When You Close Your Eyes

Last night I had a dream. It wasn’t a good dream, it wasn’t a nightmare. It was just a dream.

I dreamt that years ago I had an affair. It happened way in the past and we had moved on. The dream was occurring in the present day. I must have worked somewhere downtown and had to walk a few blocks to the parking lot where my car was. On the way to my car I ran into the man who I had the affair with and we walked together. My daughter (she is in her 20s) saw us walking together and ran up to me to question me. I assured her we had just been walking in the same direction and had only just run into each other.

After she left, he did mention that he had to walk home as he didn’t have a car because it was at the garage for repairs. As it was the middle of winter and freezing and snowy I agreed to give him a lift home, this one time only.

When my daughter left on her way to work, she must have called my husband because by the time I got to my car he was sitting in it waiting for me.  He was understandably upset with me and I kept calm just repeating that we were just walking to the car together as we had just ran into each other.  I told him how I offered to drive him home because the weather was so crappy and that it was a one time only deal. I asked my husband to come with while I dropped him off just so he knew for sure that there was nothing going on except for a lift.

And then I woke up.

I woke up feeling depressed and guilty.

I have no idea where this came from or why I would dream something like this. But I guess most people don’t know why they dream what they do.

I have been feeling bad this past week. Just feeling low and helpless and alone. And to wake up this way this morning did nothing to help change things around. Today is a Friday. It’s the last day before vacation. I should be excited and hyper and happy and none of those things apply right now.

Sigh.

Nothing is the end of the world. I will continue to plug away at work for another 5 1/2 hours and hopefully vacation mode will finally hit me.

Adios amigos!

Not Over You

Songs have a strong power over me. They bring me back to certain place, a certain time.

So many songs bring me back people, usually because of listening to it together or an event we were at or whatever reason. But some songs just make me think of someone in particular because of the actual words in the song. I just don’t remember though, I FEEL it.

When Gavin DeGraw’s Not Over You first came out, I hadn’t seen you in years. But I instantly thought of you. I felt this song was specific to a once upon a time that we shared so many years earlier. And every time I heard this song I felt it. And I wondered if you felt it too, not specifically when you heard this (or any other) song, but at all.

After briefly beginning a new relationship with you, I have realized that what we had before was not what I thought it was. And I say briefly because this time was even shorter than the last, and it was completely different.

The fact is, this song does not make me feel the same as it once did. The lyrics do bring me back to a time when I felt a certain way; brings back some memories. But I have no emotional attachment any longer.

Actually, I feel…

free.

I think I’ll find someone else to listen to on Spotify today.

Save Myself

Why are holidays so dang stressful? There’s really no need for it. And so many times, it is all undue stress that is caused by other people who are stressing over nothing.

I understand how people become more depressed during the holidays. The reasons vary from person to person.

For me, it’s basically because I miss my mom. My side of the family is super small. Basically just my brother and I. His wife comes from a large family as does my husband. So when it comes to planning parties and holidays, my sister-in-law’s family takes priority for them. While my husband’s family seems to take priority for us.

For Christmas, though, the only day my family is really occupied is Christmas Eve. That’s when my husband’s family does our get together with the grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and now the next round of cousins.

My brother’s family does their large get together on Christmas day. But every year it is always so hard to find a date for us to all get together. It doesn’t matter how early I try to pin down a date with them, they always say they have to wait to see when they will get together with her dad’s family or their friends or whatnot.

My theory is that this has a lot to do with why I miss my mom so much more at this time of year. Sometimes I want to feel like someone puts me first. I want to feel like I’m important to someone. I haven’t felt like that since my mom died. For the past 14 years I’ve pretty much just been existing in other people’s lives.

I know, poor me. It could be a lot worse, I know. But right now, this is my worst.

Sunshine, Lollipops, and Rainbows

Ah, salaam and good evening to you, worthy friend.

There’s something so satisfying about cleaning out unnecessary items, isn’t there?

I always hang on to things, “just in case” and it’s really just a waste of time and space. Just in case usually never happens, because I am just realizing this, I am going through The Purge.

I’ve actually started this process a few months ago by purging unnecessary accounts on social media. There were a lot of people who I followed who were super negative and just brought me down. Or they were just into topics and interests that I don’t really care about at this age. The kind of life they live is not the kind of life I want to live so I had to break ties. It has been a positive change.

I am continuing to purge those people from my life. Some of these people didn’t do anything or say anything wrong specifically, I am just at a different place in my life than I was. And as I do this I am moving forward. I’ve met a lot of people at boot camp who are nothing but positive energy. They are all encouraging and helpful. I don’t even know all their names yet, but they’re always there with a high-five or an encouraging smile. I even smile while I’m there dripping buckets of sweat.

I’ve complained a lot about my life in the past, but I made changes. A lot of changes. And life is much sweeter now. Sure, there will be hiccups now and again, and life won’t always be sunshine and lollipops.

Bad Blood

Am I hurt? Yes.

Am I devastated? No. Not any longer.

Am I completely over everything? Almost.

Do I love you? No.

Do I hate you? No.

Am I bitter? You bet your white American ass I am.

When we talk (which is hardly ever anymore) you go on like nothing has changed and nothing is different. But our conversations now only last a few minutes at a time. We used to go on for hours and hours.

We’ve discussed our difference of opinions, at least I tried to discuss them with you. Foolishly, I believed that we could remain friends, obviously you don’t believe this to be true.

Time and distance has never been an issue for us, either. I still see you every day, and I know you see me, too.

I don’t know how you feel. You haven’t been that upfront with me. Maybe you just don’t feel anything. That’s fine if that is the case. But you should know, you left a hole in me, and it is closing.

Time is almost up.

I Want Your Hands On Me

I’m running off of a minimal amount of sleep right now. Darling husband has been sick and his coughing and restlessness has been waking me up at night. Last night he was called in to work and though I should’ve been able to sleep like a log since I had the whole bed to myself, I couldn’t sleep because he wasn’t there.

I was worried about the possibility that he’d have to work all night and his regular shift in the morning. He would’ve been up for more than 30 hours at that point and I was worried about him driving home.

Luckily he didn’t have to work all night and did come home to get a few hours of sleep. So that helped me get a couple of hours of sleep.

That doesn’t mean I’m not exhausted AF right now. Because I totally am! I can manage going through the day this tired, but like most people, it totally messes with my mind. My reaction time isn’t there. I tend to be a lot quieter than normal. I also daydream a lot more because I can’t concentrate on anything.

I love to read. A lot. Books, magazines, online articles, blogs. If it has a story, I’ll read it. I usually get to work a little early so I take that time to read the blogs here on WordPress. A few of them are like mine, just dumping everything that’s going on in our heads. Some of them are fictional stories. A few of them I can’t wait for the next entry to be posted. Some of them are so fucking hot that on a day like today they get me daydreaming so I’m almost too uncomfortable to be at work.

But I love these daydreams. I love hiding away in them, getting lost in them, imagining what could be if I’d just let it. If I had the person in my daydreams in front of me. A confident, strapping young man with a mouth and hands longing for me, eager for my touch. Just as eager as I am for his.

PS. I have loved this song ever since I heard it in A Nightmare on Elm Street 4. I had no idea it was Sinead O’Connor.

 

Talking In Your Sleep

I so slept like poop last night. Complete poop. But I guess it was fitting to have a shitty sleep (or nonsleep) since my day was not any better.

The few precious moments of sleep I did get were filled with strange dreams. The craziness in these dreams were so out there that it is way too hard to even try to explain. I do remember that they were about Disney World though, which makes sense because that’s been one topic that has been on my mind a lot lately.

That happens to me often; I dream about whatever has been taking up most of my thoughts at that time. So I’m glad that I’ve been dreaming of Disney and not everything else that’s been on my mind as of late.

When I do dream about all my issues with my friends or my family, I get so nervous that I’m going to talk in my sleep. I get very anxious sometimes that I’ll wake up my husband while I’m talking during my dreams and he’ll know all my secrets. Though, most of the time when I dream I don’t remember them or only snippets of them. Not really enough that I could explain the dream to him even if I wanted to. So at least I have that out if I ever need it.

So yes, I do have some things that I do not share with my husband. Does that make me horrible? I don’t think horrible. I believe that everyone keeps some things to themselves. Everyone. I know he keeps things from me as well. I don’t think it would be healthy for relationships if every single thing was shared between two people.

But that’s just my opinion.

Think Too Much

So yesterday I write about talking too much and how I should really just learn to not say everything that I’m feeling. It seems that I forgot everything that I told myself because right before bed what do you think I did? Yup, goofing around with my husband I playfully opened my mouth about something and of course it changed the whole dynamic of the easy-going night we were having. We very quickly went from very playful to his “if you’re not happy, there’s the door” speech.

Sigh.

That line gets old. And my usual reply is just as old.

So I just lied in bed trying to read but really just ruminating the whole thing until I fell asleep, which, thankfully wasn’t too long.

This morning the discussion (or lack thereof) from last night was all but forgotten, but here I am still rolling it over in my head. I guess I don’t always let go of things easily.

Oh well.

You Talk Too Much

Wow. I opened this page to start writing 5 hours ago and it just never happened. I don’t even remember what I was going to throw out there today.

It’s funny how I can get totally stumped about what to say on here but in life I don’t seem to have a problem. Twice in the past two days I’ve opened my mouth when I really shouldn’t have. Or really, I guess I should have, it’s just that I said something that other people didn’t want to hear.

I end up going over and over the conversation in my head (because I just can’t let things go). Much of the time I realize that if I had kept my mouth shut then probably nothing bad would’ve happened. I should start asking myself, “Is it life or death if this information is not said out loud?”  I bet that most of the time that answer would be no and I should stay quiet.  For someone who hates drama, I sure do create a lot of it! Not that I mean to, it just happens.

I’m just a drama magnet. It’s drawn to me and surrounds me like a swarm of bees. I guess the question is, how do I turn off this magnetism??

Low

Seriously WordPress, you give Doubt as a prompt today? That’s a loaded gun right there. My whole life is fucking doubt.

It seems I finally get one piece situated and then the sky falls somewhere else. Nothing is the end of the world really, just extremely frustrating. I am pretty angry right now, and the places that I used to go for comfort and to calm myself are no longer viable options. And I have a desk job with pretty much zero interruptions to distract me most of the time so I have about 7 more hours to sit and stew here.

I am trying not to be angry. I’m trying to just be indifferent and sometimes I am. But you know how things go, someone will say something or I’ll see something on TV and I’ll get pissed all over again. It happens. I’ve been through shit before and have gone through all the ranges of emotions and have lived.

What gets me most are all the unanswered questions and the uncertainty. I know I’m doing the right thing and have made the right decisions, it’s just the transition that I have to get through. Just like any life change it’s going to be hard, so of course I’m going to doubt myself. It’s only natural. So please bear with me while I go through this.

 

PS, I have always absolutely loved this song