep, which, thankfully wasn’t too long.

This morning the discussion (or lack thereof) from last night was all but forgotten, but here I am still rolling it over in my head. I guess I don’t always let go of things easily.

Oh well.

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My Life

I talk a lot. I say a lot of what I want to do but I don’t always follow through. I make up my mind to do something because I know it’s the right thing but I don’t always have the will power to do it. Sometimes it’s just because I don’t want to give something up and sometimes it’s just because I have too much curiosity. Whatever the reason, though, I need to grow a pair and just stick with my decision and live with it.

This morning I took a step in the right direction. I decided to take my life back. I removed temptation (at least something that is directly connected with that temptation) from my sight. It’s easier to let things go if you aren’t reminded of them on a daily basis. Today I threw that reminder in the trash, and you know what? I feel damn good about it!

I woke up and decided not to hesitate any longer. No sense in prolonging hurt feelings any longer than needed right?  It was really so much easier than I thought it would be.  It’s funny how you can wake up one day and realize that you just need to remove the drama from life, and it can be as easy as hitting the unfollow button on a social media site or two.

Sometimes you just have to say, “I don’t care what you say anymore, this is my life
Go ahead with your own life and leave me alone.”

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The Heart Wants What It Wants

Second Thoughts.

I feel like every day I have second thoughts. And third. And fourth.

Every day I wake up in a different frame of mind. Every night I go to bed with a completely different decision from what I woke up with.

I need to have some potentially difficult discussions, but I need the other person to be open to that discussion. I know I may not like the outcome but at least I would know where I stand. Where he stands. That is the worst part; not knowing how he feels. He says one thing, but his actions don’t always reflect that.

I know that it’s ridiculous to be jealous or upset over something that he has no control of. I know that. I think it’s more the fact that he doesn’t care why I’m upset about it. It’s just another example of how our feelings for each other are different.

There are days that I have totally made up my mind on how I’m going to be. I’m going to treat him exactly how I want him to treat me. Maybe after a little while he’ll start being that way, too. Then when the time comes I just don’t do it. For various reasons. Maybe I’m just not in the mood, or I am in the mood but he came home from work all crabby and now I’m in a bad mood. Maybe I’m just too afraid of the rejection. Maybe it’s all of it.

I hate having time alone right now. I spend too much time inside my head. More than once last week I couldn’t fall asleep because I was trying too hard not to let him know I was crying while we were lying in bed next to each other.

I should just let it go right now. We aren’t fighting or arguing with each other. He isn’t in one of his hateful moods where everything that happens is my fault or every decision I make is the wrong one. I’m just looking for a little romance. A little touch every now and again. A kiss just because. A look that says he loves me.

I should be happy with what I have, but I want more.

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Smile

I feel like I ran into a brick wall yesterday.

I found a blog last week that really captured my interest. The whole blog comes from a point of view that you don’t really get much insight on. I’m so interested in it because I’ve been in the very same situation and didn’t have anyone to talk it out with at the time it happened. I had to deal with it and heal all on my own. It was very painful and very slow. I admire this writer’s bravery for putting his story out there. Something that I haven’t been able to do, even now 13 years later.

I’m starting from the beginning with his story. So the events and emotions he’s sharing are about a year and a half to two years in the past. I’d like to make up to his present day posts before I comment on any of them, as I know how drastically feelings and circumstances can change in that time frame.

He talks so much about his wife and how much he loves her. How he’s trying so hard to make her happy. It’s been opening up a whole slew of hidden emotions for me. Emotions that I haven’t felt in many, many years and present emotions that I’ve been trying to sort through for a while now.

I keep thinking of how content we’ve been at home lately. Happy, even. But then I try for just a little something more and I hit a road block.

Why?

Is there no longer an attraction to me?  I haven’t really tried flirting at all lately. He’s made it clear that he doesn’t want that. But I can’t just flick a switch and be turned on like he can. I need to lead up to it, or else I get nothing out of it (if you know what I mean). More often than not, lately I feel like we are housemates with benefits. I mean there’s so little physical contact between us besides sex. And it always feels so rushed because we’re usually trying to fit it in between running the kids places or right before we go to sleep.

He’s going out-of-town at the end of the month. Originally he was spending the night there and I was going to go with him. I was so looking forward to exploring a new city on my own during the day and having all that time to ourselves that night. Plans changed (and I kind of expected it) and now he’s only going up for the day. I’m not upset or angry about not going away on a trip, I’m disappointed because I’m losing that time with him. That time of just the two of us to do what we wanted, go where wanted.

He texted me at work a couple of hours after he told me and asked if I was mad. I explained I wasn’t mad, just disappointed that we didn’t have that time together. He never responded. It’s so hard to talk to him about feelings or about us because that’s what he does. He just doesn’t respond. I sent him a text on Monday, “I still can’t get rid of this headache, I think I need to have sex to get rid of it.”  Nothing. Nada. Zip.

Maybe I’m just really generalizing but, wouldn’t most husbands jump on that?

I’d really love to have a sincere conversation with him about all this but he completely shuts down and clams up. Asks me why I’m trying to start a fight.

He’s tried leaving twice before. I talked him out of it each time. I don’t know. Maybe that was selfish of me. Maybe I was just too scared to be on my own with a million kids (OK, we don’t have a million, though sometimes it feels like it). I just know that if I had let him go that I’d be over him and in the process of healing by now.

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More

I realize that I sound like a broke record lately. I’m sorry. Feel free to skip this post if you like.

I know I can’t have everything. I don’t think I want everything. What I want is to feel loved. I want to feel like I’m worth something; like I bring some value to the world. I need to be wanted, desired. I need to feel important.

My life isn’t bad. Everyone is healthy. There’s no abuse. We can pay our bills and keep a roof over our heads and have food to eat. Honestly, I really have nothing to complain about.

But yes, I want more from him. More than he is willing to give. I don’t want the type of marriage his parents have. I want what my parents had. Unfortunately he was never able to see what they had, so he doesn’t know where it is I’m coming from. He doesn’t understand my need. He probably never will.

 

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Cryin’

I told you I’m not good at making up my mind. And I also promised I wasn’t going to cry – or I would try not to at least. For the most part, I have done what I said. I consciously did not let myself cry over anything. But my subconscious didn’t hold up. I woke up in the middle of the night crying. I guess it is all but inevitable when life has you so perplexed.

I woke up from a dream, I know that much, but I only remember bits and pieces. I remember enough to know exactly what was going on but not with enough details to be able to explain it.  Honestly, I’d rather not remember them. I probably only had a few short dreams but last night it felt like I dreamt a lifetime. But I really don’t want to talk about those dreams. I’m tired of being depressed and bumming people out.

Maybe I just woke up like that because I needed to relieve some stress that has been building up recently. Maybe it had nothing to do with my dreams or anything that has been rattling inside my brain. Maybe I just really wanted to listen to Aerosmith today.

Whatever the reason is though, I wore my glasses to work today. Just in case.

Anyway, tomorrow is a new day. Heck, it’s still early enough in the day to start today again. So I think I’ll put on the Aerosmith station on Spotify and rock out a little at my desk.

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I Miss My Friend

I woke up this morning in a much better mood than yesterday. Thank goodness.

I must have been thinking of all this in my sleep because I woke up with this thought: Why does anything need to change? I’m not that pissed off where we can’t just keep on as it was.

And that was that, I made up my mind.

But I am a huge asshat, and I tend to over think things. During my yoga practice this morning, though, it hit me like a brick. I said, “Whoa, hold up Lucy Lu*. Do you see anyone else wanting to keep things as they were?” The answer, unfortunately, is no. I don’t see or hear anything from anyone.  My answer can’t get any clearer than that.

And it’s fine. I said all along I wasn’t looking for any type of relationship. I’m still not. Not like what they have, or want.  But I do feel a void in my life now. Something is missing. I’ll fill it; I know I will eventually.

Keeping what we had is probably too radical an idea anyway. I think it would have been too morally confusing now. I don’t know if anyone could look at the situation in black and white, there’s so much gray area to consider.

So here I am, making up my mind, again. Perhaps because I realize I have no options, I won’t over think anything and keep this decision.

But I still miss my friend.

*The name has been changed to protect the innocent