Well, I failed my own test yesterday. And by writing about it today, I’m also already failing today, too. But you know what? I’m OK with that.
Maybe it’s because I finally slept well last night. Took a nice, long, hot bath with a glass of wine and went right to sleep afterward. Maybe that’s the key. I’ll just try doing that every night. Or maybe it’s because I am realizing that I am human and humans can’t just flip a switch and turn off feelings and emotions and curiosity and … anything.
Perhaps it’s because I made myself wake up early to practice yoga this morning. I’ve had no energy or motivation lately and I’ve been skipping it every morning. I’m glad I did it today. It really did give me a boost today. Just as my bath helped calm me last night, yoga helped get my heart to quicken
and got me moving and grooving this morning.
After a long talk with a friend yesterday I decided not to focus on the why’s or lies being told or the what if’s. I’m just taking things day by day, minute by minute. I’m going to have fun in the process.
I think I’ll have a dance party of 1 at work today.
Vacations are not only fun and relaxing but good for the soul. Vacations can heal even the most bruised and banged up feelings.
This time away with my family was truly what I needed and the timing was perfect. This was exactly what I needed to reset and center myself.
The first hour or so on the 6 hour drive home the weather was awful. The rain came down so hard I thought it could break the windshield. Then it stopped raining and I could see beautiful clear skies down the highway.
I thought it was a perfect example of my life recently. I think I’m finally out of the storm and the skies are clear from now on.
Unfortunately once the sun went down I had too many hours inside my head with my thoughts. Things that I happily didn’t think about at all on my trip. Things that I was hoping to forget about and learn to stop thinking about while I was away. Things that I hope to not let into my head once I get back to work, when I usually think about everything.
Today will be a test for sure, but hopefully I’ll pass with flying colors. Eventually I won’t even bother asking, “Why me?”
HA! Hideout is a pretty good prompt. I could go in so many directions with it today.
I could go very literal and talk about a friend to get that off my chest. Or I could speak figuratively and speak about me. OR, I could just be very mysterious and not let you know who I’m talking about.
I am in a weird spot right now. I’m happy where I am in life but still a little depressed because of just a few small quirks. I feel like if I just tweaked a few small things life would be so much happier. Unfortunately they aren’t tweaks that I can make to myself, other people would have to be tweaked. And we all know we can’t change someone if they don’t want to be changed.
The funny thing is, there’s nothing serious I’d like to change. No one’s got a dangerous addiction I’d like them to quit (well, someone might have an addiction but it’s not life threatening). I’d just like to take people and violently shake them until they understand. It’s so frustrating when someone can’t see what’s in front of him. Hello, McFly???
I feel like I keep repeating myself: pay attention, have some respect, care a little bit.
I keep thinking that the best action would be to hide my real feelings from others. I’ve been going on thinking that that is what I’ve been doing all along when in fact I haven’t. I have spoken out and made my opinions and feelings known right from the beginning. They’ve just been ignored, which is why I’m truly frustrated.
I’ve learned that you can’t run and hide from situations just by ignoring them. You need to do something to actually stop the situation. You need to make an action. But when you have no control over a situation and have no choice but to sit and wait and not know? Well, I don’t know. This is the part I hate.
I’m taking a few days off from work for a short trip. I’m hoping that this is what I need to reprogram my brain and stop wanting to change things. I know I need to accept things that I can’t change. I’m really trying to do just that.
I mean, when I need something it should be available.
If I need something at work, my boss should be right there with the answer. If I need something at home, my husband should be right there. My kids should answer at first call.
Life isn’t simple, though. We all know that. It’s unfortunate but true.
But is it really unfortunate? Simplicity takes out any adventure. It limits experiences. It limits the mistakes that might be made but it also limits learning from those mistakes.
I’m a very simple person. I don’t like drama. I don’t like confrontation. I like peaceful. I like knowledge. I like knowing why something is or isn’t happening. I want to know the “why” behind something. So if you stop doing something you’ve done on a daily basis, I want to know why. I’m not being nosy. I’m trying to understand. Because I like to be simple and happy like my life void of chaos. Not knowing is chaotic to me.
It is interesting to me how you can explode over the littlest of disagreements. How you start throwing things because a manner in which you behaved towards someone was a little rude. I didn’t call you out in front of anyone. I waited until we were alone and mentioned calmly, the way I would hope you would do with me, that the situation could’ve been handled differently.
There was no need to yell and scream. No need to slam the door. No need to get upset at all really. You could have simply said that you didn’t agree with me and left it at that. It was not a life or death situation. It was nothing truly important.
But I guess this is the time of year that you always seem to wish I was gone, when you seem to regret not leaving me early on. The time when you will find anything and everything to get mad at me about.
I don’t know if you were waiting for me to cry so you had another reason to start yelling, but I didn’t. I simply lied in bed watching TV, waiting for you to make your move to the couch. It took a little longer than anticipated but you went, as predicted. And I finished watching A Time to Kill then went to sleep.
Your anger and fit throwing didn’t bother me last night as it has in the past. I made it clear that it didn’t impact me at all. I wonder, did that bother you at all?
I think I read too many books and watch too many movies. I give myself a false sense of reality; I want my dream world to be my reality. This only causes disappointment as I often want my relationships to mimic those in stories.
I want the man to look at me with longing. I want to know exactly what he’s thinking and feeling just by looking at his face. I want him to grab me and kiss me and not put me down.
But those are all just fairy tales I suppose. Stuff like that doesn’t happen in real life. It’s only a culture in fiction. So I won’t dwell on it.
Well, I’ll try not to dwell on it. I try not to dwell on anything, but my mind often goes where it shouldn’t. That’s just my culture. That’s my way of life.
He’s going out-of-town for the day tomorrow. Originally I was going with him. I was excited – I’d have the day to myself to explore and see whatever I wanted and we’d have all that night to ourselves. I was really looking forward to it. Then plans changed, he was told he only needed to go for the day and would be flying home that night, so I am no longer going. I told him I was disappointed that we didn’t have that time together when he asked if I was mad, he never acknowledged my response. That disappointed me even more than missing out on our time together.
I figured it would be better to go in to work than to sit at home and feel bad about a missed opportunity. But now I kind of wish I had still taken the day off. Just to be home and be lazy by myself for a few hours until kids come home from school. Yeah, I wish I had done that.
I feel like every day I have second thoughts. And third. And fourth.
Every day I wake up in a different frame of mind. Every night I go to bed with a completely different decision from what I woke up with.
I need to have some potentially difficult discussions, but I need the other person to be open to that discussion. I know I may not like the outcome but at least I would know where I stand. Where he stands. That is the worst part; not knowing how he feels. He says one thing, but his actions don’t always reflect that.
I know that it’s ridiculous to be jealous or upset over something that he has no control of. I know that. I think it’s more the fact that he doesn’t care why I’m upset about it. It’s just another example of how our feelings for each other are different.
There are days that I have totally made up my mind on how I’m going to be. I’m going to treat him exactly how I want him to treat me. Maybe after a little while he’ll start being that way, too. Then when the time comes I just don’t do it. For various reasons. Maybe I’m just not in the mood, or I am in the mood but he came home from work all crabby and now I’m in a bad mood. Maybe I’m just too afraid of the rejection. Maybe it’s all of it.
I hate having time alone right now. I spend too much time inside my head. More than once last week I couldn’t fall asleep because I was trying too hard not to let him know I was crying while we were lying in bed next to each other.
I should just let it go right now. We aren’t fighting or arguing with each other. He isn’t in one of his hateful moods where everything that happens is my fault or every decision I make is the wrong one. I’m just looking for a little romance. A little touch every now and again. A kiss just because. A look that says he loves me.
I should be happy with what I have, but I want more.
I found a blog last week that really captured my interest. The whole blog comes from a point of view that you don’t really get much insight on. I’m so interested in it because I’ve been in the very same situation and didn’t have anyone to talk it out with at the time it happened. I had to deal with it and heal all on my own. It was very painful and very slow. I admire this writer’s bravery for putting his story out there. Something that I haven’t been able to do, even now 13 years later.
I’m starting from the beginning with his story. So the events and emotions he’s sharing are about a year and a half to two years in the past. I’d like to make up to his present day posts before I comment on any of them, as I know how drastically feelings and circumstances can change in that time frame.
He talks so much about his wife and how much he loves her. How he’s trying so hard to make her happy. It’s been opening up a whole slew of hidden emotions for me. Emotions that I haven’t felt in many, many years and present emotions that I’ve been trying to sort through for a while now.
I keep thinking of how content we’ve been at home lately. Happy, even. But then I try for just a little something more and I hit a road block.
Why?
Is there no longer an attraction to me? I haven’t really tried flirting at all lately. He’s made it clear that he doesn’t want that. But I can’t just flick a switch and be turned on like he can. I need to lead up to it, or else I get nothing out of it (if you know what I mean). More often than not, lately I feel like we are housemates with benefits. I mean there’s so little physical contact between us besides sex. And it always feels so rushed because we’re usually trying to fit it in between running the kids places or right before we go to sleep.
He’s going out-of-town at the end of the month. Originally he was spending the night there and I was going to go with him. I was so looking forward to exploring a new city on my own during the day and having all that time to ourselves that night. Plans changed (and I kind of expected it) and now he’s only going up for the day. I’m not upset or angry about not going away on a trip, I’m disappointed because I’m losing that time with him. That time of just the two of us to do what we wanted, go where wanted.
He texted me at work a couple of hours after he told me and asked if I was mad. I explained I wasn’t mad, just disappointed that we didn’t have that time together. He never responded. It’s so hard to talk to him about feelings or about us because that’s what he does. He just doesn’t respond. I sent him a text on Monday, “I still can’t get rid of this headache, I think I need to have sex to get rid of it.” Nothing. Nada. Zip.
Maybe I’m just really generalizing but, wouldn’t most husbands jump on that?
I’d really love to have a sincere conversation with him about all this but he completely shuts down and clams up. Asks me why I’m trying to start a fight.
He’s tried leaving twice before. I talked him out of it each time. I don’t know. Maybe that was selfish of me. Maybe I was just too scared to be on my own with a million kids (OK, we don’t have a million, though sometimes it feels like it). I just know that if I had let him go that I’d be over him and in the process of healing by now.
I realize that I sound like a broke record lately. I’m sorry. Feel free to skip this post if you like.
I know I can’t have everything. I don’t think I want everything. What I want is to feel loved. I want to feel like I’m worth something; like I bring some value to the world. I need to be wanted, desired. I need to feel important.
My life isn’t bad. Everyone is healthy. There’s no abuse. We can pay our bills and keep a roof over our heads and have food to eat. Honestly, I really have nothing to complain about.
But yes, I want more from him. More than he is willing to give. I don’t want the type of marriage his parents have. I want what my parents had. Unfortunately he was never able to see what they had, so he doesn’t know where it is I’m coming from. He doesn’t understand my need. He probably never will.
Isn’t it weird how one day can be so good and the next you just want to crawl in a hole?
Not that yesterday was a great day by any means; so many things went wrong for me. I was exhausted. But I was still in a good mood, happy. Today, so far nothing really went wrong, but my whole outlook is the complete opposite from yesterday. Perhaps it’s because of everything that happened yesterday. Today I just feel like if someone looks at me wrong I’ll just break down and cry.
I don’t know what it is. I wish I did, it would be easier to move on from this mood. I wish I could pinpoint the cause. I wish I could flip a switch. I wish it was that easy.
Hopefully by the end of the day I can turn this around.
Turn That Radio Up 