I Will…But

Hi there. It’s been a while, hasn’t it? I’m sorry about that. I guess I just had too much going on in my head. I couldn’t turn down the volume in my head long enough to narrow anything down to one thought to write about.

Today though, today is different. Today I happened upon something that made me come to a conclusion. A conclusion that I had come to once before, but I let my needs to be wanted and liked come before my self-respect. Well, that ends today.

See, online it is so easy to be different from who you are. It is also easy to befriend so many more people than you would in real life. Personally, I’m friends with or follow almost all of my real life friends, and I’ve also picked up a few strangers along the way. After a while, I (like many people) will clean out my friends/followers and weed out the people who annoy me or I don’t interact with. I don’t block people though. I save that function for anyone who might have a very negative impact on my life. In fact, throughout all of  my social networking accounts, I think I only have 1 person blocked.

Anywho, I’ve decided that if we know each other in real life – even before social media – and you have to hide the fact that we are friends, then I don’t think I want to continue this relationship. If you have to hide the fact that we talk, that we joke, that we watch the same TV shows from your other “friends”, then there’s nothing more to say.  I am not your other woman, I am your friend. And if you have to hide that from people, if you can only talk to me through one of your alter egos, then maybe you never were my friend. So, if you choose to have a “relationship” with someone you met online rather than my real friendship with no strings attached, then I don’t want YOUR friendship.

We’ve had this discussion about hiding our friendship before, and even though I didn’t agree with your reasons (excuses) I let it go. I should have had more respect for myself right from the beginning.

The choice is yours, but it looks like you already made it when the real you clicked on block.

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Bad Blood

Am I hurt? Yes.

Am I devastated? No. Not any longer.

Am I completely over everything? Almost.

Do I love you? No.

Do I hate you? No.

Am I bitter? You bet your white American ass I am.

When we talk (which is hardly ever anymore) you go on like nothing has changed and nothing is different. But our conversations now only last a few minutes at a time. We used to go on for hours and hours.

We’ve discussed our difference of opinions, at least I tried to discuss them with you. Foolishly, I believed that we could remain friends, obviously you don’t believe this to be true.

Time and distance has never been an issue for us, either. I still see you every day, and I know you see me, too.

I don’t know how you feel. You haven’t been that upfront with me. Maybe you just don’t feel anything. That’s fine if that is the case. But you should know, you left a hole in me, and it is closing.

Time is almost up.

Talking In Your Sleep

I so slept like poop last night. Complete poop. But I guess it was fitting to have a shitty sleep (or nonsleep) since my day was not any better.

The few precious moments of sleep I did get were filled with strange dreams. The craziness in these dreams were so out there that it is way too hard to even try to explain. I do remember that they were about Disney World though, which makes sense because that’s been one topic that has been on my mind a lot lately.

That happens to me often; I dream about whatever has been taking up most of my thoughts at that time. So I’m glad that I’ve been dreaming of Disney and not everything else that’s been on my mind as of late.

When I do dream about all my issues with my friends or my family, I get so nervous that I’m going to talk in my sleep. I get very anxious sometimes that I’ll wake up my husband while I’m talking during my dreams and he’ll know all my secrets. Though, most of the time when I dream I don’t remember them or only snippets of them. Not really enough that I could explain the dream to him even if I wanted to. So at least I have that out if I ever need it.

So yes, I do have some things that I do not share with my husband. Does that make me horrible? I don’t think horrible. I believe that everyone keeps some things to themselves. Everyone. I know he keeps things from me as well. I don’t think it would be healthy for relationships if every single thing was shared between two people.

But that’s just my opinion.

You Talk Too Much

Wow. I opened this page to start writing 5 hours ago and it just never happened. I don’t even remember what I was going to throw out there today.

It’s funny how I can get totally stumped about what to say on here but in life I don’t seem to have a problem. Twice in the past two days I’ve opened my mouth when I really shouldn’t have. Or really, I guess I should have, it’s just that I said something that other people didn’t want to hear.

I end up going over and over the conversation in my head (because I just can’t let things go). Much of the time I realize that if I had kept my mouth shut then probably nothing bad would’ve happened. I should start asking myself, “Is it life or death if this information is not said out loud?”  I bet that most of the time that answer would be no and I should stay quiet.  For someone who hates drama, I sure do create a lot of it! Not that I mean to, it just happens.

I’m just a drama magnet. It’s drawn to me and surrounds me like a swarm of bees. I guess the question is, how do I turn off this magnetism??

Low

Seriously WordPress, you give Doubt as a prompt today? That’s a loaded gun right there. My whole life is fucking doubt.

It seems I finally get one piece situated and then the sky falls somewhere else. Nothing is the end of the world really, just extremely frustrating. I am pretty angry right now, and the places that I used to go for comfort and to calm myself are no longer viable options. And I have a desk job with pretty much zero interruptions to distract me most of the time so I have about 7 more hours to sit and stew here.

I am trying not to be angry. I’m trying to just be indifferent and sometimes I am. But you know how things go, someone will say something or I’ll see something on TV and I’ll get pissed all over again. It happens. I’ve been through shit before and have gone through all the ranges of emotions and have lived.

What gets me most are all the unanswered questions and the uncertainty. I know I’m doing the right thing and have made the right decisions, it’s just the transition that I have to get through. Just like any life change it’s going to be hard, so of course I’m going to doubt myself. It’s only natural. So please bear with me while I go through this.

 

PS, I have always absolutely loved this song

Anything Could Happen

HA! Hideout is a pretty good prompt. I could go in so many directions with it today.

I could go very literal and talk about a friend to get that off my chest. Or I could speak figuratively and speak about me. OR, I could just be very mysterious and not let you know who I’m talking about.

I am in a weird spot right now. I’m happy where I am in life but still a little depressed because of just a few small  quirks. I feel like if I just tweaked a few small things life would be so much happier. Unfortunately they aren’t tweaks that I can make to myself, other people would have to be tweaked. And we all know we can’t change someone if they don’t want to be changed.

The funny thing is, there’s nothing serious I’d like to change. No one’s got a dangerous addiction I’d like them to quit (well, someone might have an addiction but it’s not life threatening). I’d just like to take people and violently shake them until they understand. It’s so frustrating when someone can’t see what’s in front of him. Hello, McFly???

I feel like I keep repeating myself: pay attention, have some respect, care a little bit.

I keep thinking that the best action would be to hide my real feelings from others. I’ve been going on thinking that that is what I’ve been doing all along when in fact I haven’t. I have spoken out and made my opinions and feelings known right from the beginning. They’ve just been ignored, which is why I’m truly frustrated.

I’ve learned that you can’t run and hide from situations just by ignoring them. You need to do something to actually stop the situation. You need to make an action. But when you have no control over a situation and have no choice but to sit and wait and not know?  Well, I don’t know. This is the part I hate.

I’m taking a few days off from work for a short trip. I’m hoping that this is what I need to reprogram my brain and stop wanting to change things. I know I need to accept things that I can’t change. I’m really trying to do just that.

via Daily Prompt: Hideout

Runnin’ Down A Dream

I am going to take this daily prompt quite literally this time. It’s quite good timing actually since I’ve been slowly and quietly preparing to train for a half marathon.

Running really hasn’t been my thing since high school. I had three surgeries on my left knee in my 20s and the last one was quite a doozie. I couldn’t put any weight on it for 3 months. I could only start very limited and low endurance exercise after 6 months and couldn’t get back to “normal” activity really for a year. I was 28 when I had this surgery and became very used to a lazy lifestyle during this year. I was so afraid of having to have another surgery that I just didn’t do any real exercise and gained about 20 or so pounds pretty quickly.

Until one day years later when my husband was in the ER with kidney stones.  He lost around 15 pounds in 2 weeks before having surgery for them. That kickstarted both of us to try to eat better and take better care of our bodies. He started running and doing 5Ks but I was still afraid of hurting my knee so I just hung out at the strength machines at the gym and taking walks in the neighborhood.

I decided to bite the bullet and take a chance. I started training for my first 5K about 2 years ago as my husband was training for his first half marathon. I was slow but I finished my first, then my second and third race. My husband fractured his heel during the half which sidelined him the rest of the summer.

I became lazy again over the winter, not wanting to run outside in the snow and cold and getting bored on the treadmill.

Fast forward to last spring. I started running outside again. Joy! Until one day I started feeling pain in my right knee. GASP!

Doctor ordered x-rays and MRI which both showed nothing. I went to physical therapy to help loosen up my IT band, my hip and strengthen my knee. Even after the completion of all this I still had the pain. I tried Cortisone shot in my knee and the pain is still there when I run.

My husband keeps telling me to give up trying to run, stick with practicing yoga or something that is easier on my knees.

I started doing the free yoga classes in the park during the summer months and then started following some YouTube channels and I practice yoga for about a half hour every morning in my family room. I really do enjoy it but it isn’t helping take any weight off and I don’t get that high like I do after a run.

So anyway, a few months ago I started getting the itch to really run again. I had started on the treadmill and I’d run about a mile before my knee started hurting. I really don’t push too hard. I’ll run until I start hurting then walk. I “ran” an 8K on Thanksgiving and was in a lot of pain for two days. Again I got the “stick to yoga” talk.

I don’t want to just stick to yoga. We joined our local YMCA a couple of weeks ago so we could use the gym and the kids could go and train during their sports off-seasons. I’ve been utilizing the elliptical mostly because it’s a little easier on my knees. They do have a couple of yoga classes, but it is a slow, meditative practice rather than the power yoga classes that got me hooked over the summer.

So anyway, to close out this little story about nothing, I’m secretly training for a half-marathon. I just haven’t told anyone (husband) because he doesn’t know how to be a positive supporter and I don’t need any negative thoughts because it’s too easy for me to get discouraged.