Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Wow, I just slept in my car like a homeless person. Granted it was only for an hour and a half nap, but still. It was a little awkward. 

I guess that’s what happens when you’ve just been beaten down and reach your limit. I was too far away from home to go back there and I really had no where else to go. 

That’s exactly my problem, I have no where to go and I have too much to do. 

I’ve totally exhausted myself. I need another nap. 

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I Don’t Want To Be

There are some clouds tonight but I could still see some stars. But only a few through  the bathroom window. I wish I didn’t see them tonight though. I wish I were still sleeping. 

I woke up again to find myself alone. It’s not even midnight tonight and he already gave up and went to the couch. I take it personally, maybe I shouldn’t, but I do. Because no one wants to be alone. And I always feel alone. 

I don’t want to always be the first one to say I love you. I don’t want to be the one to give the kiss goodnight, or the kiss goodbye, or any kiss at all. I don’t want to be the one to reach to try to hold a hand. I want to be on the receiving end once in a while. I want to looked at. I want to be wanted. I want to be…loved. 

I shouldn’t take it personally, but it is.  

Lucky Star

Why am I always into the sappy, heartbreak love songs? Same type of movies, too. I guess because I’ve always been a hopeless romantic and a dreamer. 

On the drive home from a hockey game last night I found myself breaking my neck to stare up at the stars. It was nice to actually see the stars. I’d love to just lay out in the yard and just stare into the sky all night. Nothing to think about, nothing to worry about. Just counting the endless amount of stars in the sky and daydream the time away. 

But alas, it’s too cold out for me to do that now. Not to mention there are too many lights and noise where I live. I’ll just have to find something else to keep my mind busy. 

She Works Hard for the Money

I think I need to step up my job hunting game. This fact really sucks because I actually do love where I work. I just hate that I’m stuck.

I don’t hate my job, I hate the atmosphere. I hate that no matter what I do, I’m only looked at as “the girl in the office.” I mean, I worked full time, raised 4 kids and put myself through school. I’m not saying I’m superwoman, I’m saying that I have more skills and talents than spreadsheets and mail merges. But it’s not just that, no one in my office trusts each other. Everyone is out for themselves. There’s no teamwork. There’s belittling. No one listens. It’s just a hateful environment.  And I am grossly underpaid.

I think I procrastinate looking for jobs though because I honestly do love where I work. I love the cause; it is very dear to my heart. Not to mention I’ve been here for 9 1/2 years and all my friends are here. And honestly I think if I was paid a little better then I wouldn’t be looking for a job at all. Sometimes I even think maybe I should just do a little prostitution on the side to make up for what I should be making, then I could stay and put up with all the crap.  JUST KIDDING! I’d never be successful at that. I’d always feel sorry for people and want to give them a break. Ha, I’m just kidding again. Just part of my sense of humor that I rely on to get me through the day.

Speaking of getting through the day, I should really stop writing and start mine.

Ice Cream

You don’t really know how much you miss something until you experience it for the first time in years. It is easy to fall into a routine; do the same things, go to the same places, eat the same foods. It is what it is, and you’re OK with that. But then you have something that you haven’t had in such a long time, and it’s good. It’s really good.

Take a hot fudge sundae. You’ve been so good for so many years eating plain old frozen yogurt because it’s a little healthier and that’s what you should have. One day when you’re out with a friend the temptation is there. You can’t help yourself and you order the sundae. You know you shouldn’t but you just feel like you need it. Then that’s it. It’s there on the table in front of you and you dig in like your life depended on it.

The whole time you’re eating it you can’t stop thinking about how great it tastes. It’s more than just ice cream. It’s everything. It’s the different tastes and the way it feels in your mouth. It is so good it gives you goosebumps. Then you realize just how much you missed eating sundaes.

When it’s all said and done and the dish is empty you may feel a bit guilty, but you rationalize that it was just that one sundae. You have frozen yogurt in your freezer at home and it’s just as good. But the next night you’re eating that frozen yogurt and all you can think of is that damn sundae. That huge scoop of creamy chocolate ice cream, the hot gooey fudge and that large mound of melt-in-your-mouth whipped cream.

You were just fine with your frozen yogurt until you tasted something else. Now you miss it. You miss how comforting it made you feel. That sundae is all you can think about.

It’s just like that song that gets stuck in your head for days.

Living La Vida Loca (not)

Life has become very monotonous. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, it just gets…boring.

Boring isn’t bad, it’s just not exciting. I need something exciting. Something fun. Something out of the ordinary.

I need a rush, something to get my blood pumping.

It’s always the same places, the same activities, the same conversations and the same people.

I’d just like something different every once in a while. Just to spice things up a little. To keep things new.

Something new would be nice.

Taken For Granted

I had so many topics to write about that I thought about this morning while showering. I finally get to sit in front of my computer to let it all out and I’m having trouble remembering the bulk of it.

I do remember thinking about how frustrated I was last night. It sucks sometimes being taken for granted all the time. ALL. THE. TIME.

At work; I think because the word “assistant” is in my title. I feel like my work load keeps becoming “dumber and dumber”.  It started out with being called in to fix any and now all computer issues. Then printer issues. Then “LeeAnn, will you print a mailing label for me, I don’t know how to do labels in my printer?” I finally drew the line at making coffee. Only because when we finally got the coffee maker delivered to our new office, the first words out of a co-worker’s mouth was, “LeeAnn, here’s the coffee, you can start making it now.”  Now, I would have no problem making the coffee since I am the first person in the office every day. But do not expect me to make it because of my title. If that’s the case, I’ll not do it just out of spite.

Same thing happens everywhere else.

I’m not a punching bag. I do not take my bad mood or any aggression out on you. Please do not take yours out on me. I will understand if you are sick or tired or just generally crabby, but I will not understand if you point those feelings directly toward me. Feeling under the weather or having everything go wrong during your day does not give you the right to be mean, overly sarcastic, and just throwing random insults toward me or anyone else.

Speaking of insults, it gets a little old hearing about all your flaws without ever hearing any compliments or anything positive. It makes a person wonder, you  know? I can take an insult once in a while, but at least even it out with something you do like about me once in a while. I’ve become such an insecure person; I hate it. I

I’m the type of person who just sits and thinks about the things that are said to me. I wonder if words that are said are true or not. I wonder how I can change or if I should change. Then after wondering for a while I start to get angry. Why should I change? People should just love me for me, and if that’s not possible then, I don’t know, I guess move on.

Well this is not what I intended to write about when I sat down here. Apparently it was something I needed to get off my chest though. Maybe next time I won’t be so negative and whiny.