Low

Seriously WordPress, you give Doubt as a prompt today? That’s a loaded gun right there. My whole life is fucking doubt.

It seems I finally get one piece situated and then the sky falls somewhere else. Nothing is the end of the world really, just extremely frustrating. I am pretty angry right now, and the places that I used to go for comfort and to calm myself are no longer viable options. And I have a desk job with pretty much zero interruptions to distract me most of the time so I have about 7 more hours to sit and stew here.

I am trying not to be angry. I’m trying to just be indifferent and sometimes I am. But you know how things go, someone will say something or I’ll see something on TV and I’ll get pissed all over again. It happens. I’ve been through shit before and have gone through all the ranges of emotions and have lived.

What gets me most are all the unanswered questions and the uncertainty. I know I’m doing the right thing and have made the right decisions, it’s just the transition that I have to get through. Just like any life change it’s going to be hard, so of course I’m going to doubt myself. It’s only natural. So please bear with me while I go through this.

 

PS, I have always absolutely loved this song

Anything Could Happen

HA! Hideout is a pretty good prompt. I could go in so many directions with it today.

I could go very literal and talk about a friend to get that off my chest. Or I could speak figuratively and speak about me. OR, I could just be very mysterious and not let you know who I’m talking about.

I am in a weird spot right now. I’m happy where I am in life but still a little depressed because of just a few small  quirks. I feel like if I just tweaked a few small things life would be so much happier. Unfortunately they aren’t tweaks that I can make to myself, other people would have to be tweaked. And we all know we can’t change someone if they don’t want to be changed.

The funny thing is, there’s nothing serious I’d like to change. No one’s got a dangerous addiction I’d like them to quit (well, someone might have an addiction but it’s not life threatening). I’d just like to take people and violently shake them until they understand. It’s so frustrating when someone can’t see what’s in front of him. Hello, McFly???

I feel like I keep repeating myself: pay attention, have some respect, care a little bit.

I keep thinking that the best action would be to hide my real feelings from others. I’ve been going on thinking that that is what I’ve been doing all along when in fact I haven’t. I have spoken out and made my opinions and feelings known right from the beginning. They’ve just been ignored, which is why I’m truly frustrated.

I’ve learned that you can’t run and hide from situations just by ignoring them. You need to do something to actually stop the situation. You need to make an action. But when you have no control over a situation and have no choice but to sit and wait and not know?  Well, I don’t know. This is the part I hate.

I’m taking a few days off from work for a short trip. I’m hoping that this is what I need to reprogram my brain and stop wanting to change things. I know I need to accept things that I can’t change. I’m really trying to do just that.

via Daily Prompt: Hideout

Unsaid

Unfinished.

Unfinished conversations.

Unfinished feelings.

Unfinished relationships.

Unfinished thoughts.

So many thoughts that are left unsaid. So many words that need to be told.

I am told that I’m becoming more and more antisocial and I probably am. It seems the more people let me down, the more I withdraw.

Is it worth it?  Depends on the day, I guess.

Forgiveness

I’ve been getting a lot of shit lately. Been hearing that I’m too generous, too soft, too…I don’t even remember what else, I forgive too easily maybe?

Maybe.

I do forgive easily sometimes. I don’t easily forget though. I hold on to things. I hold grudges. But I forgive. I give second chances. Everyone deserves a second chance. I was once given a second chance, and I remember that every day.

I don’t think it’s wrong to accept an apology and move on. People make mistakes everyday. Sometimes you just have a moment of weakness. That one moment can even escalate and snowball into something much bigger than ever expected. It happens. It sucks and other people might get hurt in the crossfire. But, if you take responsibility for your actions, accept the consequences, and genuinely feel remorse then I think you deserve the benefit of the doubt that this will be the last time you make this mistake.

I know, some people aren’t as easily swayed as I am. And just because I forgive someone, doesn’t mean I don’t get angry at them or sad or embarrassed. I still go through all those negative emotions and it does take me some time to over come them.

It’s not always fair to judge a person by one mistake. I know how it feels to be on that side of the situation. Everyone could use a break now and then, especially when you feel like you’re all alone in the world. Like there’s no one on your side.

Making someone else feel like they’re the worst person in the world isn’t going to make anything better. It just prolongs the hurt.

 

Matthew West – Forgiveness (Official Lyric Video) from matthew-west .

Stronger

What is it with the Daily Prompts this week? I feel  like someone is watching me and tailoring these prompts to fit my life. Today you give me fragile?  Really?? Good lord, I could write a whole book on that right now!

I’ve always been a fragile girl. Always emotional. My feelings get hurt super easy and I cry at the drop of a hat, let alone spilled milk! But as I grew older and little (not much) more mature, I learned how to not show my feelings so much. I learned (learning) to not take everything personally. I wouldn’t say that I became stronger, I just learned how to pretend to be strong.

The past few months or so you might say I’ve had reason enough to have a breakdown. So many things happening, so many changes, so many times when I’ve wanted to just rip my hair out and hide under my sheets all day. Actually, I may have done that last one once or twice last winter. But I got out of bed the next day and kept going.

And here I am today. Whether you like it or not, I am here and I am still going. My ego, my feelings are a little bruised and battered but I still stand tall.

I want to forget a lot of what has happened most recently. Emotionally I have to. As much as I want to, and I know I will, it’s taking a little while. Slowly but surely, life is once again feeling somewhat normal.

For now, I stand up and keep going pretending to be stronger than I am.

 

Cryin’

I told you I’m not good at making up my mind. And I also promised I wasn’t going to cry – or I would try not to at least. For the most part, I have done what I said. I consciously did not let myself cry over anything. But my subconscious didn’t hold up. I woke up in the middle of the night crying. I guess it is all but inevitable when life has you so perplexed.

I woke up from a dream, I know that much, but I only remember bits and pieces. I remember enough to know exactly what was going on but not with enough details to be able to explain it.  Honestly, I’d rather not remember them. I probably only had a few short dreams but last night it felt like I dreamt a lifetime. But I really don’t want to talk about those dreams. I’m tired of being depressed and bumming people out.

Maybe I just woke up like that because I needed to relieve some stress that has been building up recently. Maybe it had nothing to do with my dreams or anything that has been rattling inside my brain. Maybe I just really wanted to listen to Aerosmith today.

Whatever the reason is though, I wore my glasses to work today. Just in case.

Anyway, tomorrow is a new day. Heck, it’s still early enough in the day to start today again. So I think I’ll put on the Aerosmith station on Spotify and rock out a little at my desk.

I Miss My Friend

I woke up this morning in a much better mood than yesterday. Thank goodness.

I must have been thinking of all this in my sleep because I woke up with this thought: Why does anything need to change? I’m not that pissed off where we can’t just keep on as it was.

And that was that, I made up my mind.

But I am a huge asshat, and I tend to over think things. During my yoga practice this morning, though, it hit me like a brick. I said, “Whoa, hold up Lucy Lu*. Do you see anyone else wanting to keep things as they were?” The answer, unfortunately, is no. I don’t see or hear anything from anyone.  My answer can’t get any clearer than that.

And it’s fine. I said all along I wasn’t looking for any type of relationship. I’m still not. Not like what they have, or want.  But I do feel a void in my life now. Something is missing. I’ll fill it; I know I will eventually.

Keeping what we had is probably too radical an idea anyway. I think it would have been too morally confusing now. I don’t know if anyone could look at the situation in black and white, there’s so much gray area to consider.

So here I am, making up my mind, again. Perhaps because I realize I have no options, I won’t over think anything and keep this decision.

But I still miss my friend.

*The name has been changed to protect the innocent

 

 

 

Take A Bow

If I thought my emotions were on a roller coaster ride before, it sure didn’t prepare me for what I went through the past 4 days or so.

I was completely numb at first. Or maybe I was in denial. I just pushed anything I was feeling away; swept it under the bed so I didn’t have to deal with it.

I had the rug pulled out from under me, the wool pulled over my eyes, completely hoodwinked and any other way you want to put it.

I have felt totally pissed, embarrassed, like a complete idiot, heartbroken, and then I stopped caring. But I never cried.  I knew I’d never see or hear from this person again so I decided to put it behind me.

Then Saturday I got the shock of my life. Turns out I wasn’t the only person fooled, this I knew, but I found out the circumstances surrounding this masquerade. Everything hit me in the gut all over again. I’ve been trying to put it all out of my mind, I’m trying hard, but I just can’t. This was part of my daily life for the better part of a year. There was a certain zing to my life.

I guess maybe I’m lucky, the only thing I lost in all this was a friend. But a friend who I talked to everyday. Or did I? I guess it wasn’t real so can I even say I lost anything? And now I have no one to talk to about this. I am totally on my own with this one. I don’t know if that’s good or bad. If I can’t talk to anyone then I don’t have to admit that this was anything more to me.

I almost cried last night thinking about that. Almost,  but I was able to hold it back. I’m doing my best to keep it that way.

I hope this is the last I write about this but there are so many thoughts and questions going through my head. I can’t make any promises, sorry.

Better Than Revenge

I wouldn’t exactly describe myself as overly aggressive. I am not a fanatic, about anything really. But I can be fierce if needed.

For instance if someone messes with my family in any way, well, let’s just say that is a bad choice. I’m a very laid back person but I will take you down if I need to.

I’m also a pretty jealous person. I have no problem admitting this. In fact, I can’t deny it, I have a hard time not showing my emotions in my face.

But in recent years I have started to become better at learning to walk away. I’ve learned not to react right away. I can take a step back and before I fight for something I can breathe and weigh my options so-to-speak.  Is this something even worth fighting over? If I lose this battle, what else will I lose with it? What are the consequences if I win? Does someone else want this more than I do? How many people are involved and what are the consequences for them?

I no longer instantly react. I may react in my head and rave and bitch at other people who may be an obstacle in my way, but I play it calm and cool on the outside. Maybe I’m finally maturing. Or maybe I just feel too old to fight for some things. Or perhaps I am just not supposed to fight for certain things.

Either way, I pick and choose my battles now. If I have no right to something, I’ll walk away, no matter how bad it hurts.

Although, I will be aggressive and fight for what is mine every time.

Every. Single. Time.

Smells Like Teen Spirit

I don’t even know how I would describe this past weekend to anyone. It wasn’t bad, but at the same time it wasn’t good.

Maybe it was good, it just wasn’t great. It was a typical roller coaster ride of emotions.

I had a dull migraine all weekend, too. I am sure that played a part in my emotional well-being.

It started out on such a high. I had nothing big happening all weekend, but I was looking forward to it. Then so many little things just picked away at me. I small remark here, a little bit of attitude there. Unnecessary pokes at me that only reinforce my low self-esteem.  Like when people make jokes at your expense, thinking that they’re being funny. They really have no idea what’s going on inside my head, all while I laugh at their “joke”. I refuse to show people how they make me feel. I spent all weekend in hiding just to do that.

I’ve become an expert at hiding.

I hide my feelings. I hide my opinions. I will physically hide in another room to avoid conflict with someone.

So when friends stiff me and back out of plans we’ve had for months, I just say, “Hey, no big deal.”  I’m not going to tell her how pissed I was because this get together was all her idea. I’m not going to let her know how much time it took to clean, shop, and prepare food. I’m also not going to tell her that it was also somewhat relieving that she didn’t come because everyone is sick of her whining about the same thing day after day.

I’ll also not “start a fight” with my husband by mentioning that I was a tad disappointed when I suggested going out without the kids Saturday night for a bit and instead we took the kids out to dinner. By this point I do realize that we’ve been married so long because we have kids, but is it really that painful to spend some time just the two of us? Is it that hard to think of something to talk about?

Ugh. I just feel like I’m over and done with people in general lately. I don’t want to have to beg anyone for attention. If there’s no interest, there’s no interest. I don’t need messages, texts, emails, calls. I don’t need to be looked at or listened to. Would I like it?  Yes. Do I need it? No.

Oh well, whatever. Nevermind.